Well, we had our anatomy scan today. I really wasn't nervous, even though I expected it might hit me while waiting in the waiting room. But I'm glad I didn't waste the energy getting nervous. Everything went fine. Baby is fine. Heart is fine, spine is fine, intestines are fine, etc, etc, etc. The only slight concern is that my placenta is anterior and "low-lying." The perinatologist said he is not worried at all about it and that it's really nowhere near my cervix, just "laying low." He said he expected it to move its way up over time. So, I'm trying not to worry about that. I know it could present multiple complications, including ending in a c-section. So I'll just hope it floats on upwards (and backwards? can it move posterior?).
But I am not "floating on cloud nine" as I was after our NT scan. And why ever not, you may ask? You have an extremely happy, healthy, baby and a healthy pregnancy. Well, when you put it that way, what I am about to say does sound really superficial and trivial and so I apologize ahead of time because by no means do I want to say that my problems compare at all to some of the news that parents are given at an anatomy scan. But here goes...here's my news that's gotten me a bit down:
Our "95% certain GIRL" has turned into a boy!
Yep. In the words of the doctor (who is "NEVER" wrong according to both him and my OB), "Your baby grew a Giant Penis!" Wow. That was the first thing he told us. The first thing he showed us in stark relief. Literally no denying his (HIS) maleness. And then we had the rest of the scan. I was trying to focus on just making sure the baby was ok, but my husband was vibrating with excitement next to me, gripping my shoulder in happiness and support (because he was imagining my reactions) and trying to blink back surprised tears.
So this is where we come to the triviality of my complaint. I have a HEALTHY baby. A baby who we watched danced around in 4D. (ha. I just smiled while thinking about it). But.....what happened to my GIRL? My girl I had named already and started to bond with and dream about and talk to and...well, the girl I had become attached to. I feel guilty even saying this, but I am sad. I've been walking around today in a bit of a fog trying to act like it's ok and it's "just a funny shock," but really and truly it is a big shock.
I took Monte to the vet today and they left me alone in an empty exam room with no magazines and a dead cell phone (a result of too many phone calls, texts, and FB posts about my new baby boy) and nothing but my thoughts. I tried to look calm and serene, but this is what was going through my head..."Okay, well, this is okay...boys are cool! Moms with boys are cool! Maybe mine will have curly, messy hair. Awww.... But, no dresses! No frilly cuteness! No daughter reading the same books I read when I was a girl. No little girl obsessing over horses with me. Wait a second, am I trying to create a mini-me? Am I too girly to raise a boy? How do you raise a boy? How do I deal with his penis?? I miss my little girl. What if I never have a little girl? I feel weird. I feel like I lost something...." And somehow, with these thoughts (x100) going on in my head I must not have looked so serene as I had hoped, because a passing vet tech asked me if I needed a glass of water. *sigh*
Bottom line is, I'm having a boy. And honestly, I would have been just fine with finding out this news right away (well maybe a tiiiiny bit disappointed), but it's just hard coming right now after I've had 6 weeks to begin thinking of this little baby fluttering around in me as a "she" and "her" and planning what "her life" will be like and imagining what "she" will look like. She had become real. I guess it's silly, right? This whole time it's been "him" fluttering in there and making me so sick. So...nothing has really changed. Just a few pronouns, right?
Anyhow, give me a few days and I will be fine. I can already tell that I will adjust just fine and get excited about little plaid shorts and rambunctious boy-life and all will be good. Just right now, I'm a bit sad. We leave for Mexico tomorrow for 11 days and so if I am behind on commenting on your blogs, I apologize, but we will be off on our Babymoon (what a cheesy term) and enjoying utter relaxation. And I will be playing a pronoun game and bonding with my little son.
p.s. My husband is over-the-moon with happiness. But I think he feels really guilty because he knows I'm feeling sad. He's treating me like I'm super fragile right now, but he can't help a grin from sliding back onto his face immediately if he doesn't pay attention. I know this is the very best part about having a boy. My husband will be the BEST father to a son that I can imagine. And yes, I know you all probably feel that way about your husbands...but I swear to god, mine would win in a contest.