Metamorphosis

So I went today to have an IUD put in. It was the first time back in that type of “clinical” setting since the birth. Oddly, the doctor’s office was right across the street from the hospital where I had Owen. The whole experience showed me just how much I am still recovering emotionally from my birth experience. Even walking by the hospital entrance got my heart racing. Lying there, with my legs spread, feet in stirrups, and watching the doctor come at me with these two-feet-long instruments she was about to put up inside my uterus, my heart was more than racing. I am a trauma therapist and even so I am amazed by how much triggers of a traumatic experience can affect our minds and bodies. After the actual insertion (not too painful physically – just cramping and pinching), I realized I was lightheaded and dizzy. And then, in the car, I felt myself tearing up. So, I suppose even though three months have gone by and I am physically healed from giving birth, my mind just hasn’t caught up yet.

I am not really sure how to “heal” from this. I don’t think I need to go to therapy, because I am processing with myself and with my husband and I am sure that I will have recovered by the time I decide to have a second child. Also, I am finding that our attempts to have sex again, while extremely emotional and somewhat frightening for me, are actually healing me emotionally. Almost replacing the memories and sensations for me.

So, I suppose, I will give it time. Even today, having a medical procedure and having a birth control device inserted, is symbolic of healing. Not only was I able to have a good, positive experience with an OB (thank you Lorna and E for the recommendations!!), but I am committed that I won’t have another baby for a little. That gives me time to heal in more ways than one.

Meanwhile, I am also committed to this decision to move to San Diego! And, with it, to my new role as a “stay at home mom.” I keep qualifying this new role by saying things about my “career goals” and how I feel “start looking” when we move down there. But let’s face it – for awhile anyhow – I am going to be a stay at home mom. And I am excited about it! I am realizing how much more I like myself in this role. Not only do I like the things that I do with my time – going for walks, watching sunsets, frequenting the Farmer’s Markets I never had time for before – but I like the way that I am in this role. I find myself being less lazy, more productive, more social, more competent, more mindful, calmer, happier, and all around content. When I do go back to work, I hope to figure out how to keep these parts of myself integrated into who I am now. It almost feels as if, before motherhood, I was just getting through life. Putting my head down and charging through the layers and layers of stress and work and overload that I had to deal with. But now I feel on top of life and capable and happy and as if I am enjoying the moments more. I know this honeymoon period may fade and I will find myself craving my individuality and my professional self, but for now, I may as well admit it – I like staying at home with Owen!

And Owen? He was three months old yesterday! He is literally JUMPING out of the 4th trimester into this new stage of life. When we were at the doctor’s office today, she kept getting distracted by him because he is so smiley, happy, and socially engaging. She finally asked, “Are you sure he’s only three months old? I cannot believe how social he is!” We get that all of the time. Since birth, people have thought he was older than he is. I always say it's because he has so much hair, but it’s more than that. He is really connected, alert, and engaged with people. My dad called him an “old soul.” I don’t know about that, but he definitely draws people in.

So that is where we are…healing, growing, changing, and crystalizing into something new. So I will leave you with another question - Do you think we make our own identities by choice or are we shaped by the situations and roles we are playing?

From Three Weeks to Three Months!

And one more, because I am suddenly becoming obsessed with "Baby-Wearing"...

Your Thoughts Please

I've shared before here and here about wanting to move out of LA one day. B and I had decided after our trip North that Sonoma area would be our "dream escape from LA." We took a trip up there this summer to scout out the area and decided we were 1-3 years out from being able to relocate, if all went well.

I had settled in to wait it out with Los Angeles. I continued to have a love-hate relationship with the gorgeously plain hipsters on Abbot Kinney. Chose to ignore the traffic that makes my baby scream on a daily basis. Vowed to spend more time communing with whatever nature I could find and visiting the waves that are less than a mile from my house.

But sometimes, when you have made your peace, Opportunity sneaks up and kicks you in the head.

Amongst our many visitors and fieldtrips from daily life, we spent a weekend in San Diego. We commented on how much "calmer" it was, how much more "real" people looked, and marveled at the fact that the beaches are so much more beautiful. And then we headed home and settled back into LA. Until someone jumped on Craigslist and pointed out the difference rental prices between LA and San Diego. And then someone else pointed out that B could just as well run his company from down south and then commute up when necessary. And then BOOM it hit me that this would be an escape out of going back to work.

We daydreamed a little. Spent some time on Craigslist. Daydreamed some more. Discussed with our family that was visited. And slowly, the dream about escaping Los Angeles was becoming a plan. And my excitement began to blend into anxiety as I realized, holy shit, is this happening?

And so people, here we are, only a few weeks later, looking at the very real possibility of relocating in less than 2 months. So real that we have already gone to look at houses down there. Let me explain the reasons why we are NOT crazy before I share the reasons why I am freaking out.

1) The lease is up on our current house in March.

2) I am scheduled to go back to work in March.

3) We would have to start paying our Nanny in March.

4) My sister (my best friend and B's employee) said she would be happy and excited to relocate with us.

5) My sister's boyfriend lost his job right after we started considering this idea and said his friend could find him a job in San Diego.

6) We found a perfect home with extra bedrooms, a back yard and a pool. A home that is a mansion by LA standards.

7) The house is north of SD a little ways and so the commute for B (and my sister) would only be 1.5 hours when he needed to drive up.

You might be wondering...wait, you said you wanted to move to Sonoma? So what are you doing going South? Oh well, at this point, I just want to be somewhere different. Plus, we are looking at it as a practice run to see if B's business can handle him being out of LA, but in San Diego he wouldn't be too far away to still commute easily. Sooo here we are. Within the span of two weeks we have possibly (most likely) made the decision to uproot everything and move.

So what are the downfalls? This is something we've been wanting for awhile. Our quality of life will change considerably in terms of our home and pace of life. My husband and sister will both be working from a home office at our house and so will be closer to Owen. AND I have a way out of having to go back to work, giving me more time home with Owen before I start looking for a new job. Seems like there are no downfalls, right?

Well here is where I need you all to jump in and talk me out of freaking out. Even though I have been dreading going back to work and even though I haven't been very happy with my current job, I DO love my career of being a psychologist and it is a very important part of my identity. My plan if we move is not to quick entirely, but just to "take a break" and then start looking for part-time work to ease back into it. Sounds good. And yet....

And yet I feel like a stereotype. When I left for maternity leave, everyone was teasing me that I "wouldn't come back" or that I would become a "stay at home mom" and I assured all of them that I would come back because I loved being a psychologist. They all looked at me with knowing eyes and said ok, we'll believe when we see it. And now? I will have to go back to work to wrap things up and listen to their "I told you so" chorus.

But ok, no big deal. It's not about what they think. It's about what I want, right? Well ok, then if I look long and hard at what I want, I realize that dual sides of my personality are battling once again. I want to stay home and watch my son change (yesterday he rolled over and giggled for the first time, all in one day!) and be this calm, relaxed, happy person that I've been for the past two months. But, at the same time, it terrifies me to quit working, even for a short time. Because, will I fall behind? Will I get hired again? Am I letting down my current job? Am I letting down myself? Am I letting down our future by not bringing in my income? And mostly, most important of all, will I resent my new role? Because, I love staying home. But I could see that I would begin to chafe against it and feel the need to go back to work.

Argh, I am just rambling here. Basically, my mind is spinning at the fact that we are going to walk away from the life we are currently living - a life that is very good, stable, and happy - for the possibility of a different, better life. And in doing so, I am going to shift my identity - for a little while - into something new. The part of me that loves changing is charging forward into this new life. But my logical side is holding back and wondering if I am making a irresponsible decision.

Whew. Advice? Thoughts? Have you ever made a huge decision in the hopes of a better life? Do you tend to lean more towards logic or emotion when you make your decisions? Am I making a mistake in my career to chase a dream? Any input is appreciated.

Brimming with Life

It’s been almost a month since I updated this blog. That makes me sad because I really like blogging and I feel like it’s not fitting into my life the way it used to before Owen was born. I know that I could say the reason for that is just being “too busy with a baby,” and that is true – oh, so true! – but if I’m honest I suppose the other reason is because blogging served a different purpose before. I started this blog a little over a year ago to document getting pregnant and then the pregnancy itself. Mostly, I used the blog as an outlet to share the inane details of that journey that people in my life didn't really care about (I mean, who cares about your basal temperature or way too many bump pictures?). Also, looking back, I think I was a bit lonely pre-baby. I had started a new job where I didn’t have any friends and a lot of my LA friends had moved away, leaving me alone with my thoughts and plans.

Now? Well, first of all, everyone cares more about inane baby-details (i.e., how many hours he slept last night) than they did about TTC or pregnancy details. Secondly, I seem to have more new friends lately. I had no idea that having a baby was the perfect way to meet new friends, but I feel like I have fallen into an entirely new community of women. Hello, new mothers! And finally? Well, my life just seems so full now. And I don’t mean that in a sense of being “too busy.” I’m sure I could find the time to update this blog more if I felt the burning need to do so. But really, I have never been more content or in the moment than I am now. I mentioned this before, but I realized that I am perfectly content to sit and watch my baby rest his fist on my breast while he snuggles in to feed and I don’t need to do anything else to fill my mind. As someone who has been extremely distractible and impatient most of her life, this is amazing.

So, what am I saying? Is this a goodbye to blogging? No, by no means. I still read your blogs in the middle of the night. It’s just that I have become one of those silent readers that you always wonder about. As, in who is this person who reads but doesn’t comment? Well, for now, one of those people is me. I read, I smile, I tear up, I gasp, I react…but I just don’t comment. I intend to get back into it, but for now, just know that I am following you and I am connecting silently to what you are sharing. That’s all I have.

And on my end? The writing end? I compose entire blog posts to you in my mind. Posts about gender roles in parenthood, the ongoing recovery from what I have labeled my “traumatic birth story,” and my plans for returning to work. But they don’t get written. When I do find the time and urge to write, I want to use this space to document Owen’s development. Because, I started this blog with no readers – just for myself to pour out my thoughts – and I wrote what I wanted. And right now, I want to have written evidence of how he is changing. I want to be able to look back and remember.

So, I guess what I’m saying is I hope that this will transform back into what it was, but for now, this is just…what it is.

Ok. That may have been the longest intro to an actual blog post ever written. Because yes, I am still going to write a post about my baby, because if I don’t take advantage of this quiet moment while he plays happily on his activity mat and practices grabbing his jungle toys, I may not write again for another month!

So, without further ado….how is Owen doing? He is 11 weeks now and such a different baby. I can believe the “4th trimester” theory because he truly seems to be emerging out of that stage into such a different little being. Since I updated this blog last, he has had so many experiences and we have had so many “firsts” with him and I just feel we have really begun to enjoy life with a baby. Let me share some examples. In the last month, Owen has….

- Spent a lot of time in his Beco and Moby carriers. He has graduated to legs-hanging positions and he absolutely loves it. I am tempted to try the forward-facing position in the Beco now because I think he will be enthralled, but have read mixed reviews about its impact on hips and pelvis. Thoughts?

- Traveled to many local tourist spots with his family: Abbot Kinney in Venice, Redondo Beach Pier, Venice Boardwalk, Manhattan Beach, The Grove…

- Went wine tasting (no wine for baby!!) with the grownups. This was a big deal for me. Those of you who know how much I love wine will appreciate how happy I was to get this back into my life.

- Had his first overnight trip! We spent two nights in a hotel in San Diego and he was a dream!

- Begun sleeping longer at night. Sleep warrants its own entire post because, apparently, your baby’s sleep patterns are as unique and intricate as your own political views. Everyone has an opinion and everyone feels strongly about it. But, for us, I am happy that he has begun sleeping for 5-6 hour stretches for his first stretch of the night. Feels like a dream.

- Become so much more social. He has always been an “alert” and engaging baby. He smiled early, right around one month, but now he is ALL smiles. When I lean down to pick him up in the morning he greets me with a huge grin. When daddy walks in from work he smiles at him from across the room (regardless of whether he was screaming 2 minutes before). When strangers ooh and aah over him he smiles like a little flirt. Basically, his “go to” is happy. Yes, he does get fussy and upset (I mean, he IS a baby), but he seems to have an easy-going, happy temperament. We are lucky.

- Improved on his fine and gross motor skills. He is doing better at tummy time. Instead of just screaming, he lifts up his head and chest and looks around and laughs. And then screams. He is also working on inching forward and squirming to the side. He seems to be working on rolling from back to front and has rolled from front to back once. Also, he is learning to grab things. It is amazing to watch. He slowly and deliberately touches his hanging toys and you can visibly see his brain working as he tries to extend his fingers and then close them around the toy. Once he has a hold, he grabs and shakes it with pride. So fun to watch the changes happen.

- Begun interacting with toys. He has two stuffed animals that he loves – a monkey and a little horsie blanket. He will hug them and suck on them and use them to make himself feel better. He also realized that there is a purpose for his carseat toys instead of just getting in mommy’s way. Oh, and chewing. He has started chewing. He can hold on to Sophie and – sometimes – get her into his own mouth. It’s mostly trial and error, but oh so cute.

- Found his voice. He is cooing and making more and more noises everyday. I absolutely love it. I can’t wait until he can tell me what he’s thinking.

- Grown! I think he is around 15 lbs now. He is in a size 2 diaper and fits in some 3-6 month clothes. I packed up his newborn clothes and took the inserts out of his Mamaroo and carseat. My boy is BIG.

Annnnd that is about enough of this for now. Although I did warn you I was going to use this as a baby book/mental diary, I suppose I should cut myself off before I start writing about his pooping habits (no problems there!). I do hope to get this blog back to something different, and I fully understand if comments plummet in the interim due to my own lack of commenting and the sheer boredom of reading about my son’s fine motor skills, but it is what it is.

I am going to leave you with some questions for other moms and other bloggers. And, as always, I will drop a few photos.

Parenting question – What is the deal with this sleep issue? Why are we so heated about it? What works best for YOU?

Blogging question – Have you ever reached a stage where you are less interested in blogging? Do you think you write your blog for yourself or for your readers?

Thriving

Owen had his two month appointment today. He is literally thriving. He gained FOUR pounds in one month! 13 lbs, 3 oz. That is one fat, thriving baby. I take pride in each of his delicious, silky-smooth rolls of fat. Because he and I did that together.

As I watched my son smile and flirt with his all-too-gorgeous doctor and then impress her with his amazing muscle tone while raising his head during tummy time to flirt with himself in the mirror, I realized…we have made it. We have reached the point where I have slid on the mantle of motherhood and wear it gently and calmly. We have a rhythm, a dance, and an ease to the way we interact. He knows me and I know him and we both give to each other. Remember how overwhelmed I was by the symbiosis of breastfeeding? Well, here I am, at my knees with awe at the symbiosis of our relationship.

My little fat, happy, squirmy, man is an integral part of me now. I could list his accomplishments for you – cuddling with his monkey, amazing neck control, turning to make eye contact with us, smiling, smiling, smiling, blowing bubbles, etc, etc, etc – but they would bore you into a glazed over look as you realize that my son is developing right on track. But in my eyes? He is a superstar. I build dreams for what he will do and then quickly tell myself that he can do whatever he wants and doesn’t have to follow any prescribed path I may construct for him.

And me? I am a superstar too. I can stroke his ever-so-soft hair and make his eyes droop and his lips smile. I can get the perfect combo of jiggle-rocking that will put him to sleep even when he’s screaming in protest. I can babywear my baby while housecleaning and feeling oh-so-productive. I can take him on outings and breastfeed in public like it’s no big thing. Basically, I’m a mom.

I realized something about being a parent. I have always loved looking forward to the future, but have never been very good at being in the moment. Parenthood is the best of both worlds. Not only do I get to spend my days looking forward to each new milestone - when will he start grasping? When will he give the first real laugh? I can’t wait until he can sit up! - but I also have learned, for the first time in my life without the assistance of alcohol, to just sit and be in the moment. When Owen was first born, I would need an iPhone, a kindle, or Netflix to entertain me during the endless bouts of breastfeeding. Now, hours will go by where I realize I have just been staring at my son’s eyelashes, petting the cat, complaining over dirt in Owen’s neck folds, and talking to him about nothing at all. This may sound like I have degraded my mental capacity (and I may have), but I like to look at it as if I have become more zen. I am not worrying about paperwork, laundry or other unimportant stuff (like hospital bills??), I am just enjoying my time in the moment. So thank you, Owen, for teaching me that simple yet oh so difficult skill. I may never be so good at it again.

Because I have become so good at being mindful and being in the moment, I haven’t been so skilled at actually documenting the moment, aka blogging! There are so many things I want to blog about – relationships, postpartum sex (!!), mommy friends, maternity leave/going back to work, identity shifts, and all of the goddamn company we have had (no one ever told me that having a baby meant opening a Bed&Breakfast in your house!), but instead of writing these entries, I just stroke my baby’s hair and rock away in the rocking chair. Oh well.

***

Before I leave you with a photo montage (because I can’t help myself), I need to acknowledge one thing that happened that really deserves a post of its own, but if I wait around to write it it may never get written and that would just not be fair. Awhile back I shared that our dog Monte was diagnosed with cancer. We had been fighting it for almost a year and he had been doing really well. But in the past few months he began to deteriorate and the cancer came back. At the end of the pregnancy we were just hoping he could make it to meet Owen. Then we were hoping to get him through the holidays. We got one wish. We got to see him with our baby. Giving him kisses. Dropping toys on his lap when the baby cried. Greeting him at the door with huge licks on the head. Nuzzling his hands. But we didn’t get him through the holidays. The day before Christmas Eve, we had to put Monte down. It was very peaceful, poignant, and tragic. He was my first “baby” and I feel so lucky he was able to stick around to meet Owen. I feel like he knew we were moving from one stage of life to the next and he stayed around long enough to witness it and pass the torch. We will always miss him.

Breastfeeding: Making it Work

Breastfeeding. This will (hopefully) be the last post I spend on this subject. But I decided, before I move on, that I would like to write more about my experiences with breastfeeding, in the hopes that maybe it will help someone else who reads this.

First of all, as I said before, I never anticipated that I would have a hard time with breastfeeding. Even though I read many accounts about how difficult breastfeeding can be...I never took it to heart. I took a breastfeeding class and was so excited to do it myself. In the hospital, breastfeeding started out just as I imagined. When my baby first latched on, I was amazed and shocked and so proud of my little baby. For those first few days I remember my nipples feeling kind of tender while he nursed, but that tenderness was overshadowed by the uterine cramping and blood pouring out of me every time I nursed.

When I got home, I had a lactation consultant from the birthing center come over to help out, but just because I thought it would be "nice." Not because it would be necessary. She showed us different positions to use in different places around my house and when she left I felt happy and confident.

I'm not sure what went wrong from there. I think that slowly the initial tenderness just became more and more painful until each feeding felt like shards of glass were ripping my breasts apart from the inside. Seriously. Especially the first minute of feeding. I would bite my tongue, curl my toes, and count down inside my head to get through the pain. I know this sounds dramatic, but this is how it was. It got so bad that I would dread having to feed my baby. I'm not going to go into details, because I explained it in another post, but basically the pain of feeding led me to question whether I could continue each time I fed. The first few weeks were interspersed with periods of me sobbing to my mother or husband about how I felt like such a failure. It was only sheer determination that kept me going. Pure and utter stubbornness because I didn't want to give up.

So. The purpose of this post is to talk about what worked and didn't work for me. It is not by any means a prescription for what will work for other women. It's just what worked for me. And if there is a take home message here, I think it should be that breastfeeding can be extremely hard work and you need to find what works for you.

Latching. This really is as important as they say. At first, I was convinced that my latch was okay. Why did I think this? Well, every time someone checked me (nurses, lactation consultants, La Leche League leaders, etc), they told me I had a great latch. So I would read materials that stressed the importance of a latch and I would roll my eyes in frustration. But, looking back, I believe this really was the key to my problems. I knew how to latch and was capable of helping Owen latch, but I wasn't consistently getting it right. The more painful the feedings, the more avoidant I was, which created a worse latch, which made me more fearful...enter vicious cycle. This was only worsened by nighttime feedings when I was extra-tired or cluster feedings on the hour. Finally, after another consultation with the LC, I remembered her saying "Just get him on there." From then on, that became my mantra. Stop playing around and just get him on the nipple. I also made sure to focus on scooping him up from below the nipple and really aiming below the nipple, instead of above. I think that this was the primary change that helped me.

Nipple Creams. I tried all of them. Medela Lanolin. Lanisoh Lanolin. Hydrogel Pads. Breast milk baths. Boob-Ease Cream. APNO Prescription Ointment. It started to drive me crazy when people would say, "Have you tried...." The answer was always yes. In the end, I think it was a combination of the APNO (1-2x/day) and the BoobEase (similar to MotherLove, natural with olive oil, calendula, etc). However, I can't really say if either cream made a difference because those also happened to be the last ones I used. Everyone swears by some type of cream. I guess my advice here is TRY THEM ALL and find out what works for you. Even now, I still put the BoobEase (seriously, what a name) on my nipples after a particularly voracious feeding session.

Latch Assist - I wish I had found this earlier. I have flat nipples. That is not something I was ever aware of before. I though all nipples looked like mine? Now 7 weeks in, they aren't as flat as they used to be. But, initially, I think part of the pain during initial latch was him literally sucking my nipples out. POP. The latch assist does this painfully in two seconds. I highly recommend.

Milk Saver This didn't necessarily help me with the pain of breast feeding, but again, I highly recommend this. The point here is to put the Milk Saver on whatever breast you are not feeding on, and it will catch the extra milk. In the beginning, before I regulated, this was a huge deal. It made the difference between being drenched in milk by the end of a 15 minute feeding session. By putting the Milk Saver on, not only did it prep my nipple a little, but I was able to get 3-4 oz per feeding out of just one breast. Amazing! Now that I'm more regulated, I don't need to use it any more. I checked today just to see, and I was only getting about half an oz.

Position This is also highly important. Have you noticed how obsessed the lactation consultants are with positioning? Every time I would have the LC come over, she would show me ways to put arms, footstools to use, and origami designs of pillows. Eventually I learned that not only was it important to be ergonomically correct, but it was much more important to just be comfortable and relaxed. My favorite position started to be Laid Back Breast Feeding. Google it. It's awesome. But basically, I would lie back with the baby on my stomach and let him latch on from below the breast. This seemed to be a good position for latching, but also just emotionally because I felt relaxed. So, what am I saying here? I guess just find a position that you would like to be relaxing in if you didn't happen to be breastfeeding. Get comfy and cozy. Make the best of it!

Getting Comfy. Related to getting comfy in positioning, you also need to have all of your "extras" with you. For me, that was a soft pillow, a bottle of water (it makes me SO thirsty!), the Milk Saver, my cell phone, and TV. Yes, TV. TV was pretty much the most important thing for me because it distracted me and allowed me to enjoy the breastfeeding when it wasn't initially so enjoyable. I know it sounds silly, but I'm pretty sure when I started inviting Netflix to the breastfeeding relationship, it all got way better.

Taking a Break This was the hardest thing I did. When my left nipple got so bad (literally - NO skin) that I couldn't handle it anymore. I ended up giving my left side a break. This was really, really hard to do because it meant that every time I fed the baby I also had to pump. So picture this - middle of the night feeding on the right side, then rock the baby to sleep, then I'd still have to pump. The other really hard thing about this is I never knew if he was getting enough milk from just one side and so we also were supplementing with bottles of breast milk (thank you Milk Saver!). So, then there was the added stress of bottle feeding and guilt of giving my little baby bottles at 2-3 weeks of age. But, in the long run, this was SO worth it. Watching the skin grow back on my nipple was amazing.

Mindset. This is important too. I got stuck in a mindset that it would always be this way. Then, I read something on Esperanza's blog about approaching each session as it's own session. Even if the last session was terrible, that doesn't mean the current one will be bad. And vice versa. It also doesn't mean the pain will go on forever. As a therapist, I had to remind myself to stay away from words like forever, always, worst, unbearable... You get the idea.

Time. Everyone says, It gets better with time. The problem with this is, every one has an answer to a question of how much time. At first, everything I read said two weeks. After two weeks it will be better. I remember in the beginning the pain was so bad that I couldn't imagine it going on for two whole weeks. HA. In the end, it took me five weeks. The thing is, the amount of time is different for everyone. But it won't go on forever. The question just is, can you outlast the pain?

I'm sure there is more I could say about this, but I started writing this post almost two weeks ago and I just want to get it published. I will do my best to respond to comments on this post though, so maybe we can get a conversation going. So feel free to ask questions about anything I didn't mention. For example, nipple shields? Yep, tried them. Didn't work. Ouch. Or to leave suggestions on what worked for you.

Before I post this, let me leave you with a Where I Am Now Picture. At 7 weeks, I am in SUCH a different place that even finishing this post - something that seemed so important to me two weeks ago - was hard work for me. Breastfeeding is so easy for me now. I love that I have exactly what my baby needs and it will always calm him when all else fails. I love that I can seduce him into a breastmilk coma in a way that a bottle never can. I love stroking his hair and watching his eyes slowly close as he swallows. It has become so connected, so intimate and...so easy. Thank god. It is also convenient. No more cleaning bottles, pumps, etc. Nothing to bring with us when we go out. I just have everything he needs. And feeding him in the middle of the night? So easy. I just pull him into bed, feed him, and put him back in his bassinet. This is how I hoped it would be.

In sum, I hope that people reading this can see two things. One, if you are having a hard time, you are NOT alone. And two, there is hope at the end of the tunnel. If I can go from crying, sobbing, and feeling like a failure, to feeling like a pro, then there is hope. If you want to make breastfeeding work, the best thing you can do is keep trying to find the unique combination of things that work best for you and your baby and then just give it time. But, if you feel that isn't bearable and you cannot wait it out. Then I totally understand. Every single day I walked the line between quitting and continuing. Whatever each woman decides should be her own choice and she should be respected for that choice.

Wow. This post is disjointed. I wrote it over three periods of time in between baby naps. But you know what? I'm going to post it anyhow. Maybe it will help someone. And I hope it starts a conversation. Please leave comments with what worked for you or what didn't work for you. OR why you decided to keep going or decided to switch to a different method of feeding. And if you have any questions, I will do my best to answer.

Six Weeks: Emerging Out of Post-Partum

40 days post partum is a significant number. Many different cultures have special customs for this 40 day time period. If you don’t believe me, just ask Wikipedia. 40 days is approximately equal to the six-week-period recognized by US disability. AND my 40 days ended on my 32nd birthday this weekend. It’s odd, because I feel like this weekend I crossed over some sort of hurdle into feeling like myself again.

Things I did this weekend that made me feel human:

-Took a long, hot bath.
-Went out for an expensive birthday dinner with my husband while my sister watched Owen.
-Split an expensive bottle of wine with my husband during said dinner. This bottle of wine was the first really expensive bottle of wine we ever splurged on and when we bought it (a few years ago) we said we would drink it after I had our first baby. It was definitely worth the wait. It was also worth pumping and dumping the milk.
-Went grocery shopping by myself while Daddy watched the baby.
-Took a nap with Owen and B, snuggled in bed together.
-Took Owen to a baby shower and showed him off to friends.
-Visited friends who just had a baby and felt like I actually had good advice and wisdom to share.
-Was surprised by a small family birthday party.

Overall, I began to feel like there were other things in my life besides baby. Now, don't take this the wrong way. I’m not saying “everything is better because of the non-baby stuff.” It was a combination of being able to have some time for myself as well as continuing to feel more and more confident and happy in my role as mother. I’m also really enjoying my days home alone with Owen. We have a nice rhythm and I love being able to easily give him what he needs and keep him happy. All of this is tied up with feeling better physically in terms of recovery from labor and breastfeeding, such that I just feel so much more normal.

The bizarreness of it all is that it coincided with the 40 days period of post-partum. Almost as if the traditional 40 days really are a magic number for recovery. Because it was a recovery for me. I know that it's not always like that for everyone, but for me it was a major process. As of this week, the first part of my maternity leave (disability) ends and the second stage (family leave) starts. It really feels like the first six weeks were a disability period for me. I was kind of a mess. Now I am really looking forward to the next 12 weeks of just being with my son and enjoying my time. This morning, when Owen woke up, I pulled him into bed with me and fed him in a side-lying position (the best possible way to breast feed), and then we cuddled together in bed, half asleep. A pretty amazing way to start the next stage of maternity leave, if you ask me.

5 Weeks

Baby - Owen is so solid and heavy now, he feels so much like a real person. I know that sounds weird, but it’s like I can see him transitioning from newborn to baby. He definitely stays awake more now and can entertain himself on his activity mat. Wait – did I say that last week? Well, it’s even more obvious this week. He clearly laughs and smiles now which is SO rewarding and we all love it. He has been clusterfeeding a LOT lately, but then slept for almost five hours last night. Awesome. He did amazingly at Mommy & Me today. I swear he loves it there. He just sleeps, eats, and lays on his blanket. No fussing. So sweet and calm. He has grown out of Newborn clothes and into the Newborn Honest diapers (which didn’t fit him at first). Annnd he is just…doing everything he’s supposed to be doing ☺

Me - I am doing SO much better. First of all, breastfeeding. I am back to feeding him on both sides. Which means no more pumping AND feeding, which is such a relief. While it can still be painful at times and my nipples are not fully healed, I am feeling so much more confident about it. At the Mommy group today I fed him like a champ and felt so proud. Physically, we took a really long walk to the beach this weekend and I felt sore afterwards. Sore in my perineal area – ouch. Sore in all of my other neglected muscles – good. My body originally lost a lot of weight and seems to have plateaued. I attribute that to the Holidays and I’m okay with that. In total, I am still up a little over 10 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight. Finally, I have started looking forward to things in the future and feeling excited about things again. This weekend is my 32nd birthday and I will be going out to dinner with B whilst my sister watches Owen at home. Big deal!

Other Stuff- We have taken Owen out to restaurants twice now. I realize other families take their babies out before one month, but that is how long it took us, and I’m trying to be ok with doing things on our own timeline. Owen did great at both meals. I’m thinking I will miss this stage when he can sleep through an entire meal. At the Mommy & Me Group today, we had to say what we had to give up to be a mother. I think I answered that in my post about breastfeeding. Being a mother seems to take away a part of my independence and identity. But, I’m realizing it replaces that with something else entirely.

What have you given up to be a mother? This pertains to those of you who are already moms, are currently pregnant, or who are still trying.