Saturday, June 15, 2013

Afraid to Wear a Dress

What happened to us in Mexico was traumatic. I am trying to move past it. I’m trying to not let it affect the way I see the rest of this pregnancy. And I am moving past it. I have humor now about some of the more inane parts. I have appreciation for the health that I have and the knowledge that I will probably come out of this just fine with a healthy, healthy baby.

But.

But I still feel stuck in a no-mans-land of fear. I realized that when I talked to my friend who is 37 weeks. I realized when I was struck by jealousy by the fact that she was at the other end of the pregnancy and ready to have her baby. I find myself hating being at 20 weeks where my baby is a real baby to me but not a baby who can live on his own. I find myself calculating how long until I get to random numbers that sound safer to me….24, 30, 36. I find myself wanting to fastforward. And that makes me sad. Because, damnit, I don’t want to rush this pregnancy. I want to enjoy it.

I think that in order to do that, I need to let go of the fear of it happening again. I know it could happen again. I was told it may happen again. But, honestly, it could happen to any of us. I can’t live with the fear of waiting for when it will happen again. And I can’t enjoy the pregnancy if every time I go to the bathroom I am terrified.

I realized the absurdity of it when I was getting dressed for work this week. I have bought all of these cute maternity dresses and trendy little blazers to dress them up for work and guess what? I’m too scared to wear them. Scared to wear a dress? Yes. Because what happens if I start to bleed when I am wearing one of those pretty dresses? Irrational? Yes. Depressing? Yes.

And so, I need to try to stop being afraid. Not sure how, but I think B. is right. I can’t keep it up like this. It’s not fair to my baby, it’s not fair to B., and it’s not fair to me. I am pregnant and I want to enjoy it. And I will risk wearing those dresses and I will enjoy that too.

Let me leave you with another normal-pregnancy-moment, since I said I wanted to post more of that (and less of my dramatic monologues). I haven’t posted about movement. I expected that the first time I felt the baby move it would be one of those Hollywood moments full of shock and amazement. But instead, it’s been a lot of flutters, bubbles and… “Was that baby or my dinner gurgling??” Lately it’s been more and more 100% baby. Little delicate kicks that are definitely kicks. Even B. has felt a few. Exciting? Yes. Hollywood moment? Not yet.

But then, today, laying in bed for a midday nap, he kicked me. Four times. He kicked me. And I don’t mean, I felt little kicks. I mean, he kicked me so hard I caught my breath. And it was amazing.

18 comments:

  1. Awww, I really feel for you! I don't blame you one bit for being scared. I would be, too. These weeks will fly by, I swear. I cannot believe how fast I went through weeks 20-30. We are here for you to listen to your fears and anything else. *hugs*

    The bigger/stronger movements are SO exciting! :-D I'm glad you are experiencing that. It's amazing and will help you bond with baby - as well as feel reassured that he is doing well.

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    1. Thanks for reminding me you're all here. I love feeling the movements I've felt so far. Can't wait to feel more and more regularly.

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  2. I don't blame you for being scared either! I think I would be reacting the same way. But I am so glad that you're able to feel more defined movements now! That is so reassuring and comforting, I'm sure!

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    1. It IS reassuring and very, very odd. Loving it :)

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  3. I think the Fear is normal... it is part of what makes pregnancy so scary, no one is immune. At the same time, you should continue rejoicing in the fact that your baby is there, and alive, and growing(like you have until now). Trust that it will be ok. Wear those dresses, take it one day at a time. It is also ok to feel afraid, feel what you need, then let it go, but don't dwell on the negative thoughts for too long, and when they happen try to replace them with loving ones towards your baby.

    Oh and you feel kicks :) This is so so exciting.

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    1. That's where I'm trying to get to. Most of the time I'm positive and rejoicing. I just have moments where fear creeps in. I think the frustrating part is I didn't have the fear at all before. I was lucky. Oh well, going to keep rubbing my Buddha belly.

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  4. You've been on my mind so often these past few weeks. Praying for peace and NO MORE SCARES!! And you are too adorable to not wear those dresses. :)

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    1. Thank you, thank you. I'm also hoping for NO MORE scares.

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  5. Awwww baby kicks... so happy for you! And wear your dresses, I bet they are adorable!! Maybe to ease your mind, wear a thin maxipad or pantyliner? But you are right: TRUST in your body and don't live in fear. It took me a while to believe in my pregnancy so I know what you are feeling, but you'll get there! Hugs :)

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    1. Ha...I already have been wearing a thin panty liner since it happened. Am I crazy?? Yes, I think so. But definitely in my plan for dress-wearing.

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  6. So funny about all the little targets each of us have... personally, I've never understood the whole viability target because if my baby was born at 24 weeks, it would be a nightmare of living in the NICU and worrying about all the shit that could go wrong and leave the kid with brain damage or whatever. Ugh. But even 20 weeks wasn't a big deal for me. I think, honestly, I won't be relieved until the baby is actually here and safe in my arms... but as you say, that doesn't help much in terms of enjoying the actual pregnancy! I commend your resolve to wear cute maternity dresses despite your recent scare, though. I'm also trying to embrace all the amazing kicks and cute ultrasound photos and growing bump despite waiting for test results that could come back with horrible news. Serenity Now!

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    1. I agree with you about 24 weeks. I've always thought it's a little bit sad how exciting people get about that date and call it "viability" when really it means a lot of pain and heartache. But, I get it now. I switched into counting the days mode. How sad.

      I will keep you in mind while waiting for your test results. Meanwhile, lets try to keep enjoying ourselves. (why is this so hard??)

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  7. Awww, honey! This is totally understandable. I really, really hope that this doesn't happen to you again. But on one hand, you already experienced this terrible, scary thing in like the worst possible circumstances, and you totally survived it and in fact kicked that experience's butt. So in some sense, you've been through the worst -- you can handle anything now! But hopefully you won't have to. :)

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    1. Thanks. I needed that. If it happens again it likely wouldn't be as bad. As long as it was just bleeding, it would be much easier this time with knowledge and good medical care. So you're right. I can do this.

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  8. I don't blame you for being scared. Your story has me scared! My entire pregnancy I have kept a pad in my purse or backpack....and I don't see it going anywhere until after the baby is born.

    On a happy note, that's awesome that you are feeling real kicks! I told my husband this weekend that I could start to feel flutters any day now and he was amazed that I could potentially feel something soon. I can't wait!

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    1. Ohhh I don't want my story to scare you! I'm definitely wearing panty liners and carrying around pads. Emergency kit. Crazy.

      I can't wait for you to feel the movements! It's so weird and bizarre and amazing :)

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  9. It's ok to be scared by what happened. And it's healthy to keep looking for the best parts of your pregnancy! I'm so glad you and Baby Boy are doing better. I bet you'll gain more confidence as you feel him moving more consistently.

    I know what you mean, though. I'm wishing this pregnancy away, too. I really want to enjoy it, but it's hard!

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  10. Yay for big kicks! After the anatomy scan (at 20w5d), it blew my mind to think how much like a 'real' baby this little girl was, yet she wouldn't be able to survive out in the world. I also remember thinking (early on) that 24 weeks was sooo far along, and while it still seems like a huge milestone (it's about a week away, for me), now I realize how many more weeks there are ahead of me (I hope!) before I get to meet my baby face to face.

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