Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Post-Holiday Haze

So I haven't posted for awhile due to the Holiday craziness. But it's been craziness in a good way. We threw our dog and cat into our car and drove from southern California to Oregon and then over to Montana. Wow. It's been hectic. But it's been really nice to be with family and be back "home."

Here's a quick photo update:

Drove through torrential blizzards in my new car, which proved it's worth very nicely.

Stopped in Napa Valley along the way and drank a lot of wine and joined two more wine clubs (oops!). This photo is of Chateau Montelena from the movie Bottleshock.

Christmas #1

First Christmas was at my Mom's house in Oregon. I feel most "at home" here, because well, she's my mom :) We opened presents with my mom, my aunt, and my two cousins who are more like my two younger sisters. This was nice and relaxed and I wish I had a few more days there.

In Oregon, I got my Christmas present from my husband. A Marc Jacobs briefcase/bag for work. I was blown away. It is beautiful and extravagant and I love it. It made me feel so special.

Christmas #2
Spent Christmas Eve at my Dad's house with his wife and her kids. This was really nice too. My husband and I feel so comfortable here and get along so well with everyone and we went through about 5 bottles of wine from Napa. Not too shabby.

Christmas #3

Christmas #3 was at my sister-in-law's house with her kids and my in-laws. This was probably the least "homey" for me, and I was a little Christmas-ed out at that point. But it was still a very nice day with a beautiful Christmas dinner.

Now, day after Christmas, I'm lazing around at my Dad's house, relaxing by the fire. Amidst all of the craziness, I feel like I haven't even had a chance to think about this Cycle of trying. Family members keep asking about it (they all somehow know we're trying) and I had a nice conversation with my sister-in-law and what it was like for her and how it took her 5 months with her first baby. I've been temping still, but my temps may be a little more erratic due to random sleep cycles, weird beds, dog waking me up, etc etc. I'm on CD10 and I'm hoping to ovulate on CD15 (New Year's Eve). For two reasons....first, I'd like to be able to celebrate with some drinks with my good friends in Sacramento. Two, I think it sounds fortuitous to ovulate on New Year's Eve ;)

Well that's it for now. It's been a whirlwind and we're all tired out and happily recovering :)

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Ha, Ha, Ha....

Ok, so in light of my recent craziness, I just wanted to repost a picture that I previously posted when I fell ill with the same craziness the first time I was waiting to ovulate. I think this illness could be diagnosed as Hypersensitivy/Hyperemotionality Disorder. So, nothing to update you on. Just wanted to share this (again).

Seems appropriate.

Monday, December 17, 2012


"It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife."

As soon as I posted the previous post, I started my period. I guess I took my own advice. Move on. Get over it.

Somehow, I feel better.

Waiting to Fall

I'm writing this, but I'm not sure I'm going to post this. At least, not yet. The reason is, I'm teetering on the edge. Edge of what, you might ask? I think the edge of insanity?

But first I have to admit something. There is a well-known phenomenon in psychology called social referencing. This is where we compare ourselves to others to either feel good about our selves (as in - "At least I remembered not to tuck my skirt into my underwear today. I am looking good.") or to pressure ourselves to do better (as in - "Damn how does she get all of that done and still seem so put together?? Maybe I should at least wash my face and pay my library fines."). Social referencing can make you seem, well, a little bitchy. And I have to admit that I am guilty of a little bitchiness. Not intentionally, but out of fear. When I first stated reading the TTC forums I did some downward social referencing. Things like, "Well I will never get THAT crazy!" and "I will never over-analyze THAT that dramatically" and "Oh, ok, get over it, you're getting your period. Accept it and move on."

See? Bitchy, right?

But it honestly came out of fear...out of a hope that I could distance myself from that pain that drives us to cling so desperately to a hope. And now? I have completely gone off the deep end. Seriously.

I have every imaginable sign that my period is starting. My temp has dropped below coverline, I have brown-tinged CM, and I am moody as hell. And yet, here I am, googling symptoms, hoping, wishing, ignoring reason... Basically, obsessing and over-analyzing dramatically. Now there is no more downward social referencing. I've dropped into the pits.

So, looking up from these pits of craziness, I am waiting to post this blog entry in the hopes that...what? My period won't start today? It wont' start tomorrow? That I'm pregnant? I feel so silly writing that. I know at this that I'm not pregnant. It's so absolutely crazy. I feel like I'm hanging onto a cliff just hoping there is a net down there to catch me when I fall.

Let's hope we all have some safety nets, huh?

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Starting to Feel It

So far, I would say this whole trying-to-make-a-baby thing has been fun. I've been in the happy, excited bliss of just getting started. But today, I glimpsed a tiny bit of the emotional roller coaster that must be after months and months of trying. In fact, I glimpsed just enough to know to I can't even begin to comprehend it nor understand how women keep going month after month. To those of you out there, you have my respect and awe.

Why do I say this, you might ask? Because I took my first pregnancy test. I just couldn't help myself. I was so worried my temp would drop today that, when it didn't, I ran into the bathroom and peed on a stick. An expensive plastic stick. Negative, of course. At 11DPO. What else was I expecting? Well, obviously, you can imagine what I was hoping. Anyhow, that was sad, but still, just a blip. I was ok after that, if feeling a little silly. But then I started to have some spotting today, the day before my suspected period. According to Occam's theory, we can deduce that the simplest explanation would be that my period will show up like clockwork tomorrow. Ok, even that I can accept.

It's just that...well, now everything seems grayer. And I have to re-adjust my expectations of what the holidays will be, and...and...and...Damn.

WAIT! Oh god, I'm doing it! Doing what I see so many women do on the forums. "Oh I tested today at 5DPO and it was negative, so I must be out this month. Oh no, how sad." Ha. Wow, calm down lady. Don't count yourself out until you're out. And don't be so damn dramatic. BUT, I get it. From the bottom of my heart, I get it. I foolishly announced my hopes to the blog world and all of six (two? three?) people may have read it and now here I am saying, "Ooops, just kidding. This month is the same as last month."

But, I guess, I'm still on the ride, so I'll just hold on and wait until it starts over again. Can I just fast forward to tomorrow?

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Time Will Tell....

So I'm on 10DPO and things are looking good. But I'm anxious to see what will happen tomorrow because last cycle on 11DPO, my temp dropped and I started cramping and then my period came the next day. If I can just make it through a few more days without my temp dropping, at least that will mean my LP is lengthening, which is a good thing.

This cycle has been different for me. It really feels like my "first" cycle. Last month I was still recovering from appendix surgery and the whole two weeks were a blur. I remember thinking, "Well this isn't so bad, I'm already at 9DPO and I barely noticed." Ha. This time I've let myself get my hopes up (Beginner's Mistake??) and I've even whispered to myself a few times "I think I'm pregnant." Which, in a few days, I'm sure I'll feel pretty silly about admitting that to all of you (three? four?) readers out there.

I promised myself I wouldn't start symptom-spotting and, if I did, that I wouldn't write about it on my blog, I go. This morning we went out for Mexican for breakfast. I immediately said that their salsa tasted different - more bland. Then I said that my mineral water with lime tasted like tap water. And pretty much my whole meal nothing much at all. My husband thought I was crazy. Especially when I pointed out that maybe it was a weird, freaky pregnancy symptom. *sigh* Yeah right, or it could just be the fact that I have a snuffy nose that is messing with my sense of smell and taste.

Either way, I'm having a happy day. Ran errands with my husband and barely started Christmas shopping. As soon as I finish this post I am about to go make good friends with Amazon to shop some more. How is everyone else doing? Done shopping? Presents wrapped? If so, I hate you. ;)

Thursday, December 13, 2012

If I'm Not Pregnant...

I have started thinking in sentences that start with either "If I'm pregnant..." or "If I'm not pregnant..." I decided to dedicate this post to a list of things I will do if I'm NOT pregnant in January. Don't ask me why...maybe to have something to look forward to on the darker side of the coin? Maybe just...because? Probably just to let out these thoughts rattling around in my brain that no one really cares to hear but me. So, if you're unfortunate enough to be reading this self-indulgent post, skip ahead to the next one. There's plenty of self-indulgence to choose from.

If I'm NOT Pregnant In January, I Will....

....start up with horseback riding again. I took December off, in deference to my crazy, crazy schedule. But I'm missing it physically and emotionally. I need to get back up to the barn. To the peace, comfort and physical challenge.
...go back on Weight Watchers. Seriously, how cliche! But honestly, horseback riding isn't the only thing I've let slide this month! In fact, ironically, I let my online subscription lapse JUST before Thanksgiving. Oops. That makes it the first time in four years that I haven't had an online membership to WW, so I could at least pretend I was monitoring what I eat.
...get a massage! I've heard/read mixed opinions on prenatal massage, but the take home message that it doesn't seem to be a good idea in the first Trimester. Anyone know anything about this? It's big on my list of Things to Ask a Doctor.
...get a Brazilian wax. Yet another appointment I haven't had time to make. Too much info for you? Too bad. I need to visit my esthetician. Do people DO that while they're pregnant? Seems odd.
...DRINK SOME WINE!!! You were waiting for it, weren't you? Come on, by know you should know I have a little bit of an addiction.

Oh, and one thing that should go on my If I'm Not Pregnant in February list is....ENJOY MEXICO the way it's supposed to enjoyed!! No avoiding massages, alcohol, food...anything.

And what, you may ask, will I do If I AM Pregnant in January?? Well, that list is much, much longer. But it starts with PANIC and CELEBRATE! :)

Oh and a quick Cycle Update:
I'm on 8DPO and nothing much is happening. I am trying to not drive myself crazy with symptom spotting that I know is just craziness. For example, should I freak out and start celebrating because I had a painful twinge and a temp dip on 7DPO? No, I should stay calm and just wait. Wait, wait, wait. My main goal for this cycle (aside from the OBVIOUS) is that I will extend my LP to 13 or 14 days, instead of 11. We'll see!

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Embracing the Moment

I’m focusing on mindfulness and contentment today. In more ways than one. Mindfulness is a concept that psychology stole from Buddhism, simplified it, and called it its own. Basically, according to 3rd-wave psychologists, Mindfulness is the art of being in the moment such that you truly exist in the now without judging your physical or emotional experiences in this moment. You are supposed to envision your mind like a Teflon pan and whatever hits you, just slides right off, without judgment or pain. For example, ”Oh shit, I forgot to call so-and-so back to make that appointment!” The thought comes, enters your mind, and slides away, without a scratch on your emotional state. Mindfulness is also about appreciation. Appreciating the sip of caramel-vanila tea on my tongue, appreciating the sunlight on the ugly skyscraper out of my office window, or simple basic things like enjoying sitting with bare feet under my desk.

So basically, find your peace and accept it. Non-judgementally.

I am NOT very good at Mindfulness. I am always rushing, rushing for the next experience. Or second guessing the one I am currently having. Or worrying about what is going to happen in the future. Or, or, or….

I feel guilty about my moments of mindfulness. Like, taking the time to write this blog while I should be working. Guilt. But then my rational mind argues that I have been working straight through since 8:30 this morning and will continue until 8:00 tonight, with only a five minute break for my lunch. Um, damnit…I deserve a few minutes to drink my tea and contemplate mindfulness.

Today I was worrying about the fact that getting pregnant will stop me from doing one of my favorite things in the world (besides drinking wine!!) – traveling. My husband is always quick to remind me that, if I love it that much, it doesn’t mean we need to stop, it will just slow down. I know he’s right…but I get this grasping fear that I am missing out on something. Oh no! I STILL haven’t made it to Italy (my #1 location) or The Galapagos or Ireland or….. But damnit, that is not being mindful. It is the opposite of mindfulness (and Buddhism) to overload yourself with wants and desires, rather than appreciating what is in front of you. And so, I remind myself that eating pasta in Italy must be amazing, but so is holding your baby in your arms. There is mindfulness on a day-to-day basis. Such as, don’t worry about how much I have to do tomorrow, just focus on getting through the next four hours. OR, better yet, focus on right now, my fingers typing these words. And then there is mindfulness on another level. Accept where I am in my life. Accept it so I can happily embrace it.

That is not the same thing as ignoring your wants and desires, by the way. If I ignored the fact that impending motherhood meant cutting back on my dreams of traveling, then I would have other feelings pop up…Resentment? Anxiety? Frustration? So rather, I look at what I am letting go and, nonjudgmentally, let it slide away. You can’t hold two things in one hand. So, right now, I’m focused on this new dream 

And….back to the right now…I am trying to NOT focus on the next week of hell at work before vacation and the many late nights of working at home AND the fact that I have to get through this TWW to see how close I am to that new dream…I am going to just…BE.

Oh, and I am going to enjoy these beautiful flowers that my husband sent me because he feels bad for how hard I’m working. Damn, it’s easy to mediate on such a sweet sentiment, isn’t it?

Funny thing. The second I completed this post, my office phone rang. It was the secretary letting me know my next appointment is here. Ok, enough Buddhism, BACK TO WORK!

Monday, December 10, 2012

Crossing Off the Days....

Every morning at work I cross off the days on my calendar as they tick by. This morning, when I crossed them off, I noticed that, since I have also crossed off the days of my vacation, all that is left is a nice little countdown to test day. Kinda funny. Staring me in the face at work. Cross one day off at a time, huh?

My temp jumped up this morning, which was exciting, but then I realized it could just as easily be explained by the fact that I got no sleep at all last night due to the fact that my dog was whining and crying all night. No idea what was up with that. Anyhow, would like to say the temp rise is a good sign, not a sign of sleep deprivation, but who knows?

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Pregnant Fashionista?

I went shopping today at BCBG (a store usually beyond my means, but thanks to my hubby for my birthday gift certificate!) and realized that I was picking out clothes that could work as "pregnant clothes." I bought one long, flowing, color-blocked shirt and another enormous, thick sweater. The kind that are meant to be worn with leggings. Am I crazy or are the fashions right now just made for pregnant woman? I mean seriously, leggings and giant tops? Awesome. Then I bought one beautiful, super-expensive, royal blue, transparent, button-up top that was just...because. Totally NOT pregnancy clothes. Totally more than I should spend on a shirt. But it made my hair shine blonder than normal and my eyes pop and the transparency is sexy in a classy way. Thanks to my sister for making me buy that one :)

Hey LooK! This could be me!! Sweater, leggings, boots...I got it all! Just no pregnant belly or weird little hat.

I'm having a hard time with my "first" two week wait. I keep staring at my chart and hoping to fast-forward the days to the 19th. I chose the 19th to test because it will be 14DPO and because it's the day we leave for our Christmas vacation. I probably won't even make it that far...last month I started my period on 12DPO. So, we'll see.

My husband is going around with a sappy grin on his face saying things like "I know you're pregnant." Super cute. But it's also making me super excited and I don't want to get my hopes up too much. At least the good thing about going back to work is that I will get too busy to obsess about this too much.

p.s. I didn't drink wine at my birthday dinner. Practicing to be a mommy is hard work!

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Happy Birthday to Me

Well, it's my birthday. I'm officially 31 now. When my husband asked me what I wanted to do today, I rolled over in bed (after completing my first desire of the day - sleeping in until after 10:00) and asked him in an embarrassed voice if I could just do nothing at all. He was so sweet and said, "I think that is a great idea, you've just been so busy and working so hard, why don't you take a day to completely relax. Don't think about anything you have to do, just relax."

Why thank you, I will. I am currently laying on the couch in my PJs, under a big blanket and next to the warm fire. All I've managed to do today is take a nap. Which is impressive, considering I woke up at 10. Tonight we're going out to a very extravagant, expensive dinner with just us and my sister. I specifically asked for not a large group. I think it will be perfect.

How do I feel about turning 31? Pretty damn good. Same as I felt last year when I turned 30. I'm happy with my life. Happy with what I've accomplished. But, if I turn 32 next year and I'm not pregnant or holding a baby, I won't be singing the same tune. Isn't it weird how you start thinking in terms of "By the time such-and-such happens...I'm sure to be pregnant" or "I probably won't be able to do blah, blah, blah because I'll probably be pregnant by then." I'm sure that goes away and can be replaced by grim realism and I secretly hope to never reach the point where my thinking changes.

For example, we just planned our trip for Valentine's Day. I am SO excited! We're going back to Zihuatanejo, Mexico. A place I've been to four times. It is a tiny fishing village on the Pacific coast in a sheltered bay. There are probably better places to go, and definitely better beaches...but it is beautiful and special and has meaning for us. Our first trip we went for our Luna de Miel (Honeymoon sounds prettier in Spanish, doesn't it?). Our second trip we went after a really difficult time in our relationship and the trip came after we recommitted to each other. The third trip we went with our best friends and they got engaged right on "our beach" - Playa La Ropa. And my last trip, my husband didn't come, because I went with my mother, aunt, and sister for my Mom's 60th birthday.

Here is a picture from one of our trips:

Here is where we'll be staying this year:

I seriously can't wait.

SO. Here I am, turning 31, being a lazy bum on the couch, and dreaming about the future in more ways than one.

Speaking of one of those ways....FF changed my ovulation date when I entered my temp this morning. I had been doubting the day they gave me because of the sharp pains I had the day after that I associated with ovulation and just...well, the feeling I had that I had ovulated on Wednesday, not Thursday. So that puts me at 3DPO (again) and with Ovulation on CD16. I'll take it.

An interesting fact. My husband told me on Wednesday after we had sex that he had his own feeling that he had just gotten me pregnant. I'm sure its something all guys say, huh? But it was so sweet and gave me a funny feeling in my tummy (NOT that kind of feeling!). When FF marked my O date the day before he supposedly impregnated me with his super sperm, I didn't have the heart to tell him it was virtually impossible. Well, now his dream is intact. Maybe it really DID happen.

Here's hoping....

Friday, December 7, 2012

Cycle Update

So I woke up this morning and put in my temperature and found out that I am 3DPO. Exciting! My coverline was lower than I expected it to be and so I thought at most I was 1-2 days post O. Good to know. I rolled over in bed and said to my husband, "I ovulated." And he mumbled sleepily, "Congratulations." Ha. Congratulations indeed. My body did what it was supposed to. And on CD15 this time, instead of CD24. Quite an accomplishment, ovaries, congrats to you. Well done.

So now here I am, entering what feels like my first TWW. Last month didn't really count in my mind as I had my surgery at 3DPO, which kind of messed things up physically and mentally. Even if there were a chance I was pregnant, there definitely wasn't any symptom-spotting, as in "Was that painful twinge my missing appendix or an implantation pain?" Yeah right.

So here I go. Hoping to stay sane. I imagine it won't be too hard to not fixate on this stuff, given how busy I will be at work for the next two weeks. It's weird, I plan on testing on 14DPO, which will be December 19th, which is the day I finish up with all of my crazy work stuff and we get in a car to leave for Christmas break. Things really do fall into cycles, don't they?

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

5 Things

So I saw this article posted on Facebook and was skimming through it half-heartedly when I realized it was really interesting and inspiring. Basically, a nurse in Australia who works in hospice care (I really don't know how people do that job, but I suppose they say that about mine too), starting asking her dying patients about their regrets. Somehow she put all of these regrets together and and came up with a "Top 5" list. Probably not as funny or witty as Jay Leno's "Top 5 Lists." You can click on the link to read more. So, the thought got me thinking and I decided to rate myself on how I'm dying on each life value.

#1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

So this one is hard to rate. My initial reaction was that I would score a 5 out of 5 on this value. I have done a lot of things I wanted to do in my life so far. I've learned Spanish fluently. I've traveled to six countries (not counting Canada!). I've pursued a career that I wanted and love what I do. In fact, my profession is a major part of who I am. And I am married to someone who makes me better each day.

But that is just a list of life accomplishments. Does that have anything to do with "living a life that is true to myself?" So, let's I living a life that is based on anyone else's expectations of me? I know I'm not living the life my parents expected of me, because I can honestly say they didn't have any expectations for me. Ha. I mean that in a good way. They have never put any pressure on me to do a certain thing or be a certain way. In fact, I think they think I'm crazy for going to school so long or working so long.

I would say that the only person I may be adjusting parts of my life for would be my husband. There are things I have sacrificed for him in order to maintain my relationship with him and place it first in my life. But really, isn't that the point of a marriage? And truth be told, he's sacrificed a lot more for me.

Sooooo what about on a deeper level? Am I being a person true to who I really am? Oh jeez, that just sounds too sappy and too much like high school soul searching. But, I think the answer is - yes. Each day I don't spend too much time being fearful, or doubting, or questioning myself. Basically, it feels good.

Score? 4.5

#2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

Hmmm. Good question. Especially this week. Especially after today, a 12 hour day filled with listening to stories of trauma and loss. I work really, really hard. And so does my husband. In fact, sometimes I worry a lot about this. What kind of life is it to get home at 8:30 at night? And how can I be a mom when I work this hard?

But we do a good job finding a balance. I have 3 days off a week, we take fabulous vacations, and we do a great job with "mini-vacations" on a weekly basis (massages, dinners, day trips).

Also, I'm not planning on working this hard my whole life. I plan on working part-time after I have kids and then eventually moving to somewhere in the country where I can have land, horses, and a quieter lifestyle.

So. Right now? Not so great, but it is an ends to a means. Neither of us grew up with any financial security and so right now we're building that. For us and for our family. I'm ok with that. I just can't/don't want to maintain it.

Score? 3

Side note...according to the article, this regret was mostly expressed by males. I wonder if this is a generational thing or if I am just not very womanly? ;)

#3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

This is vague. To who? In what situation? About what?

I would hope, given my job, that I'm pretty good at this. I don't have any deep-seated feelings or regrets that I haven't told anyone. I am open with my friends and family and share what I need or feel. But I also acknowledge that this is easier for me given that I am lucky to not have any deep-seated familial issues or any such thing.

The only thing I can think about here is that sometimes at work I can be too accommodating and take on too much work. Basically, I have a hard time saying no to my supervisors. So, if that is "expressing feelings, then yeah...I need to work on that.

Score? 4.5

#4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Ok this, I am TERRIBLE at. I don't know how to stay in touch with people and I am not one of those people who just picks up the phone to "catch up." I am also TERRIBLE at using the postal service (I got this from my mom) and so I'm not good at sending cards, gifts or care packages. *sigh* So yes, I've probably lost touch with people that I wish I hadn't. For example, the only friend I still have from high school happens to currently live in the same town as me.

But I'm also working on this. When I recently switched jobs, I knew that I was running the risk of losing all of the friends I had made there (thereby losing most of all friends, period). So I made an effort to maintain the friendships. With my busy life (see #2), this literally means sometimes planning things weeks in advance and putting it in my iCalendar, but hey, I'm trying!

You know, one of the reasons I think that I'm so bad at this is because my husband truly is my best friend. Some times I think I would just be perfectly content with just the two of us. But then I remember what girlfriends are for. Thank god for my sister and my best friend.

Score? 2

#5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Isn't that an interesting wording? "LET myself be happier." Such a healthy and brilliant way to describe it. As if happiness is something we are preventing ourselves from experiencing.

I think that is true, but only to a degree. There are life events or contextual variables that definitely but a damper on allowing yourself to feel happy. In fact, there are some situations that, if you were feeling happy, I'd find myself reaching for the DSM.

That being said, I would say I've gotten much better at this as I've grown older. Even in the last six months, I have been working on this. For me, it's been about mindfulness. Being mindful and appreciative of each moment. Instead of stressing over tomorrow, I'm trying to appreciate this moment. As in, right now...sitting by the fireplace, writing this blog, sipping some wine and just enjoying the fact that my feet are nice and warm. Seriously.

But this, to me, seems to be a lifelong journey. Good luck to us all. Let us allow the happiness in.

Score? 3.5

Wow, so that felt like a post all about me (although aren't they all?). I'm not sure anything really cares to know that much about my inner thoughts and goals. So, please do YOU rate? On a scale of 1-5, how would you rate yourself?

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Soup's On!

Today is a lazy Sunday. I am mired in overwhelming piles of paperwork that needs to be done BY tomorrow. So I'm sitting on the couch, with my laptop, fireplace turned on (yep, gas fire), kitty in lap and....blogging? Oops, I mean "working."

I'm also simultaneously making soup. How multi-taskingly-efficient, you might say. And to that I will say, Thank You Very Much. Making leftover Turkey Noodle Soup is my favorite thing after Thanksgiving. I did the prep work...

Then I pried the frozen, disgusting turkey carcass out of the freezer and made gross, whiny sounds while I plopped it into my enormous cauldron.
Right now it is simmering away making homemade turkey stock. (Isn't stock a weird word? Being from Montana, it instantly makes me think of a stock yard. As in Cattle...Moo.). So I get to feel productive while I work (ahem, blog).

I have a good feeling about this Cycle. Not as in, good feeling that I will get pregnant, because really, who knows? But a good feeling as in, I think my body is starting to regulate itself to pre-birth control womanly-ness. Granted, I don't really know for sure yet. But I'm on CD13 and I have EWCM and, well, without divulging too many personal details about my body, it just feels like I'm going to ovulate in the next few days. Of course, it felt like that last month too and then I ovulated two weeks later on CD24. BUT the point is that I just feel like it's happening and I'm getting back to normal. It's kind of nice to know that my body is just doing its thing.

So, that's my up some soup and letting my body cook up its own little magic.

p.s. I apologize for my excessive use of commas, ellipses, hyphens and parentheses. My grammar is atrocious, my writing is elusively circular, and sadly, this is how I actually think inside my head......ellipses and all.

Things OTHER Than This

How's everyone been? I haven't posted in a few days, because well, I've been thinking of things other than trying to make a baby. I've just been caught up in life. Which is a good thing. Because while I'm not thinking about it, my body is still trying to do what it needs to to make a baby. I'm on CD12, by the way, and things seem to be going very similarly to last cycle. So, while I go on with life, my body (hopefully) is setting things up to do what it needs to do.

So what HAVE I been doing since I last posted?

Trying to Stay Dry for's been raining here for the past few days.

Working...a LOT

Having a much-need spa day....seriously, a full half of a day. I feel ten years younger.

Celebrating a friend's birthday party with drinks at at bar. The bartender made me a real "James Bond Martini." It knocked me out.

Playing with my dog.
(This photo IS actually my dog)

Spending quality time with my husband.
(This is NOT actually us)

Oh, and eating some good Mexican food!
(yes, this is ACTUALLY my food).


What have YOU been up to??

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Caffeine-Infused Blogging

I've been thinking about what this blog is about. Originally I wanted to start it so I could document my thoughts during this journey to becoming a mother. Specifically, because I don't want to overwhelm the few friends and family who know I'm trying and don't want to tell everyone else, I needed a place to just write it all down. The excitement, silliness, obsessiveness, craziness, and just general emotionality. I envisioned the blog starting prior to actually trying to conceive and then moving into "making a baby stage" and then pregnancy and then finally trickling into motherhood.

Isn't this what everyone envisions when they start their blog?

But now, I'm starting to read more on the TTC forums and researching others' TTC blogs and I realize the majority of people are not just TTC, but dealing with infertility. This is weird for me, because, as far as I know (*knock on every wooden surface possible*), I won't have problems getting pregnant. But, because I am reading so much about other people's struggles, it leaves me feeling weird when I think things like "Oh, it's a good thing I wasn't pregnant for Thanksgiving so I could drink exorbitant amounts of wine." Hmm. Kinda makes me sound like a shallow jerk, doesn't it? Or, less shallow, and more true, I have had conversations with my husband about how we actually are ok with this taking a few months because we feel so connected and close right now while we're trying to make a baby.

The truth is, I don't want to feel guilty or superstitious or shallow for having the thoughts I'm having. Every woman's journey is different and this is MY journey. Who knows where I'll be in this journey in six months. Pregnant? About to call my doctor? Right where I am now? Who really knows? But right now, where I am right this second, I want to be honest about what I'm feeling.

So, disclaimer to anyone reading this blog should I say something that sounds callous or insensitive. Believe me, I don't mean it that way. I'm just talking about myself, and where I am, right now, on November 27th, 2012. And that is what I want my blog to be about. So I'm going to be careful to not get derailed from what I want to write about. Hopefully it will be helpful or interesting to some people. But mostly, I hope it's helpful to me.

Soooo....that weird rant being said (I think I was lecturing myself....), where AM I today on November 27th? Physically, I'm sitting at my desk avoiding large amounts of paperwork by writing a blog entry. Mentally, I'm planning our Christmas road trip and dreaming about packing up and leaving. Emotionally, I am vacillating between overwhelming stress from work and positive contentment in my personal life. Cycle wise, I'm on CD8, which as I mentioned before, is not as exciting as CD8 the first time around. I'm hoping I ovulate earlier this month so it will be a shorter cycle. But in the meantime, I'm enjoying the pre-ovulation freedom and the pre-ovulation libido increase. Ha. No wonder my husband and I are so close right now!

Anyhow, signing off to get some actual work done.

p.s. Enjoying some Apple Cider Black Tea from Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. Delicious way to get in my morning caffeine!

Monday, November 26, 2012

Tech Savvy?

Ok, second post of the day, just to announce that I think I figured out how to put a Follow button on my page. Since when was this all so complicated? Since Google+ started infiltrating the entire Internet, that's when. I could write an entire entry (RANT) about Google+. But....I won't.

Long story short, I think I effectively added some kind of Follow Button. Let me know if it works. Preferably, by Following Me.

This was accomplished with the help of my computer-programmer-software-developer husband, who stared at me the whole time with a look of bewilderment and amusement as if he found the whole thing cute.

Cute. Hmmm.


Magic Number 31

I realized today that I will be 31 when I get pregnant. No matter when it happens (and this is assuming it will happen in the next 12 months), when I get pregnant I will be 31. My birthday is on December 8th and so it's now unavoidable. I know that's not a big deal and it's just a number, but it just kind of shook me a little. Probably mostly because I won't be 30 anymore.

When I turned 30, I was so happy. I didn't feel upset about getting older, because I was (AM) so happy with where I was in my life. I love my marriage, love my career, love my house, love my pets, and love who I have become. I'm happy with the fact that I've traveled to seven countries, can speak Spanish fluently, do a job that is meaningful, and have a future that I look forward to. Now, turning 31, none of that has changed. All is still true. The only difference is, I definitely feel ready to have a family.

Last night, after my family left, my husband told me that he used to get sad when guests left, but now he doesn't really get affected by people leaving, because he feels that our life is so complete. I completely understand what he means. I told him that we are so stable and happy that it just makes sense to be bringing a baby into our family.

This is getting pretty sappy, isn't it? Oh well. I guess the point is, getting pregnant at age 31 isn't so bad. It took us awhile to get where we are today and the timing is just right. But here's hoping it won't be "pregnant at 32." Hmm...if I get pregnant in the next 3 months, I could say "gave birth at age 31" instead of 32. Fingers Crossed....

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Sunday Gloom

Sunday nights have always been hard for me. I don’t like the gearing up for another week, the nagging guilt over things left undone, and the anxiety about the upcoming week. Although I’ve gotten better at dealing with Sundays and can usually avoid the Sunday gloom nowadays, it still creeps in sometimes. Especially on days like today. A four day weekend of spending time with family, enjoying company, utter and pure relaxation. And now? Family’s gone home and I’m settling back into routine. Back to a list of things that will be impossible to complete in just five days. Yuck. Not only that, but I’m sitting amongst the debris of a holiday weekend that I really need to get up and take care of. (aka, my house is a damn mess.)

Also, back to cycling. I’m on CD6 of Cycle 2. Somehow, it’s not as exciting as CD6 of Cycle 1. Ha. The first time, every thing about this was exciting. Now I know that nothing much will be happening for at least a week. So, I’m just kind of…waiting.

So basically, I’m just stuck in the Sunday gloom. I’ll be fine tomorrow. Will feel better to get back to work, but in the meantime, here I am.

On a more positive note, it was a nice Thanksgiving. We made a ton of food, shared the meal with a group of ten close friends and family, enjoyed a lot of good wine, and basically just got to spend time with my family. We watched the last Twilight movie. One of those things…once you’ve watched one, you just can’t stop. I actually kind of enjoyed it (don’t tell anyone!).

How was everyone else’s break? Anyone else fighting Sunday doldrums? Anyone have a remedy besides a big glass of wine?

Update: After I wrote this blog, I went into bed and snuggled and laughed and played with my husband and just enjoyed having our house back to ourselves. Then I took a hot bath, starting reading On The Road by Jack Kerouac (prepping for the movie!) and sipped a glass of wine. Life is good now. All is right.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Is Anybody Out There?

Hey, so people are starting to visit my blog fairly regularly. Note that I say "visit." I can track how many people came here, but no idea if anyone actually reads it. But, aside from a couple of new friends (Thanks girls!), no one has been brave enough to leave comments yet. So...I'm just curious...."Is Anybody Out There???"

If you're out there and reading this on the day before Thanksgiving, why don't you leave a comment to let me know you're alive? Let us all know what your plans are for tomorrow? Will you have a big feast? Will it be with friends or family? What is your favorite part of the meal?

I don't have much time to write today (feverishly trying to get my work done so I can leave work early today), but I'll start you off:

My husband and I are hosting Thanksgiving. It's starting to become a bit of tradition. My mom, aunt, and cousin flew in last night from Oregon. My sister, her roommate, and her sister's roommate will come over tomorrow for dinner. As will our best "couple friends" who are so close that they are basically family. We'll get up at a leisurely time (maybe 9:30 or 10:00ish?) and get the turkey on. Then we'll make a big breakfast together, just family. Then we'll all get a little crazy and cook a LOT. We won't eat until later, maybe 6:00ish?, and mostly the day will just be about hanging out together and eating and drinking.

Did I mention the up side of getting my period is I can drink really good wine?? Well, I could also drink bad wine, but I prefer to stay with the good stuff for Thanksgiving ;)

Anyhow, Happy Turkey Day to all of you and I hope to get some responses about your favorite part of the meal. Oh wait, I forgot to answer that part myself. Hmmm. Is it silly if I say my favorite part of the Thanksgiving dinner is the gravy?? :)


Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Putting Things In Perspective

So this post will kind of be two posts in one. One is an update on me and where I am in my cycle. The second is about a friend and where she is at in hers.

Post #1: CD1

So I woke up this morning and my temp had plummeted again, all the way down to the lowest pre-O temp. I went into the bathroom and yep, my period has arrived. I keep expecting to have some kind of strong emotional reaction to this, but really the only emotions I'm having are a tiny bit of disappointment, a sense of relief (because of the surgery), and excitement. Excitement because I feel like Cycle 1 was kind of a bust due to having the surgery at 3DPO and now for Cycle 2 and I get to start fresh. Maybe get a Christmas positive pregnancy? Also, on a selfish note, excitement because I can enjoy drinking good wine and food during Thanksgiving this week :)

So for my first cycle off birth control, here's my stats:

35 Days Total.
Ovulation: CD24.
Luteal Phase: 11 Days (started AF on LP12).

Overall, I don't think its too bad considering it's my first natural cycle off birth control in 13 years. Would I like it change somewhat? Sure, I would love to ovulate earlier and I'm a little worried about my luteal phase length. Does anyone know if this may get longer as my body regulates itself more? I know less than 10 is considered worrisome, but how about 11? I'd be happier with 12+....

So that's me. Starting fresh. Back to day one. You can bet I will be welcoming in Cycle 2 with a glass of wine tonight :)

Post #2: 9 Flowers

The second post is for my friend. While I am just starting Cycle 2, she is on 2 years of trying and fighting a variety of infertility-related diagnoses. I mentioned her earlier in a post and her story just continues to amaze me. Watching her struggle with this, watching her grace and strength as she and her husband try to make difficult decisions and is powerful. I know that her story may seem no different (and yet it is unique) than many of the other women on infertility blogs and forums, but it is closer to me and therefore more present for me.

So why am I posting about this today?

Well, this month is her first cycle of IVF. She will be having egg retrieval next Monday and is going through more than I can imagine this week. So yesterday I received a group email from her to all of her friends, asking us to make a bouquet of 9 flowers, to represent her 9 follicles that she is attempting to grow. She admitted it seems a little cheesy, but asked us all to watch the flowers and think of her. I thought it was really, really sweet.

When I emailed her the photo of my flowers, I admitted to her that I had cheated somewhat and recycled flowers from all of the bouquets I received after surgery (Hey, you guys know how busy I am!). But I actually kind of like the idea of sharing love and combining flowers from different bunches to make a special one just for her.

So, here you go. If anyone wants to send some thoughts out for these little blooms, I'm sure it would be appreciated.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Hey, Calm Down!!

I'm a bit of an emotional wreck today. I don't know if it's from the stress of a work-filled weekend followed by three 12-hour workdays stretching out in front of me or the roller coaster of still recovering from my surgery or if it's just PMS starting. I have been on the pill for 13 years, so I don't know how much I can gauge my typical PMS-symptoms off of those 13 years, but what I've experienced today is pretty typical of about 2-3 days before starting my period. I'm having dull, barely-noticeable cramps, anxiety/mood swings since yesterday, and I had EWCM today (yes this was typical for me even on the pill, just a few days before AF). Oh, and my temperature, which has been slowly dropping over the past few days, took a nosedive today.

So, I think that's it. Honestly, it would be a bit of a relief. I told my husband last night that if I find out I'm pregnant in this cycle I will have 9 months of worrying about whether the surgery had negative effects. I would seriously rather just wait a cycle and try again than have to go through that.

In the meantime, I have to get through the next three days. I work from 8am to 8pm (plus commute time) today *insert whiny moan here* and then two more long days tomorrow and Wednesday. When I get home tonight I have to clean up my house because my family gets in tomorrow for the Holiday. I'm totally looking forward to seeing them, but feel bitter that, because of taking time off last week, I won't be able to spend time with them until Thursday.

I wish I could practice what I preach and use some coping skills or mindfulness to decrease my anxiety. I feel like something is hanging over my I'm forgetting to do something...or something bad is about to happen. I guess that's the definition of free-floating anxiety, hey? But damn, it sucks. Ok, here's my plan: Get through the next 7 hours at work ( 7 hours?!? ), drive home while listening to relaxation music on Pandora, make a simple, no-cooking dinner for my poor, sick husband and I, and then put on some Xmas music while I clean my house and hang some Xmas decorations in an attempt to be festive. Good am I going to manage it without breaking down?

Step 1 - deep, diaphragmatic breathing.

Ok, somewhat better.

Step 2, remind myself that it's only three days and, as my husband always says, you can do anything for just a short period of time. After that, Thanksgiving, family and good food!

Yes, good point.

Step 3, get my ass to work and stop writing this blog about how anxious I am because I'm behind on my work!!

Wow, ok.....

Oh, and here's a little relaxation recommendation for all of you (mostly for me): check out this website at You can pick your own relaxation scene at the bottom of the page and select a mini-relaxation session of 2 minutes or go for the whole 10 minutes (yeah, right, who has time???). I like the site, but it makes me a little sad to realize that other countries, other lifestyles, other cultures have actual built in down-time where you look at actual nature, not just a computer screen. Oh well, this'll do for now.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Sticky Fingers

So I bought a pregnancy test today. This is the first time I bought one while actually hoping to be pregnant. The funny part is, I realized why everyone likes to order their tests online. Holy shit, why do they have to make buying a pregnancy test such a humiliating experience? I walked into the store and realized that all of the pregnancy tests are stored in giant, shiny, plastic boxes the size of shoe boxes. Right next to the super-ribbed, extra large condoms that are also in giant plastic shoe boxes. So, your only choice is to take one of those giant boxes and carry it around the store until you get to the check out aisle where the clerk can't just pretend she doesn't notice what you're buying, because she has to set it aside while she rings up the rest of your groceries and then get out the special key to open the treasure box, ALL so you can have your pregnancy test. WOW.

All I can say is, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, kind lady at the check out stand who did not make a cheesy joke about "Oh boy, I don't know whether to wish you luck or congratulate you" or "Does your husband know?" or "Ohhhh a bun in the oven??"

I tried to think about why I, a successful, Ph.D.-educated, married woman is embarrassed to buy a pregnancy test? I mean, there is nothing wrong with buying a pregnancy test. In fact, it should be exciting and wonderful, right? I guess it's just because buying a pregnancy test is a personal thing. Making a baby is a personal thing. How you make a baby is a personal thing! So, having to announce to the world (ok, not the world, just the check-out lady, bag boy, and 2 or 3 people in line behind you) that you are hoping (or fearing) you may be pregnant is not exactly my favorite thing.

I guess there's a reason both the pregnancy tests and condoms are locked up, huh?

Wait. Did I just compare myself to teenage kids who steal condoms out of embarrassment??

Annnnnyhow, back to being a 30-year-old grown-up. The point is, I bought a test. A 2 for 1. That means I have two chances to test. As mentioned in my previous post, I am going to try to stay with my more rational side and not start testing tomorrow at 10 DPO. My goal is to test on Thanksgiving morning. If that is negative, I will test again on Friday....

This is the kind I bought. Is the digital one good? Everyone on the forums seems to always be squinting to look for barely-there lines. I'd rather just be sure. What's the catch? The cost? Because I can definitely see the cost as a major drawback. Damn. I see why people buy those dollar store tests....

Friday, November 16, 2012

The Statistics of Princesses

Ok, so I apologize to the small number of people who may be reading this (IS anyone reading this??) who were subjected to my pitiful whining last night. Basically, I had a hard day and was feeling stressed, tired and lonely.

Today I went back to work for a few hours and then for a follow up appointment to get my stitches out. It felt good to get back to work. It also felt good to have the stitches out. Like everything is back to normal.

I also started to get secretly hopeful again about maybe the surgery didn't ruin our chances this month. I'm at 8DPO and I had a drop in my temps today. Possibly implantation?

Ha. I have to laugh at myself. Researching all of this stuff has included a mixture of reading forums and reading actually scholarly articles. It's almost like it represents two different sides of me. The side of me that has a doctorate and believes in randomly controlled trials realizes that there is very likely no such thing as an implantation dip. It's an illusory correlation. Some women get a dip in their temperature halfway through their luteal phase. Of those women who get a dip, some of them get pregnant. Some of them don't. Obviously the predictive validity here is pretty low. In lay man's terms, it's just a damn coincidence.

But the part of me that likes to be hopeful and optimistic and excited likes to read the forums and buy into urban legends. Like, when my FF app says to me "You are at 8DPO, you may experience an implantation dip today" and HOly Shit, I DO experience a dip...well that is just freakin' exciting. This is the same part of me that wants to buy into the whole "hmmm maybe I should pee on a pregnancy test in a couple of days because there is a less than 10% chance it COULD tell me something super early!!" Ha. The researcher in me has read the studies and knows that the majority of women are just wasting their time peeing on anything before 14DPO. I mean really, you might as well draw some lines on a tongue depressor and pee on that. But the Rapunzel-in-a-Turret side of me whispers, "Oh go on...pee on a might be in the 10%!!"

Well, tiny group of readers, what kind of person are YOU? A researcher who looks at facts? Or a princess in a tower, dreaming of a Happily Ever After?

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Self-Pity Moment

Second update of the day. My stomach hurts where I used to have an appendix. I feel lonely and stressed. I really don't want to go back to work tomorrow. Whine, whine, whine. Speaking of wine, why can't I have any again???

Waiting 'Til Turkey Day

So I think in an earlier thread that I mentioned I am an impatient person? Well, this week has convinced me that is true. I thought that I would love having four forced days off work to just sit and do nothing. The first two days were ok, but yesterday I started to get emotional and antsy and then today I have been a complete wreck.

I think the reason I’ve been such a disaster today is because taking four days off work will have maaajor repercussions for me when I go back tomorrow. Each day I take off equals multiple hours behind. I’m trying to figure out how to be more zen about it. I mean really, I had an operation…I shouldn’t be so stressed about missing some work, right? But ughhh, it’s amazing how much it piles up. Not to mention, with a job like mine, there are people counting on me and when I’m not there…well, anyhow.

I’m going back to work tomorrow and then I’ll leave a little early to get my stitches out. I guess after that, I’m back to real life? Yuck.

I’ve decided to write myself off mentally for this cycle. The chances that I could conceive through all that seem to be extremely minimal. The stupid thing is, according to Dr. Google, it is still possible I could get pregnant. That means abstaining from alcohol while my family is here next week for Thanksgiving? Argh. I don't mind abstaining for a baby, but abstaining for a tiny negligible chance I could be pregnant? That’s hard. I think I’ve decided to take a pregnancy test on Thanksgiving. I’ll be at 14 DPO and so something would hopefully show up then. I don’t even know if I’ll tell my husband I’m taking it. I feel like he and I were so connected on this before the surgery, but now whenever I bring it up, he just tells me not to stress over it.

*Sigh* I guess the good thing about all this is that there really is no crazy-symptom-spotting. As in, did my right eyelid just flutter??? Because, any weird feelings I am having I’m just attributing to the fact that I just had a major organ cut out of my stomach. I mean, twinges in my stomach? Yeah, probably has to do with the missing appendix. Fatigue? Yep, probably has to do with the anesthesia. See how this goes?

So, I guess, here’s waiting ‘till Turkey Day.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Counting Eggs Before They Hatch

I'm realizing that the impact of this surgery on my mental state is that I'm feeling sad, worried, and impatient during this weird "two week wait" that doesn't really feel like a two week wait. The way I see it, there are only a few options and most of them aren't great:

1) I'm not pregnant. I never was pregnant. I didn't conceive and so there really is no reason to worry at all. I feel fine about this option. If I never was pregnant, then I didn't lose anything, I didn't cause any harm by having this surgery, and nothing has really changed. With this option, there is no guilt, no loss, no sadness, and no anxiety.

2) I was "pregnant" (can you say pregnant if its three days after conception??) and the surgery will impact such that the egg never implants and never becomes a true pregnancy. This option is sad. There's no real "guilt" in the traditional sense of the word, because obviously it was something completely out of my control but there is a nagging feeling of sadness that an "almost" was lost. I suppose the good thing about is is there is no way to distinguish between Option 1 and Option 2.

3) I am still "pregnant" and the medications and anesthesia negatively impacted the baby in some way. This option is tragic. Tragically sad. Not only would it have long-term consequences but I would definitely feel guilt (however irrational that would be).
Basically Option #3 is the worst option.

4) I am still "pregnant" and there are no consequences at all because the egg had not even implanted yet and so none of the medication could impact it at all. Obviously Option #4 is the best option.

Sooo, right now I'm mostly feeling sad and impatient. Sad that this two week wait is likely not a two week "wait" but just a two week "nothing." And because of that, I'm just impatient to get my period and start over again.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

A "Minor" Interruption

Ok, well, I have a lot to share. First of all, unrelated to TTC, I attended my husband’s first-ever company holiday party for his growing software development company. The party was held on a 3-story boat and it was so beautiful and just perfect. My husband gave a beautiful speech to all of his employees and thanked them and then he thanked me too. It was just such an amazing night and I was so proud of him and couldn’t stop smiling.

Unfortunately, while we were on the boat, I started to have a burning, aching pain in my upper stomach and back. I just thought I must be getting seasick or something but it progressively got worse. That night, I went back and forth between laying on the bathroom floor and pathetically crying/moaning/groaning and throwing up over and over. The next day, the pain had changed and dropped down low in my belly. It hurt to walk and felt like a tugging, ripping feeling. Of course, my husband started asking if I was pregnant and I said there was no way I would have such severe symptoms at 3DPO.

So I sat around all day, trying not to move a lot. But around 5:30, knowing I had to work a 12-hour shift the next day at work, I looked at my husband and asked him to take me to Urgent Care. I thought, well, maybe they can give me some good meds to get me through the work day.

Not quite. The pretty little doctor listened to my symptoms and got this big, doe-like eyes and said “I am very worried about you. You need to go to the ER right now.”

Oh, and she took a pregnancy test. Negative. (Obviously, just 3 days post ovulation!)

So my husband and I debated whether I really needed to go to the ER. I mean, seriously? It was just a stomach ache! But, as he pointed out, when a doctor tells you to go “quickly” to the Emergency Room, you probably shouldn’t argue.

Once at the ER, they through out the words Ectopic Pregnancy, Gall Stones, Appendicitis, and a lot of other scary words. They did another pregnancy test (negative – I kept telling them that there was no way it would show up on a urine test at just 3 days post O, but I guess they didn’t trust my charting abilities! – Ha!) and then did a CT to check my appendix.

In walks the Doctor.

Doctor: “Ok, well, it looks like we’re going to take your appendix out tonight. The surgeon should be here shortly and you should be in surgery in just under 30 mins.”


One thing you should know about me: I am a fairly healthy (and lucky) person. I have never had any medical problems, don’t routinely have to go to the doctor, and have never, ever had any kind of surgery. Not even dental surgery. As a result, I am DEATHLY afraid of medical procedures, especially surgery. So I started stammering about how couldn’t it “just be a stomach virus?” and then started having a minor panic attack in the ER.

Long story short….they did the surgery. Everything went fine. It was much, much easier than I expected (the whole thing was done laproscopically) and they sent me home the next morning.

BUT the unfortunate, tragic part of this whole ordeal is that it happened in my very first cycle of TTC. Remember how close and connected I had been feeling with my husband? We had just had a wonderful feeling knowing I “could be pregnant” and had felt so excited and happy. Now I feel like, no way could implantation happen after a surgery and anesthesia, and even worse, if it did actually happen, what would it do to the baby?? Ugh. So, aside from the surgery and recovery, I also feel a little bit like a balloon with the air let out of it. Like I was so happy and excited and now just…deflated.

It’s silly I know, because it’s just the very first month. And it’s not like *knock on every type of wood surface imaginable* this type of thing will happen every cycle. It’s just a fluke occurrence. But that doesn’t make me feel good about it.

Oh and how are my husband and I doing? He’s exhausted from taking care of me and is trying to catch up on lost time at work. The rosy feeling seems to have left the building for the day. Poor guy.


Post Script: On a funny note, everyone (doctors, nurses, surgeons, etc) kept asking me when The First Day of My Last Cycle was. And, as I mentioned in my previous post, it was the first time in my life I was able to easily answer that question without staring blankly and showing how little attention I pay to my body. Ha.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Waiting Begins....

Well, I'd been suspecting for two days now and then FF confirmed this morning: I ovulated!

It feels like it was a long month building up to this. I officially ovulated on CD 24, which is technically considered "late ovulation," but for my very first cycle off birth control, it seems pretty damn good to me. I feel like I joined some kind of club of womanhood, or "Women Who Ovulate." After being on birth control, each step of this cycle has been surprising and exciting to me.

And the best part is, it has brought me closer together with my husband. We've both been so close and felt so connected, it's been wonderful. In a way, I think we both saw trying to have a baby as a much stronger commitment to one another than getting married was. Neither of us wants to have our children experience a divorce, and so having a child together is the real deal. Much easier to separate two adults than to separate a family. Coming to this decision was a hard one, but, in this first month of trying, we talked about how absolutely amazing it was and how happy we both felt.

And so now, the waiting begins.... :)

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Rainy Day Descanso

My job has been crazy busy lately. I actually like the busyness. I thrive on bouncing from one thing to the next. The only problem is, it doesn't leave any time to catch up on paperwork, phone calls, and other hubris that keeps accumulating. Also, it tires me the hell out. I've been working 12 hour days for the past two weeks. Barely time to talk to my husband at night before it's time to go to bed.

But today I had a reprieve. I have switched my work schedule so I now get Thursdays off (plus the usual Saturday and Sunday). What a luxury! Granted, it means I have to fit 40 hours into 4 days, but I was doing that already!

So how did I spend my first Thursday mini-vacation? I slept in, ran some errands, went for a riding lesson, came home, read a book, drank a beer, and now I'm going to go out for a going-away dinner with some close friends. Ahhhhh. Very, very nice. To top it all off, it was a dark, rainy day (as you can see in the picture) and so everything felt cozy. I turned on the heat for the first time this year (yes, we use heat in Southern California) and I'm curled up on the chaise lounge, drinking my beer and wearing my Ugg boots as I write this. Nice.

In terms of TTC, I feel like things have calmed down a lot. I'm still temping and charting, but not really worried. I'm having a lot of symptoms - cramping in my stomach, sensitive breasts, etc, etc, but no changes yet in my temps. So, I'm just... waiting. At first I was really anxious trying to figure it all out. But now I realized, I'm enjoying this time with my husband and connecting with him in a really intimate, exciting way and I'm ok if I don't get pregnant right away.

Hmm. After I wrote that I had two instant reactions. First, it seems awful to say that when I know there are so many women out there battling infertility that would probably be shocked or hurt or...something to hear me say I'm in no big hurry. But, I hope that they would understand that I am just saying, this will happen when it happens and I'm enjoying the journey to get there. My second reaction was a little more is a little more irrational: I freaked out that I might jinx myself by saying I'm in no hurry. Ha! Superstitious, much?

On an unrelated note, here is a cute Instagram I clicked of a little pony at the barn enjoying the cool, rainy day. He kept chasing the other horses around and squealing like a naughty little boy. I told him he would get himself in trouble, and eventually, he did. He ran so fast on the slick mud that his feet went right out from under him and he fell over. Wish I had gotten a shot of that! But then he got right back up and started causing trouble again. Ha!

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Cheers, Obama

I spent the evening with my husband, sister and her boyfriend, toasting the election results at a wine bar near our house. Nice night if I do say so myself.

Oh, and I was inwardly cringing in pain from knife-life stabbing pains in my lower left abdomen that I am hoping are ovulation pains and not the beginning of appendicitis. We'll see tomorrow I guess!

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Balancing Act

So here's what I did today.

I went with my friend and her daughters to an equestrian vaulting workshop. So random and so fun. It was good to do something totally unrelated to work or thinking about TTC. I focused just on myself and learning something new and entirely out of my comfort zone. Aka, standing up on a moving horse. I was surprised how difficult it was!

Here's a recap: We started with some limbering exercises where I proved how incapable I am at touching my own toes. Seriously. Then we practiced doing lifts and jumps onto a pommel horse. Again, it seemed a little too-gymnastic-like for my unlimber body. I mean, they wanted us to hold ourselves up with our arms and do kicks in the air behind us? I can't even do yoga! Wow....Then we started doing yoga positions on a moving horse. At this point, I feel a little more secure, because at least I am comfortable on a horse's back. But then...we practiced standing up. And I realized how scared I was of falling. Funny because I haven't felt afraid like that on a horse's back in sometime. I had to trust my body, trust the horse, and relax my muscles in order to move with the horse. Only when I trusted my body, relaxed, and let go, could I stand up. (Hmmm. Sound like a good message for those who are trying to get pregnant??) At the end of the day, we took turns riding the horse bareback on the lounge line, with arms out in the hair like wings. This is something I used to do when I was learning to ride as a little girl. For some of the adults in the clinic, this was scary and hard. For me, it was like being free.

Anyhow, it was nice because I didn't think at all today about what cycle day I am on or wonder about the future. I was just in the moment. Which, no matter what is going on in your life, is always a good thing.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Just Waiting....

So I'm now on CD 19 and waiting to ovulate for the first time off of birth control. I've had some signs that things are happening, but then my temperatures are up and down in such a consistent manner that it really doesn't seem like anything is going to shift.

I started to get a bit impatient about it and then I realized how irrational that is. My body just needs time to readjust after birth control. What made me think my body would just say, "Ok great, so I will adhere to a perfect 28 day cycle after you put random amounts of hormones into me for 13 years? No Problem." The other irrational part is just the fact that I'm even getting impatient. Seriously? Having a baby is a big deal. There is no need to rush it. Both my husband and I will be just fine with a few more months of not-yet-being-parents.

I think part of the problem is I've never really been that great at waiting for anything. It's just never been one of my strong suits. I can hardly wait for the tea kettle to whistle without getting bored or antsy. So, in a way, this is just a way of telling me to chill out and relax. It's only been 19 days. I'm not even outside a "normal" range of ovulation. So just CHILL!

Besides, each day that I haven't ovulated means another day I can guiltlessly indulge in a glass of wine. :)

Sunday, October 28, 2012

These Are A Few of My Favorite Things...

A lot of people talk about getting pregnant and how hard it is to lose your pre-pregnant body shape. I'm sure when I'm on the other side of this I will miss my body and be depressed about my new shape and new stretch marks. But really, I'm not that worried about it. There a lot of things women have to give up in order to actually carry a baby. It's a distinction between the sexes. We give up a lot more than men, in my humble opinion. But so many women do it knowingly and willingly.

For me, I knew I was ready to start trying when I realized I was wiling to sacrifice somewhat in my career. I've always been so driven by my academic goals (to get a Ph.D) and my career goals. I've worked very hard to get where I am and I work very, very hard in my job. But, I realized that all of that was no longer my priority. I am more excited about the idea of sitting at home and watching my baby grow up. Now, don't get me wrong...I get sad about the idea of somehow "falling behind" or "missing out" on opportunities at work. And I by no means am planning on being a stay-at-home-mom, but I definitely can get on board with the idea of working part-time. An idea that, only a year ago, I would have scoffed at. Part-time? Me? My career is way too important for that! Not anymore. In fact, the idea of having a baby makes the annoyances of work seems so trivial.

So, if I'm not worried about getting fat or getting behind in my career, what, you may ask, am I sad about sacrificing?

Two very specific things.

Thing Number One:


Seriously, I know this will make me sound like I have a little bit of a problem, but I absolutely love wine. I love the smell of it, the taste of it, the act of opening a bottle and sharing it with someone...just the overall experience of wine. It is a hobby for me, a pleasure, and something I share with my husband and friends. Not only that, it helps me to relax, damnnit! Soooo without wine, I will miss out on my evening ritual to calm down after a difficult day at work. I will miss out on participating in a large portion of social events with my friends. And I will miss the experience of sharing a bottle of wine with my husband on a Friday night. *sigh*

Thing Number Two:

Horseback riding. I have ridden my entire life and currently ride Dressage (you know, where the horses dance around prettily like in the Olympics?) at least once or twice a week. It is another stress relief and major hobby for me. At one point in my life, it was more than a hobby, but now, it's just something I enjoy doing. Some women choose to ride throughout their entire pregnancy. Some ride through the first trimester. But really, it's just too dangerous for me to consider it. The movement itself can cause placental abruption and then, if you fall, well...not likely to end well. And yeah, yeah...I haven't fallen in years (knock on wood), but the point is, with horses, you can never be 100% sure. And so yes, some women choose to keep riding. But then again, some women also choose to keep drinking wine.

What will you miss?

Friday, October 26, 2012

"When was the..."

"When was the first day of your last menstrual cycle?"

As long as I've been going for annual pap smears, that has been the hardest question in the world for me to answer. I usually stare blankly at the nurse and emit an intelligent-sounding noise like, "Uhhh...." Then I just arbitrarily pick a date a few weeks ago. Seriously. I have never had any idea as to the answer that question, besides, "uhhhh.....whenever my birth control placebos started last?"

So, if anything, at least now I will be able to answer that question!


Thursday, October 25, 2012

Caution: You Could Get Pregnant If You Proceed

I had an epiphany last night: I am having unprotected sex! Oh shit! I could get pregnant! What the hell am I thinking????

Anyone else ever had this oh-so-important epiphany?

Haha, but no, seriously. One thing you should know about me is that every since I went to grad school I have been converted into a "researcher." I love to have some sort of project that I am researching and learning more about. For example, when we went to Argentina, I researched the hell out of that trip. So much so that I was a walking guidebook for my husband and our friends.

My friend: "Hmm I could definitely go for some ice cream right now." Me: "Actually, Argentina is known for its ice cream. It is similar to gelatto, but not quite. In fact, if we walk two more blocks and take a right we will run into a wonderful little heladeria..."


My husband: "I wonder what the temperature will be like when we get to Mendoza?" Me: "Actually, the climate this time of year is extremely hot, due to the fact that it is their summer right now. We should probably all wear shorts."

You get the idea??

Soooo when it came time to "making a baby," I researched that too. Way too much. So now I can't stop thinking about it. I also have this bad habit of wanting to do everything just "perfectly" or "just right." So of course, the more I knew about baby-making, the better job I could do at it. Now here I am, armed with a ton of overly scientific knowledge about how babies are made (which I now realize I probably should have known before age 30!), and I am set to do it right.

But then....*BAM!* Last night after, well, trying to make a baby, I realized, "What the hell did I just do? I could get pregnant!!!" Ha. Duh. Now, don't take me wrong, I have done a lot of soul searching and had a lot of deep, difficult conversations with my husband about this. I know (as much as I can) what I am getting into and I am as ready as I can be. But I still think that my methodical researching this to death syndrome has kept me somewhat removed from the fact that my entire body, world, career, relationship, LIFE will (*fx*) soon change. And for some reason, last night, it all came shockingly, excitingly crashing into me.

Holy shit.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

The Pot Calling the Kettle

So being the dorky person that I am, I have researched this TTC stuff to the extreme. That means I have spent a lot of time lurking on forums. Wow, even the word "lurking" makes me sound like a super-creep. But I really have.

DISCLAIMER: If you somehow were directed here from a forum about TTC, please do not take offense at what I am about to say!!

But seriously people, spending so much time thinking about our own bodies can't be good for us. Before I joined your ranks, I read this forums and I thought "Are these women serious?" I mean, stop thinking that every time you sneeze or your left pinky toe itches, that means you could be pregnant.

Now, here I am on Day 8 of my very first cycle and I have officially plunged head first into a swamp of psychosomaticism. Without a life jacket.

How, you might ask, do I know that I've gone off the deep end? Because it is Day 8 and I am confused that I am having ovulation pain. Seriously? Ovulation pain was the one I used to scoff at the most. Did you really feel that or did you just eat a burrito? Ha.

But, I take it back. I apologize for all of the times I rolled my eyes and sighed dramatically at the overexaggerated attention to every little symptom. It's really too difficult not to join in. Sadly, I can understand this phenomenon from a psychological perspective. Listen close. We're not crazy. The mind and the body are strongly connected. If you wanted to feel ovulation pain, you probably are feeling ovulation pain. If you want to have sore boobs, then sore they will be. Because you're mind tells your mind that it is happening and so you interpret that it accordingly. We can even cause the sensations to really be happening.

What we can't cause is a pregnancy borne out of willing it to happen.

So, I am going to mentally shake myself a little bit and go do something more productive. Like, watch America's Next Top Model.