I Should Be Sleeping

Something is off tonight. I’ve been tired all day and can’t claw up out of the daze. That type of tired that makes you angry. Angry at your exhaustion that has become a part of you. Angry that everyone, including you, just accepts it.

I woke up this morning from a dream about childbirth. Not about my birth experience with O, but about a birth that hasn’t happened yet. It was emotional and terrifying and beautiful. It shook me. I wanted to think about it and process it. But I was so tired. And my beautiful little toddler woke up next to me, probably from dreams of toy cars and strawberries, and asked me for a sip of water.

The day was a Normal Day. Those have been hiding from me lately. Our house has been a revolving door for visiting family members since O’s 1st Birthday in October. I literally can count less days of not having company than I can count when it’s just the three of us. So today was just us. O and I went on an outing, met with friends. We came home, played, went for a walk. Usual, typical things. It felt good.

But something is off. I feel heavy. Like there is something in the back of my mind I forgot to worry about. B and I actually managed to have really good sex tonight (with the help of some great wine) for the first time in a long time. I felt close to him and happy. But still. I feel that heaviness.

I’m not sure where this post is going or why I’m sharing such dreary thoughts after not writing in so long, but I guess, where else to put these thoughts? Plus, I miss writing and I have lofty goals to write more (ha, ha). So, what’s the point of this post? I guess, just saying hello and to all of you out there having an Off Day....know that you’re not alone.

Here’s to waking up tomorrow with dreams of toy cars and strawberries.