I feel like my focus is crystallizing and clarifying itself. I am becoming efficient and direct in my actions. If something needs to be done, I do it. No procrastinating, no whining - it just gets done. On top of this extreme focus, I am also becoming quieter, more inwardly drawn, and more able to just sit and BE. Neither of these abilities (focus on tasks or mindfulness in the moment) have ever been a strong point for me. But I think both are in reaction to my current state of contradictory existence. As in, I am simultaneously living through weeks of work that would have previously brought me to my knees in exhaustion and tears, whilst preparing myself emotionally for the biggest change I may have ever experienced. That state of existence requires focus and attention. And so, I am not letting my workload bowl me over, I am not ignoring nor obsessing over the impending loss of our dog, and I am giving moments to the enormity of what is happening.
Now, you may wonder who this zen-like being is. And, is she real? No, not really. She is just a function of the situation. She is just "getting by" in order to "get through." As I said before, there is no time for an alternative. No time to fall apart. So, I keep it up. For two more weeks. And then, I'm sure when hit by my first "identity shift" (not working???), I may begin to crumble and fall apart over oh-so-important things such as a lack of sufficient amount of burp cloths. But, for right now, I keep it up.
Case in point - last night. I was up until 1:00 in the morning catching up on paperwork that was due today. Not only was I hyper-focused on my work without the typical moans and laments about staying up too late, but I also managed to finish all of the baby laundry AND still relish in the delight of folding onesies and little hats while sitting in the baby rocker. Again, WHO IS THIS PERSON?
The only telltale sign that I may be inwardly cracking is that painful, teeny, tiny cold sore at the corner of my lip. Not noticeable to anyone but me, but oh-so-there. The only other time in my life I ever had a cold sore was in reaction to a 16-mile-hike done at breakneck speed in which I thought I may never live to see civilization again. THAT brought on some cold sores in reaction to me pushing through the physical stress to keep going. Actually, it brought on enough cold sores to send me running in panic to a doctor. This time? Physical, intellectual and emotional stress. And what do I get? Just a teeny-tiny cold sore. I feel like superwoman. Superwoman with a pumpkin belly.
So let's hope the cold sore is not the sign of my strength cracking. Instead, I'm going to keep this up. Because really, I'm doing okay. And, I can do anything for two more weeks. Well, almost anything...don't point me at that 16 mile hike with major elevation gain right about now. I'd fall to my knees and not be able to get back up. In the meantime, while I continue to drive forward, I will relish in the little moments I keep finding for myself. Such as, the kitten asleep on my feet. A tiny baby hat. My husband browning garlic while I stir the rice. These things keep happening despite the rush of our days. So, wherever this inner strength and mindfulness is coming from, I'll take it. I'll take it, and wear it as if I am used to being this person. And I will just ignore the little cold sore...
I'm going to leave you with a puppy-kitty-photo-dump. Can't help myself.