Thursday, May 30, 2013

The Importance of Pronouns

Well, we had our anatomy scan today. I really wasn't nervous, even though I expected it might hit me while waiting in the waiting room. But I'm glad I didn't waste the energy getting nervous. Everything went fine. Baby is fine. Heart is fine, spine is fine, intestines are fine, etc, etc, etc. The only slight concern is that my placenta is anterior and "low-lying." The perinatologist said he is not worried at all about it and that it's really nowhere near my cervix, just "laying low." He said he expected it to move its way up over time. So, I'm trying not to worry about that. I know it could present multiple complications, including ending in a c-section. So I'll just hope it floats on upwards (and backwards? can it move posterior?).

But I am not "floating on cloud nine" as I was after our NT scan. And why ever not, you may ask? You have an extremely happy, healthy, baby and a healthy pregnancy. Well, when you put it that way, what I am about to say does sound really superficial and trivial and so I apologize ahead of time because by no means do I want to say that my problems compare at all to some of the news that parents are given at an anatomy scan. But here goes...here's my news that's gotten me a bit down:

Our "95% certain GIRL" has turned into a boy!

Yep. In the words of the doctor (who is "NEVER" wrong according to both him and my OB), "Your baby grew a Giant Penis!" Wow. That was the first thing he told us. The first thing he showed us in stark relief. Literally no denying his (HIS) maleness. And then we had the rest of the scan. I was trying to focus on just making sure the baby was ok, but my husband was vibrating with excitement next to me, gripping my shoulder in happiness and support (because he was imagining my reactions) and trying to blink back surprised tears.

So this is where we come to the triviality of my complaint. I have a HEALTHY baby. A baby who we watched danced around in 4D. (ha. I just smiled while thinking about it). But.....what happened to my GIRL? My girl I had named already and started to bond with and dream about and talk to and...well, the girl I had become attached to. I feel guilty even saying this, but I am sad. I've been walking around today in a bit of a fog trying to act like it's ok and it's "just a funny shock," but really and truly it is a big shock.

I took Monte to the vet today and they left me alone in an empty exam room with no magazines and a dead cell phone (a result of too many phone calls, texts, and FB posts about my new baby boy) and nothing but my thoughts. I tried to look calm and serene, but this is what was going through my head..."Okay, well, this is okay...boys are cool! Moms with boys are cool! Maybe mine will have curly, messy hair. Awww.... But, no dresses! No frilly cuteness! No daughter reading the same books I read when I was a girl. No little girl obsessing over horses with me. Wait a second, am I trying to create a mini-me? Am I too girly to raise a boy? How do you raise a boy? How do I deal with his penis?? I miss my little girl. What if I never have a little girl? I feel weird. I feel like I lost something...." And somehow, with these thoughts (x100) going on in my head I must not have looked so serene as I had hoped, because a passing vet tech asked me if I needed a glass of water. *sigh*

Bottom line is, I'm having a boy. And honestly, I would have been just fine with finding out this news right away (well maybe a tiiiiny bit disappointed), but it's just hard coming right now after I've had 6 weeks to begin thinking of this little baby fluttering around in me as a "she" and "her" and planning what "her life" will be like and imagining what "she" will look like. She had become real. I guess it's silly, right? This whole time it's been "him" fluttering in there and making me so sick. So...nothing has really changed. Just a few pronouns, right?

Anyhow, give me a few days and I will be fine. I can already tell that I will adjust just fine and get excited about little plaid shorts and rambunctious boy-life and all will be good. Just right now, I'm a bit sad. We leave for Mexico tomorrow for 11 days and so if I am behind on commenting on your blogs, I apologize, but we will be off on our Babymoon (what a cheesy term) and enjoying utter relaxation. And I will be playing a pronoun game and bonding with my little son.

p.s. My husband is over-the-moon with happiness. But I think he feels really guilty because he knows I'm feeling sad. He's treating me like I'm super fragile right now, but he can't help a grin from sliding back onto his face immediately if he doesn't pay attention. I know this is the very best part about having a boy. My husband will be the BEST father to a son that I can imagine. And yes, I know you all probably feel that way about your husbands...but I swear to god, mine would win in a contest.

28 comments:

  1. This is one of my irrational fears. I'm scared that we'll go into the anatomy scan and find out it's a girl instead of a boy. K would be devastated. I would be a little disappointed but I'm mainly worried about him. He's already got baseball games and fishing tournaments mapped out in his head. It would take him a while to get over it.

    Congrats on the healthy boy! I understand the disappointment though! Just focus on the fact that you have a beautiful, amazing, sweet little boy in there and you'll be an awesome mommy to him!

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    1. Well...I think it's less common for it to go the other way around. I.e., for a boy to UN-grow the penis ;) You're probably fine. I'm trying to wrap my head around the baseball and fishing stuff now... I am getting an image of a little boy with "his dog" running around in the woods. :)

      Thanks for the congrats!

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  3. Go to a nice high-end store, and look at the boy clothes. They will SLAY you with their cuteness. I'm really hoping for a boy now! It's hard to adjust when you thought one thing and it turns out to be another, it's ok to be sad!

    Had our NT scan today, baby went in a strop and hid its face/ gender bits so no clue what we're having, but it's healthy and apparently full of 'character' so we're pretty thrilled!

    Have an amazing holiday!! x

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    1. Yes, I agree that looking at little boy stuff will help. Especially the little clothes. I need to re-do my Pinterest board! I just need to re-build my thoughts about this and start dreaming differently.

      Congrats on your NT scan! And don't worry about not finding out the gender. My new feeling is, it's maybe better to wait until it's more certain ;)

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  4. I totally understand this.... we've talked so much of our future imaginary baby and both Mark and me if we could choose would have a little girl. But I am sure you will love him anyway, you need to adjust. (This is not to dismiss what you are feeling, it is a big deal specially after that first diagnosis).
    Anyhow, boys are cute, and I used to really want a boy a few years ago, I thought they were wilder, crazier, more mischievous. I think either way you will love your child like crazy but it is also normal to have fantasies and illusions on one or the other. (PS Lauren wrote / experienced something similar when she learnt it was a boy)

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    1. Thanks for understanding. I've been thinking a lot about it (couldn't sleep much last night) and may bore my readers with another post about this. Because I realized part of the shock is having to redefine the parent I was planning on being. By that I mean, a mom to a girl feels different than a mom to boy. I need to change my thought process. It's very odd.

      I'm glad to hear Lauren posted about it too (I love her posts). I went and did a cursory search to find the post, but didn't find it yet. I'll look again because I think it will be helpful to read someone else's experiences.

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    2. Now that I think about it, she might have talked about this on twitter, not sure if on the blog.

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    3. Either way, it's nice to know I'm not alone in my reaction.

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  5. I think once the shock of finding out that it's a boy wears off, you will be ecstatic! I always wanted a little boy, and here I am, ready to burst with baby girl #2!

    I also had a low-lying, anterior placenta, and it's nothing to stress about. Mine moved and I never had any bleeding, spotting or anything.

    I'm glad everything is going well!!

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    1. Good to know you never had any issues with your placenta. I'm going to try not to worry about it. The doctor seemed fine with it...so, that's that. Funny about you wanting a boy and having a 2nd girl. Isn't the world ironic?

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  6. Bless your heart. Part of the reason I'm insistent that when we do get pregnant, we find out the sex (my husband wants a delivery-room surprise) is because I'm afraid I will be disappointed if it's a boy. Exactly because of all the thoughts you mention. But it seems especially unfair/difficult to process to be told you're having a girl and then find out it's a boy. I'm sure you will love him to pieces and be so happy he turned out the way he did, but right now you have every right to feel sad about not having the girl you were imagining.

    XOXO

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    1. Yes, I think it is almost better to think out earlier (although apparently not as early as we found out!), because it gives you time to adjust and bond with the idea. Unless of course, you truly don't have any preferences. But, more and more, I'm finding that is really rare.

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  7. Oh my goodness!! Wow, well at least a "giant penis" is better than the "likely male" ambiguity we got on our anatomy scan... I think... of course you're feeling all these conflicting emotions. I would be too, if I had been told one thing, then told the complete opposite a few weeks later. Even without knowing anything about the gender, I too had picked my favourite girl name, had envisioned all the cute hairstyles we could create on her, all the cute dresses, etc. I'm not big on gender stereotypes like pink nurseries or whatever, but deep down I did have a preference. Just give yourself time to readjust -- you WILL get excited about having a boy, you just haven't yet realized all the advantages. Congrats on a great scan otherwise!! Don't worry about that placenta -- as long as it's not totally covering your cervix, you're a-OK.

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    1. When will you know what "likely male" means?? Are they just being cautious? That would drive me crazy!

      And yes, it's hard not to fall into the stereotypes and imagine the "girlness" and the bonding you can have with a little girl. But I am slowly coming around to my little boy :)

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  8. It's tough to switch gears like that. you'll adjust and start ot get excited about your little boy. I have actually been convinced since we found out it's girls from the Materniti21 test that by the anatomy scan I will find out something different. I even refused to tell people the genders at first. Now I am not worried about telling people if it changes. My husband, like yours, would be so excited if it turned out we had a boy in there (and honestly I was hoping for boy/girl twins and was slightly disappointed at first). My husband was caught off guard by how disappointed he was to not have a boy. We all have our secret, or not so secret, preferences but we love the kids we get no matter what.

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    1. Exactly. No matter how we try to say we don't have preferences, I think we all do, to some minor degree. But no matter what, I know we will be ecstatic and won't be able to picture it any other way when we meet him :)

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  9. Wow! What a surprise! It might take a bit of time to adjust, but you will get there.

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  10. Congratulations on your healthy boy!! My sister and her husband were positive that they were having a boy, and they had even taken to calling the baby by their chosen boy name. So when 20 weeks rolled around and they went to their anatomy scan, they walked out asking "Well NOW what do we call her??" They were a little disappointed at first, but they quickly got over it and Delia May has both her parents wrapped around her sweet little finger. =) My sister says that once you have him, you won't be able to picture things any other way.

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    1. Ha, funny I just said that ("can't picture it any other way") in an above reply to a comment. I can totally imagine that. Once he is here, he will be a part of us and my silly little preconceived ideas will go out the window.

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  11. OMG!! What a shock!!! Wow. I feel so bad that you've thought about your baby girl for 6 whole weeks! I know it will take some time to let this news sink in. But welcome to team blue! Everyone keeps telling me how fun and sweet boys are. He will be your little cuddler and helper :-)

    Oh, and my placenta was low-lying - but also covering part of my cervix. It has completely moved up and out of the way. There will be no problems with a natural delivery. It's actually pretty common for that to happen.

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    1. Yes, I think that knowing for six weeks is what made it hard. Next time, I will wait until farther along to find out, no matter what the doctor THINKS he knows!

      Thanks for letting me know about your placenta. It's good to hear how common it is (two responses on this post!) and so I'm trying not to worry about it at all :)

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  12. Oh wow, I totally wasn't expecting this!! I guess this is the reason why some people choose to not find out, which is what I plan to do. Or like you said above, wait until you are further along to know with more certainty.

    You will have a little soccer player, which will make your trips to Mexico even more fun! I'm glad to hear you are starting to process this big change (from reading your comments above)

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  13. awww that really is a difficult transition, to go from loving a babygirl in your tummy to learning it's really a boy. It's not that you're not happy he's healthy, it's just that... you pictured a GIRL. I was convinced I was having a boy, and when they said "girl" I was happy to be able to give the baby pronouns, but felt a little sad it wasn't the boy I pictured. It took a little while to get over the "gender disappointment", and now I"m totally in love with girl clothes, etc. Don't feel guilty or bad - it might take a little bit to "come to terms" but soon you'll be excited! :)

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  14. What a shock. Not quite the same situation but....I really wanted a girl. I've played it down to everyone: DP, my Mom, friends...well - you'd feel guilty not being grateful, wouldn't you? But I've had all the same thoughts. Am I too early girls to raise a boy? Will I ever have a girl? We were definite on a girl name and now I feel I've lost her. So I totally get it. In other news: nice holiday pics! Would love to go to Mexico someday.

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    1. Yes, totally. You don't want to feel guilty for your thoughts, but it's so hard to change up your hopes and preconceived plans.

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