Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Various and Sundry

No time for a real post today. I am buried in paperwork, late nights at work, and preparing for February (aka the month of houseguests and holiday weekends). I haven't thought much about this cycle. I'll just say, I'm on my fourth month of trying to get pregnant, currently on CD14 and really not giving much of a shit this month. I think I always had a secret thought that I would get pregnant in the first three months (I know, I know...) and so now I feel like I'm settling in and becoming a bit more calm about things.

Sooooo let me just update you with a few various and sundry things, in no particular order:
-I gave a presentation today, on Digital Ethics. I love presenting. In another life, I think I should have been a teacher.
-I got lost tonight on a dark street in a bad neighborhood. Wearing high heels and carrying my Marc Jacobs briefcase. A "nice" man tried to help me out. I was terrified and felt a little like Alicia Silverstone.
-Sangiovese is the same grape as Chianti. We're making friends this week.
-I'm listening to Flight Behavior on Audible, in my car. Did anyone ever read The Bean Trees?
-My husband booked our 120-lb German Shepherd an appointment at the doggie day spa today.
-My mom is coming to town on Friday. My sister and I are going down to San Diego with her for the weekend. Going to hit up Old Town for some margaritas.

That's it. Just some random stuff 'cus I miss all of you guys (I promise I am trying to catch up on your blogs!). I will leave you with this wonderful little photo story. Looks like we've all been doing it wrong!!

How to Make a Baby

Friday, January 25, 2013

Somewhere in the Middle

Yesterday I had a lunch with a co-worker from my previous job, the one I left about a year ago to come this new clinic. Afterwards, I stopped by my old work and said Hi to everyone. It was a weird experience, like going back in time. I left that job because I had been there for four years since completing my doctorate and licensure and was just ready for something new. Specifically, I wanted a larger setting, with more possible learning opportunities, chances for advancement, and just....something new. You have to leave the nest where you hatched, right? Also, my last job was fraught with a lot of drama and "over-supervising" employees.

And my new job? Well, it has a lot of what I was looking for. But it also comes with all of the downfalls of working in a large, bureaucratic hospital. I am "one among many." Not sure about those "advancement opportunities" because it's easy to get lost. I haven't made any friends here and I don't feel as energized by work anymore. But that is a good thing and a bad thing. Before, I used to go home and complain to my husband for hours about what so-and-so did at work or how I should have received more recognition for-this or-that, or can you believe they're asking me to do this-or-that? Now I go home and my husband asks me about work and I'm like "Meh. It was just work." It's not that I'm unhappy here, I'm just......not much. I mean, yes, I could also enumerate the positives of my new job (there are many), but the point is......I'm just not that excited about it.

So yesterday, when seeing all of my old friends/co-workers, I was forced to put on a big smile and talk about how great it all is and how happy I am with my decision. During lunch with my friend, I was more open. I shared the pluses and minuses and she listened and commiserated. Then she said, "Well, no job is perfect." Which I wholeheartedly agreed with. Then she moved on to tell me about what it's like to be a mother to her 15-month-old son. She told me about the two weeks over Christmas that she spent home alone with her son while her husband had to work and we both pondered what it would be like to NOT work. *GaSp* Two highly motivated career women, pondering NOT-working, as we chatted over our overly-priced, imported, organic brunch?? #firstworldproblems

It reminded me of a previous conversation with another friend. I had shared with her that I am trying to get pregnant (it just seemed unavoidable when we ended up at a wine bar during the TWW) and gave her just a tiny glimpse into what this is like for me right now. Then I transitioned into talking about work. I tried to muster up some enthusiasm (I swear there ARE good things about this job!!), but I got beaten down by tiredness and didn't do such a hot job. I said to her, "Isn't it sad that I studied for so long and I'm just not in love with working right now?" And she smiled and said, "But don't you think you're just ready to be a Mom now?"

A while back, that statement would have filled my feminist, driven little soul with derision and fear. What? My job isn't important because I am going to be a Mom? What?? Excuse me? But now, I totally get it. I think I'm not as inspired by work because I want to re-prioritize life. I mean, I want to care more about breastfeeding than about writing case notes. I want to wonder about sleep schedules instead of supervision schedules. Basically, I just am not finding the meaning that I need in my job anymore.

I know that life is cyclical and (hopefully) a few years from now I will think back on this moment and think how crazy I am. I will crave wearing my high heels and makeup to work and giving presentations (goddamnit, I have one to give in 15 minutes....in Spanish. why am I blogging instead of prepping??) and supervising people and etc etc. But right now I'm just tired of all of that. I want to hold a sleeping baby and look and her little lips. I want to look up at my husband in amazement that we made this. I want to be connected to something more real.

In a way, it's kind of refreshing to acknowledge that I can put down the pressure to DO SOMETHING with my career and BE SOMEONE and just.....be. Hopefully that ambitious side of me is ready to step gently aside when the time comes. In the meantime, I'll just keep hovering somewhere in the middle.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Eating Wednesday Healthily

Ok, so two weeks ago, I made a plan to document my adherence to eating "on point" (on Weight Watchers) on a once-a-week basis. Did any of you die-hard fans realize that I missed a week? What?? No?? Ha. Well, I missed it due to being sick all last week and stuck in my own little world of possibly-pregnant land. Thus, the lack of a food diary post correlates perfectly with my poor eating habits last week. The first week on WW I lost 2 lbs, then I prompted gained them back. Ooops.

So here we go again. However, it was a little harder this week. Due to previously mentioned reasons of being sick and semi-crazy last week, I didn't go shopping for healthy food. Which leaves me with minimal options. Minimal options usually means eating junk. Let's see how I did....

Breakfast. Hmm. A little bit of an indulgence. Nonfat Vanilla Latte from Coffee Bean (7 pts). 7 pts out of a total of 26 is a lot to spend on a coffee. But hey, I'm not a big breakfast person, it gives me a serving of dairy, and damnit, I had to work until 7pm tonight.

Lunch. Leftover Chinese Veggies and one cup of rice (8 pts). I could have probably just had a 1/2 cup of rice, but as I said, I love carbs!

Snacks (0pts). Some sad looking fruit here. Old grapes and semi-squashed blackberries. Oh well.

Dinner (11 pts). Boneless pork chop, garlic broccoli, and mashed "potatoes." The potatoes are really half potatoes and half cauliflower. It's seriously awesome......very buttery and nutty.

Not pictured....one point worth of peanut butter M&Ms :)

Bringing me to total of 26 pts for the day. Right on target. Which is good, because tomorrow I am going to a dinner theater magic show thing and who knows what I'll eat or drink there. That's why WW gives you weekly bonus points, right?

Anyhow, again, not sure if anyone really cares to know what I ate all day (I mean, unless you're a dietician or strangely obsessed with food), but this holds me accountable. So......enjoy!!

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Liebster Award (aka HUGE procrastination attempt)

First of all, thank you to dspence at Donating Hope for nominating me for a Liebster Award. I'm not going to lie...I've seen this award before on other peoples' pages, and it seems a bit like a Chain Letter. Do you guys remember those? I remember when they actually came in the mail and said things like "If you don't mail this to 50 people, a flower pot will fall on your head and you will die." Or something like that. Or the opposite "If you DO mail this to 50 people, you will miraculously get $50,000 back in the mail!" When I was a kid, I really believed these things. Despite my mother's attempts to convince me they weren't true, I agonized and agonized over them. But in the end, I never mailed them out. Because I'm not good at things like that.

Then they switched to emails. As in, "if you answer these questions and then forward them to 50 people, a little girl in a foreign country will be saved from eColi!" I can't remember if I did those either. Probably not. I'm pretty lazy.

So here I am with this Award. On one hand, it's an Award (yay! I rule) and on the other hand, a very sweet person nominated me for it. So I kinda feel like a shit not following through with it. Plus, you know, Karma and Flower Pots falling on my head and all...

So here we go! To the best of my knowledge, A Liebster Award is an award for up and coming (aka poor souls who don't have a lot of readers??) bloggers to increase traffic to their site (somehow??) and acknowledge their efforts to write an interesting blog. According to my "research," which was really just trolling over peoples' blogs, Liebster is German for "cool" or "sweet." Who knows if that's true. Maybe it really means "hamburger??" Anyhow, the deal is, I have to nominate 11 other bloggers who have less than 200 followers (200?? I think I have like 10), then I have to say 11 Things About Myself, then I have to answer 11 questions, THEN I have to write 11 questions for my nominees. Holy shit. In this time span, I could write a lot of case notes at work. Hmmm.

But I'm committed, damnit. All of my bad karma from not mailing out Chain Letters is about to be WASHED AWAY!!

So, here we go.

11 Things You Never Needed to Know About Me

1. I could survive solely on pasta for the rest of my life and be happy. Blame it on my Italian ancestry.
2. Hablo español. Algunos dias, lo hablo mejor que otros.
3. I suck at thinking of interesting things about myself. Because I'm actually pretty ordinary.
4. I have a bachelor's degree in Psychology, a bachelor's in Spanish, a master's in Clinical Psychology, and a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology. So, I guess I like school?
5. I love to travel. Every time I go somewhere new, it just makes me want to travel more.
6. I always type "reproted" instead of "reported." This comes up more than you would think, as in writing my clinical case notes..."Client reproted somatic symptoms of..." Ooops.
7. My dream is to move to Northern California (wine country of course!), build the house of our dreams, and own three horses.
8. Yay, I'm already at number 8?? Ok....how about this? I am not very good at tolerating uncertainty.
9. I have been told, in professional situations, that I am "too nice." My feminist friends tell me this is because women have been trained to not stand up for themselves and not create conflict. I think it comes from being raised by an ultra-polite mother.
10. I grew up in Northwestern Montana. Picture mountains, lakes, rivers, horses, deer, bears, and a lot of really conservative people.
11. NUMBER 11. I made it. Uh oh, pressure to think of something really interesting....How about this? My most embarrassing moment. I once got up in a Salsa bar in Mexico and danced with my husband in front of the whole bar. Later, the waitress passed me a note that my skirt was tucked into my underwear.

11 Questions About Me

1. What is your favorite stage production, musical, opera, or play?
Uh oh, not sure how to answer this. Because I LOVE the theater and plays, but haven't been to many really big productions or "good" shows. Recently, I saw the traveling Broadway productions of Wicked and The Book of Mormon. Both were wonderful for completely different reasons. My husband and I both would love to see Les Mis someday. I've read the book and we're both obsessed with the music.
2.Would you classify yourself as on stage or backstage?
You know, I might say backstage, but I think everyone who knows me would say On Stage. I love to teach, I have to be "on stage" for my job, and I can have a very boisterous personality (rivaled only by my husband's). But that being said, I love to spend my evenings at home with a book and a glass of wine.
3. What is your best memory from your first car?
It was a 1981 silver Honda Prelude. So tiny that the backseat was pretty much useless. I don't know if this is a "best memory," but a funny memory that popped into my mind was driving around playing "Boof." The rules are simple. You drive around with a bunch of high school kids and every time you see a car with one headlight, you hit the ceiling and say "Boof." The last person to do it takes off an article of clothing. Kinda like strip poker. See? This is what high schoolers do for fun in Montana. Good thing we weren't also drinking Vodka at the same time! 4. If money was no object, what is the one trip you would take?
No question. I would get one of those around-the-world tickets and disappear for a few years. I would be sure to stop in Italy for a good part of that trip. Wait, is it cheating to say that? Is that like, if I had one wish, I'd wish for a million more? Oh well.....
5. What did you hate about university/college?
I didn't hate anything about college. Seriously, I didn't. I wish I could go back and do it all over again. But graduate school...that was another story. I hated that it took over my life, my personality, and my marriage. I would never do it again.
6. When it comes to fashion or design, are you timeless or trendy?
Uhhh.......I have no fashion. Seriously. Usually I ask my husband, whose tastes fall with tight and short. *sigh* Lately I'm into long dresses, because they seem to look good on my body.
7. What was your first job?
Around the same time, I had two first jobs. I worked part-time at a daycare (I've always liked kids) and I apprenticed with a horse trainer (awesome job.
8. Did you go to prom?
Many times. Meh.
9. Do you have any tattoos?
Nope. I'm not committed enough. 10. Who do you need to forgive?
The answer to this is pretty personal. But thanks for making me think about it. Good question.
11. Have you personally experienced God’s love and forgiveness?
Ok, I gotta be honest, this question almost made me not want to do this survey/chainletter/award thing, because I didn't want to offend anyone. But the truth is, religion isn't a big part of my life. I was raised by very spiritually New-Agey parents and have never been a part of an organized religion. I'd say the closet I come to feeling something more is when I'm out in nature. Really far out, as in back-packing into the mountains.

So that's it. I did it. I'm done, right? Oh shit, nope. I need to find 11 more people to Tag and ask them some questions.

My 11 Questions

1. What color are your toenails painted right now?
2. Tell a story about a childhood birthday party.
3. What are you addicted to?
4. Do you have any weird habits?
5. Are you happy in your career? Job? Way you spend your days?
6. When did you meet your significant other? Were you too old? Too young? Just right?
7. Describe your favorite item of clothing.
8. So, what's the point of a blog, anyway?
9. What food describes your mood today?
10. Where will you be when you're 45?
11. So why are YOU responding to these questions?

11 Lucky Nominees!

No really, this part is the part that is nice. I hope that this Award does what it's intended and increases readership for those of us who are just starting out. It's really touching that we are pouring our souls out to who-knows-who, and all of these bloggers I've found are so strong and admirable, each in their own ways. SO, I tried to find some people who have less readership, are inspiring, and hopefully haven't gotten this before? If you have (or if you haven't), oh well. Congrats to all of us for putting it out there. :)

1. Fallopian Grove
2. The Daily Grind of Not Enough Time
3. The Nation Plan
4. Bean Journey
5. A Method in The Madness
6. Fit Momma
7. Our Journey Through This Lovely Life
8. Moon on a Stick
9. Just a Little Off Kilter...
10. Daisy to Sunflower
11. Journey to a Better Birth

And...that's it!! I'm sure some of you have already been nominated. But I did try to choose blogs that I thought were just starting out, or those that I wanted to give a nod to. If you don't see your name here it's because I thought you'd already been through this craziness been nominated before.

Wow, i can't believe I just spent almost 45 minutes on this, when I could have been catching up on paperwork. Thing #12 about me: I am AWESOME at procrastination.

Sunday, January 20, 2013


Today was a good day. I'm not sure how to write this post to totally capture what I want to say, but I'll try. I slept in this morning for the first time in a long time and rolled over and considered the idea of running away for the day. On one hand I had laundry and grocery shopping and cleaning and god knows what else to do.......on the other hand we've been working oh so hard and haven't had time to relax or connect with one another since Christmas.

So what did we do? What any other rational couple would do......we let Rock Paper Scissors decide. My husband took the side of Responsibility and I chose Fun. I won. So we took off. We drove north to wine country and just......enjoyed the day. We talked and talked and talked. Some serious stuff, some not so serious. We flirted and flirted and well, I may have even flirted with the cute guy pouring our wine who had a sexy tattoo. What can I say?

Anyhow, it was a good day. I'm so glad because I've been so down since I got my period. Yes, because, well, I'm not pregnant. But also because I think because I experienced the mood swings associated with hormones for the first time in years since I started taking birth control. What a bitch. How unfair. Like I was a black hole for about four days. Is that how it is for most women? Wow.

But now I'm back and I'm reconnected to myself and to my husband (and to wine country) and I'm just......back. It's a good thing because, throughout all of this trying-to-be-a-woman and trying-to-be-a-mother and trying-to-move-to-the-next-stage we need to remember to just BE. So, here I am. I'm back. Did you miss me?

On a positive note, I'm going to be in Mexico this cycle when I'm due for my period so, I'll either be pregnant or.......I'll pour a margarita and toast la puesta del sol.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Drown Your Sorrows Day

Welcome to Inaugural Drown Your Sorrows Day!!!
On the Menu is a 2009 Stolpman Sangiovese (wine clubs are the best!). This full-bodied red wine is being served with a side helping of the Return of Logic and Clear-Headedness. The rich aroma and "chewy" taste will be sure to induce moments of Clarity, Realism and maybe even a whiff of Chagrin. With each sip, you will find yourself becoming more grounded in Reality and less and less concerned about previously all-important obsessions. Finally, the tastes of "pomegranate and toasted fennel seeds" will bring you smashing back to the full-functioning status of a strong, intelligent, independent woman. Basically, on this Drown-Your-Sorrows Day, you will accept Reality and Move ON!

p.s. Yes, the wine description really does say "pomegranate and toasted fennel seeds."

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Just One LIne

Still waiting........

No period.

No little pink lines.

Monday, January 14, 2013

'Twas the Night Before....

Celebrations are in order! On my third cycle off of birth control my luteal phase has extended by one whole day. My first two cycles it was only 11 days, which, according to some "highly scientific" websites, can be cause for concern (most say...Shut up and stop worrying, you're fine if you're over 10 days). What does this mean? Probably nothing. Maybe it means my body will be better able to create life *insert joyous music here*, maybe it means my body is regulating itself back to its natural, normal state *insert chirping birds and other nature sounds* and maybe it means....

....well, hey, I am a day late, right??

p.s. I realize this post reveals what an obsessive dork I am, but oh well, the whole reason I started this blog is so I could write about my crazy, obsessive thoughts about trying to get pregnant without having to reveal them to people in real life.

p.p.s. You shouldn't get too excited by my naively giddy hopefulness in this posting. Two negative pregnancy tests at 12DPO suggest I am not, in fact, pregnant.

Friday, January 11, 2013

A Losing Battle

Do you know what's dangerous about the two week wait?

Hope is a dangerous thing. Dangerous to have too much of it, dangerous to not have enough of it. I think the reason the two week wait is so volatile is because the hope is like a drug. For two weeks (ok 10-16 days), you could be pregnant. That's different than definitely not pregnant. You do silly things. Like figure out the due date of your possibly-non-existent baby, touch your stomach and wonder, plan for things that will need to be changed, imagine where you will be when you find out, and so on and heart-breakingly so on. It's sweet and exciting and dangerous as hell.

And I am right smack in the middle of it. Well, actually, more like the tail end of it. I made it through the middle just fine with a smug little smile and a pat on the back. Good for me for not going crazy again this month. I've really learned my lesson. I feel so calm, cool and collected.

Enter three days before my period is due (9DPO), and SCREEEEEEEEEEECH....!!!!

All sanity is OUT of the window! I jumped right back to where I was last month. I mean, come on guys, my temp rose AGAIN this morning, for the third day in the row. Must meant something right? Oh, and I was an emotional whirlwind today and ended up telling off my crazy landlord. Oh...sounds like a pregnant lady! And.... and......and....

Wow. Stop. Chill. Will someone please give me a pill to stop the craziness? Too bad wine is currently off limits due to this potential-maybe-baby-idea that is the reason I NEED a glass of wine. Oh the irony.

So I guess, in a roundabout way, that's my cycle update. Hoping to make it to Monday to take a test. We'll see.

p.s. The cat sleeping on my lap and the fact that I'm going horseback riding again this weekend is definitely helping hold the insanity at bay.

Monday, January 7, 2013

One Week Late

Ok, ok, so I realize on a trying to get pregnant blog that the title of this post might be misleading. But no, I'm not pregnant (as far as I know). But I AM one week late in starting my New Year's Resolution. Maybe that's because my resolution was as cliche as you can get and so I'm not shouting it to the rooftops. I mean, really, silly as it sounds......there's not much I want to change. So I didn't have much resolve. Ha.

Anyhow, my Resolution was the same as 96% of all women out there: To Lose Weight. No wait, let me rephrase that. It really is about eating right and eating healthy. No, I swear! The thing is, according to BMI charts, I'm not really that over weight. But according to my frame......I am. So really it's more about being healthy and hoping my body falls into line along the way.

I haven't been influenced by living in LA in such a way that I am about to announce that I'm starting some crazy cayenne-pepper, lemon juice, pickle juice, essence of Crystal diet/cleanse/starvation method. No, actually, believe it or not, I use Weight Watchers. Wow, it's kind of embarrassing to admit that. When you think of WW, what comes to mind for you? Come on......admit it, you're thinking of pre-menopausal women in a room, who survive on eating pre-packaged, frozen WW meals, aren't you?

Well, today's post is to prove to you that it's not that bad. I was introduced to it by a friend who is one of the healthiest, most active, beautiful women I know. And I was always impressed by how healthily she ate. When she admitted she did WW, I was stunned. So, I tried it. Just coming out of graduate school, I was significantly overweight (a common phenomenon for people who overwork their brains and ignore their bodies). So I did it, and lost over 20 lbs. My husband did with me and lost closer to 70 lbs (men lose weight differently......plus, he had more to lose). Anyhow, I'm good at the losing weight part, not as good at the maintaining part, so here I am again. I've decided to document my Mondays and what I eat to hold myself accountable. We'll see how far this lasts, huh?

Soooo, here goes! I hope you enjoy this little photojournal of What I Ate Today (wow, how narcissistic), and if not, you can just go back to doing.....something more important!

Here we go.....

A cup of Huckleberry Tea.
O points.

Banana (0 pts) and Greek Yogurt (3 pts)

Lunch. Check out my cute new bento-style tupperware!
Salad with Homemade Pinot Noir Vinaigrette, sliced grape tomatoes and tuna salad. 5 pts

0 pts for all of the fruits. 5 pts for cheese & crackers.

6 oz of Chicken, one cup of rice, and asparagus with Tamari-Garlic-Lemon sauce = 13 pts. Can you tell I like carbs more than protein??

Annnnd that's my day! 26 points in total.

That's it. I hope you enjoyed. I hope you realized you actually CAN eat and still lose weight. You don't have to stop eating all together, lose a bunch of weight, and then gain it back when you're done. This is just eating healthier. Period.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Grapes and Horses

I woke up early this morning because I was having a weird, end-of-the-world, zombie Apocalypse dream in which my husband and I were trying to load the pets into the Range Rover and get the fuck out of town. Don't know if this is a result of the two week long trip we just took with our pets (crazy) or because my husband is obsessed with end of the world movies/tv shows/etc. Annnnyhow. I woke up with my heart racing looking for my survival gear (yes, my husband has packed me a kit of survival gear to keep in my car) and then realized that I was wide awake at 5:00am. Which means when my alarm goes off in two hours I won't have had 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep. For those of you (all of you??) who are experts at temping and charting, you will know that three hours of uninterrupted sleep is some weird Golden Rule of temping. Right up there with, Brush Your Teeth twice a day (I don't always do that), Wash Your Face Before Bed (I never do that) and Remember to Wear Clean Underwear (this I always do!).

Being a bit of a scientist, I understand the reason for this Golden Rule of Sleeping is to create a baseline, decrease confounding variables, and overall decrease your variance in your data. Ok. Got it. But the heart-pounding-terrified-of-Zombies-awake-at-5:00am Me wasn't thinking very scientifically. I just thought "Oh shit! Now I broke the damn Golden Rule."

So I took my temp (97.5) and went back to sleep.

Two hours later, I took it again (98.0). Hmm. Very different temps. (Don't fuck with the Golden Rule, I guess).

Now I know that the increase in temp was likely due to the heavy blanket my husband put on me (how sweet) because I was cold sometime between 5:00 and 7:00. But of course, my mind starting going crazy trying to decide which temp was more accurate, which should I enter into my chart and which would mean I was pregnant, damnit!

Then I came to my senses. What am I thinking? I am 3DPO and my temps do not matter one tiny little bit. Even though people say, "Oh wow, look at that beautiful temp rise!" I have read time and time again that it doesn't matter what the hell your temps do during the two week wait. You're either pregnant or you're not. And staring at your temperatures to try to read a secret message isn't going to change anything.

Soooo....I entered a temp (the first one, 97.5, if you're desperately interested) and vowed to get on with my life.

How did I do that, you might ask? Well, if you'll remember (as I'm sure all of you dedicated fans will), I vowed that if I was Not Pregnant in January one of the things I would do is get back into horseback riding. I had taken some time off for the Holidays and was starting to miss it. In fact, horseback riding and wine are my two main consolations for not yet being pregnant. Because they are two things I know I will have to give up for awhile once I am.

Now, you might think a 31-year-old woman riding horses sounds a little silly. I've heard it all:
"But if you've been riding since you were 10, don't you know how to do it by now?"
"Ohhhh does that mean you go out and ride down the trail?"
"Wait, it's not like it's that much exercise, is it?"

And so on and so on. It makes me think of one of those pictures that were so popular on Facebook for awhile.

You know the ones? Well, this one is pretty accurate, actually. I ride Dressage (note the picture of what I think I do and picture pretty white horses dancing in place and you'll get the idea). Dressage riders are always learning and progressing and many never get to even ride the upper level movements. In other words, it's complicated.

Right now you're probably wondering what this horsey-stuff has to do with getting through the Two Week Wait in one piece? Well, for me, horseback riding is an escape. It turns off my brain and relaxes my body. It helps me to sneak away from reality and is seriously better than going for a spa-day.

Sometimes I get frustrated with it because I no longer own my own horse and I'm not riding competitively like I used and I can't ride as often as I want so I'm basically not...progressing or moving forward at all. I'm just...maintaining. But then, I go out, I smell the horses, I see the mountains, I use my body (not my brain) and I just...forget. It's wonderful. And guess what else? The effect lasts. Here I am, 6 hours later, and still not freaking out about whether I put the right temperature into my silly little chart. So if riding just once a week won't bring me back to the competitive horsewoman I once was and it won't bring back the rock-hard abs I once had (seriously I had a six pack...who said horseback riding isn't good exercise??), at least it helps my sanity.

It brings me closer to the person I want to be.

So, I'll keep riding. And I'll keep dreaming about the day that I can own my own horses again and in the meantime, I will work on being content with what I have. And, I won't give a damn about little things like 3 degrees of difference.

I will leave you with a picture of the horse I rode today. She was once 1st Level California Dressage Champion. Now she's a school horse. I bet she's not stressing over it.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Dreaming of the Right Now

I have this problem. I didn't realize it was a problem until it was pointed out to me as such. My problem is, I'm a dreamer. I've always been this way. I like to dream about the future. In small ways, as in, next semester of college, things will be better than they are now. Or in larger ways, as in dreaming about living abroad. I like to entwine myself in the dream, spinning it around me until it feels real and until it cushions me from the dullness of the current moment.

Having a dream inspires me and gives me comfort. For example, if I am unhappy with something in my life, I can imagine how it will be different in 6 months, 6 years, etc. Or, if I am feeling down that day, I can dream about my next trip abroad and plan out the details of the trip. For example, my job was stressful today, so I plan the places I want to eat dinner while on our trip to Peru. I always saw it as a way to cope and a way to enjoy things long before they happen.

As I said, it wasn't until recently that I saw this as a problem. It was my husband who pointed it out to me. He said, "You're always talking about mindfulness - being in the moment, but you are always looking forward to the future instead of enjoying the right now. He explained that when i talk so much about our future, it makes him feel like I am not happy with what we have right now.

We have spent a lot of time talking about this, until I think we've reached an understanding. He no longer feels that my dreaming is a direct comment on my happiness in my current life (or worse, my happiness with him) and in fact, he has learned how to join in my dreaming. For example, on our drive home from on holiday break we played the "What will our dream home be like?" game; where we pretend we are architects and design our dream home, all the way down to the stables that will house my horses.

But even though I've learned how to integrate it into my marriage and my husband understands me better, I still believe that his counter-argument holds true. If I am always dreaming of the future, what about being content with right now? Because frankly, my Right Now is pretty damn good. I love my house, I love my career, I love living where I'm living, and I have never been happier in my marriage. It sounds cheesy, doesn't it? Almost gag-me cheesy. But it's true. We are happy. I am happy. And yet, I keep dreaming.

I suppose it always comes back to balance. I can dream all I want, as long as I keep two feet on the floor. I don't want to spend so much time dreaming about my dream home, that I don't look around at where I am right now.

I suppose the more concrete example here has to do with trying to have a baby. I told my husband last night that I was discouraged that I hadn't ovulated yet, because I want my body to hurry up and get back to normal after having been on birth control. We were laying in bed after a particularly amazing, um, experience, and he looked at me like I was crazy and said "But why?" I gave him a bunch of calculated reasons why I want to ovulate on a regular schedule, all having to do with future planning and inevitably ending in (of course) getting pregnant). And he kept looking at me and said, "But right now we are closer than we've ever been. We are enjoying the journey to get pregnant and we will never have this moment again in just this way. So just...enjoy."

Wow. Since when am I married to such a wise, wise man?

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Baby in Your Tummy?

Well, I started off the New Year in the same way I'm sure many other people did - wandering bleary eyed to the bathroom, drinking a huge glass of water, peeing, wandering back to bed, drinking more water, and deciding to go back to sleep. Except...THEN I remembered, Oh Shit! I haven't taken my temperature! So, of course, I did. Which, if all of the things I did before taking it wouldn't have messed up my temperature, I'm sure the fact that I was still probably partially drunk and couldn't figure out how to enter the numbers into my phone didn't help (Picture me, fuzzy, bleary-eyed, and blind without my glasses, tapping ineffectively on my iPhone. Awesome).

SO. Long story short, even though I have a theory I ovulated yesterday, I really have no way to know since my temp jumped so high my chart looks like a cliff face. Haha. I guess I'll just discard today's temp and wait a few more days to see. Anyone else have this problem or am I the only one that decided that splitting a bottle of champagne with my friend was somehow a GOOD idea??

On another note, I wanted to share a cute story that happened last night. We spent most of the night at my friend's house who is currently five months pregnant (No, that is NOT the same friend who split the champagne bottle with me!!). And I got to meet her 18-month-old baby for the first time. She was totally precious and sat with me for half of the night, just playing and snuggling. At one point, my friend told us about how her daughter is confused about the idea of there being a "baby sister in mommy's tummy." And so sometimes she thinks the baby sister is inside of HER tummy, which I thought was adorable. So then my friend start's asking her daughter "Where's your baby sister?" And she pointed at MY tummy! I turned bright red and my friend, who knows I'm TTCing, said "Wow, you better stop drinking that glass of wine!" Ha,ha.

Here's hoping that adorable little toddler knows something I don't, hey?

Last note: Check out one of my Christmas presents.
Cute, hey? But I read through it and there seems to be way more in depth information available on the Internet/forums. Good book to read before you start, I think.