I am exactly one month away from when I (we) will begin trying to have a baby. “Trying to have a baby.” Such an odd phrase. Like it’s hard work, or pure luck, or happenstance, or a skill you have to earn. Or maybe all of those things.
But here I am. Sitting and waiting. I feel like the waiting is an active state. I’m actually savoring it. Enjoy teetering here. I am happy and ready. Actually feeling myself prepare and grow and become ready. But at the same time I like being here, sitting on the precipice, enjoying the view but not jumping off.
Although I’ve always known I wanted to descend into motherhood I don’t think it’s something to be taken lightly. It is a loss and a gain at the same time. But isn’t it a luxury to have the time and ease to even ponder these? Don’t some women just fall into this without a question or a thought? It just….happens. Either out of expectation, surprise or accident.
But here I am, purposefully, delicately waiting. Waiting for an arbitrary date to begin trying. In the mean time, I am enjoying being me. Being a woman. A young woman. Unattached. Unconnected. Without constraints on what happens to my body or what I do to my body. (For example, the glass of wine I am sipping).
It is a nice place to be, overlooking this view. I need to force myself to slow down these next 28 days and just…enjoy. Say my goodbyes and prepare to meet this new person I will be.