Thursday, October 18, 2012


Well, now I can officially say I am on CD 3. Hooray! I feel like I joined some type of club. How exciting. I'm embarrassed to write this, but the whole point of this blog was to be able to write my nerdy, obsessive little thoughts, right? So here goes: I am so excited about all of this that I actually get excited to wake up in the morning to take my temperature. I can't be the only one who feels this way....right? Ha. Anyhow, I've become an addict at looking at my FF app, as if that will make the time pass quicker and give me some clues as to what the future holds. Yeah right.

Aside from this obvious excitement, this weekend is also a bit of a milestone for me. My husband and I are going away for a wine tasting weekend. We planned this weekend exactly three months ago with two other couples, just because the six of us love wine. Later, when I looked at my birth control packs and counted ahead, I realized that this trip would fall right after I finished my last pack. This happened when I was trying to decide when to start trying and whether to refill my prescription for more birth control. Well, this just seemed like too much of a sign. A weekend away drinking wine before I settle down to baby-making? Must be made to be :) So this weekend will find me, sitting in the sunshine, toasting to my friends and having a great time. Only my husband and I will know this is a little bit of a "bachelorette party" for my womb. Enjoy the vino, body, because I'm going to miss it!

Another oddly-timed event is that I went to dinner with a friend last night. A friend I haven't seen in six months. This friend also happens to be the friend I referred to earlier who has been having fertility problems for the last 2.5 years. So I sat with her in a Japanese restaurant, awkwardly trying to spear food with chopsticks and still express the shock and amazement at her story. I was amazed by her courage, the pure bad luck, the pain (physical and emotional) and the anxiety of her story. I was also terrified.

At the end of the night, and after multiple comments from her about other friends and acquaintances who have gotten pregnant, I felt as if someone was poking me with a needle to say something. I mean, here I was, on Cycle Day 2 of my first cycle trying, and she is telling me about a close friend that she no longer talks to because she had a baby? (I mean, ok, there was more to the story and said friend had been a complete bitch, etc, etc, but STILL). So I said, awkwardly, something along the lines of, "You know, this is hard for me, because I am sitting here listening to this and feeling guilty about the fact that I will soon be trying to have kids myself and I feel so badly about that and don't want it to cause problems." Or something like that. But even less eloquent. She promptly, without even having to think about it, replied, "Don't worry about it. I know it's going to happen. Just don't surprise me. Like, tell me when you stop taking your birth control."


Me: "Ummmm...."

Her: "Oh, you've already stopped, huh?"

Me: (tiny lie) "Well, next month we're starting trying..."

How weird. Why did I lie? Why didn't I say yes? I mean, technically, it's true, we are going to be trying in November, since we're halfway through October, but what happened that I couldn't just say, "yes, I just started."

I don't know. But small white lie aside, it ended up being a great conversation and I was amazed by her openness and depth of understanding about where she is and how she has come to be where she is.

Cheers to my friend and other women out there in whatever stage of trying/waiting they may be. I will lift a glass of wine to you all this weekend.

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