Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Just Me Being Me?

So last night I found myself sitting on the couch, finishing up paperwork, and watching the Season Finale of Downton Abbey (don't get me started on Downton Abbey...that is an entirely different blog post!) and just started to feel exhausted. So I toddled off the to bedroom, read a few pages of my book, and turned off the light. About three minutes later, I sat straight up in bed, struck by a feeling of horrible sadness. I found myself sitting there in the dark, with tears in my eyes, thinking about how sad it was that Thursday will be my last horseback riding lesson. How melodramatic.

My husband, whom you should know went to bed early due to being sick all day, mumbled something like " kay?"

"No, I blurted. "I can't sleep."


Now, I had some choices. I could sit there in the dark and continue to dwell on my inexplicable sadness. I could accept defeat (pregnancy insomina?) and go back to reading my book. Or I could just go to sleep.

So what did I do?

I choose this moment to bring up with my husband the issue of his weight. As in, my belief that he needed to lose some. Now I know what you're thinking - Are you serious right now? and What were you thinking? Who brings up such a sensitive subject at midnight with a poor, tired, sick husband?

Apparently I do. I launch right into asking him about his diet and proposing some exercise routines, all the while feeling his hurt and defensiveness emanating at me through the darkness.

So what do I do? I keep on talking. As I talk, I'm feeling angry and sad. I'm thinking stupid things like , Why do I always have to be the mean one? and Can't he see I'm trying to help? Right. You couldn't get more cliche than this.

This goes on for awhile. Me throwing out what I see as thoughtful, caring comments, but what I know are being received as darts to his heart. Finally, in a tired voice, he says something along the lines of, "Look, I'm sick and tired and I've been throwing up. Can't we just drop this?"

Logical, right? Right. Except now I'm buzzing with fury and contemplating sleeping on the couch. What? I am not making any sense.

Suddenly I blurt out, "Well you......"

"Well I what......?" Again, he isn't angry, just tired, exasperated, and a little hurt.

I, on the other hand, and fuming with the words I didn't speak - Well, YOU don't seem excited enough about this baby.

Wait. Back up. WHAT? Where did that come from?? He has been perfectly excited and extremely happy about this whole thing. What did I expect? Flowers? Kisses on my belly? Sympathy? Coddling? Stoking my hair?

Hmmm. Yes. Probably, all of the above. Now, logically, I know a bunch of facts. I know he has been sick and has been working hard and his parents have been visiting and we both don't get home until 7 or 8 (or later) at night AND that the fact that I have a sesame seed of a baby inside of me just doesn't affect him the same as it does me. Logically, I get all of this.

But, in the dark last night I wasn't logical. I was tearful, angry, hostile, and just.......well, bitchy.

Suddenly, it stuck me. Oh my god. Is this Pregnancy talking? Are these just hormonally-induced feelings? Is this complete lack of rational thought all the fault of that little sesame-seed bundle of cells? well, then I got more angry. Damn it. That's not fair. Chemicals are making me be a bitch to my poor husband? Well, goddamnit, I......

WAIT. Stop.

So I stopped. I never said any of those thoughts about him "not being excited enough" out loud. I just sat there in the darkness while his breathing slowed and I finally allowed him some much-deserved sleep.

And I marveled. Marveled at how things you read about emotionality due to hormones or due to the momentousness of such a big change actually do come true. I am a statistic in a book. One of those sappy books that says something like "Now remember, mommies-to-be can be a little difficult or unpredictable in these months. Treat her with care and give her lots of foot massages!" Oh gag me. Is that me?

Now those of you reading this who are slightly more knowledgeable than me might be thinking. Um, but you're only five weeks pregnant. Hormones don't kick in until much, much later.

If that's the case, keep it to yourself. Because I don't want to know about it if that Monster last night was just me being me.


  1. I feel like I have PMS on steriods right now I'm pretty sure it's a pregnancy thing :)

  2. It must be pregnancy, but it's not the only cause. What I mean, is , it has happened to me without been pregnant. Of course it could be that I am just sensitive to hormones and PMS hits me hard, and PMS is just PMS and that's what it does to me.

    Just... don't blame the baby ok? Blame the placenta all you want, or, at this stage, blame the corpus luteum, they are the ones synthetizing the hormones. But please don't become one of those girls who calls the zygote/embryo/foetus an alien, tumor or parasite whose aim is to make you sick and feel like crap and who is doing it on purpose (or that is what you would think from reading them). I guess there has been too much Twilight going around. Anyhow, sorry for that rant, it just makes me really really sad / irritated when I read such things (you did not say it, it's just I have seen it in other places, and I even once got in a discussion about the evolutionary nature of parasites versus that of foetuses... urgh).

    In any case I hope you feel better. Gets lots of ice cream for sure. And just let it be. Be kind to yourself and to each other, this is a huge deal!

    BTW I do the tired/bitchy /won't stop talking at night thing too. Sometimes I wish I would shut up... but when it is happening it's like it takes over me and I feel so sad and cry and it is just so illogical/irrational.

    1. Glad to know I'm not the only one who can't shut up at night sometimes. Bad habit.

      Thanks for comment about not blaming it on the baby. I know you said I didn't do that, but I hope it didn't come across that way. Instead, I think I get angry sometimes because when I realize my feelings are "hormonal" - PMS, Pregnancy, whatever...then I get mad because I don't want that to mean the feelings aren't meaningful, but I also get mad that my body is tricking my mind. I guess I need to remember mind-body dualism, huh? Either way, the baby is just a baby. Totally innocent. Wow. A baby.

    2. Oh you did not do it, it's just I am sensitive to this subject for some reason (I guess having to do with our own struggles).

      And yeah, it is so hard to separate mind from body, and with hormones it is hard because it is always a fight , we want to control them and be above it all, but at the same time they do make us feel in a certain way and those feelings are very real at the moment. Your feelings are meaningful regardless, but I think hormones just make you experience everything in a more intense way.
      You will do great, just allow yourself to be, and feel whatever you feel.

  3. Haha, TOTALLY like my meltdown last night! Your poor hubby, though... I hope he knows it was the hormones speaking through you... kind of like the excorist or something. Also, DOWNTOWN -- loved how it all came together at the end. But so confused as to what operation Lady Mary had that somehow "corrected" her infertility in one day but required "healing" down there? Huh?

    1. Downton... yeah. Ok, it did come together, but did they have to do such a dramatic, devastating thing in the Season Finale? What? And as far as the quick fix to her infertility problem, I was also totally confused. Maybe some type of HSG test where he cleared her tubes? No idea!

  4. I am going to have to find a way to watch Downtown Abbey because everyone seems to be talking about it! Maybe I can watch it while I am in Cancun...

    I have totally been in your shoes (I think we all have) maybe not pregnancy related, but hormone related nonetheless. It's so odd when your brain knows that you are being irriational and telling you to stop talking, and yet the words keep coming out of your mouth! After I got the BFN after IVF #1, I accused my husband of not really wanting children while I was crying on my bed... I knew it wasn't true, and I knew I was hurting his feelings, but I kept going!

    Thanks for sharing. I will try to learn from your experiences when/if I find myself newly pregnant and being a little less than nice to my loved ones :)

    1. Yes! Watch Downton Abbey! It's wonderful!!

      Awww you on the bed crying to your husband about irrational thoughts. Yep. I totally get it. I hate when sometimes we step outside of ourselves to say things we know we shouldn't. Good to know I'm not the only one.

  5. It could be hormones (pregnancy or otherwise). But I also think that sometimes, with the emotion of an overwhelming new situation, it's easier to create a drama to distract from that than to worry and wonder...At least, I know it's true for me anyway, and I'm pretty sure I'm not unique. My poor husband! Ha. I'm glad yours got some rest in the end!

    1. Sadie, YES. I think this is it. I think I'm just feeling the momentousness of this occasion and I want my husband to feel it too. Unfortunately, he'd been puking his guts out, so not so much.

  6. Thanks all for your comments on this. You'll all be happy to know, I've apologized for my bitchiness :)

  7. congrats on your pregnancy! I think things kick in right away so blame it on being pregnant for sure! How you are feeling happier!

    {love jenny xoxo}

  8. I had to laugh through this... only because it has been me, too.
    In the invisible stages of pregnancy, he WON'T get it and he WON'T be that excited until later when it sinks in for him, too.
    And yes, this was all induced by hormones and yes, already. One time I bitched Shawn out because he didn't come to the conclusion that we were out of milk and should go get some while I slept in so I could have cereal after I woke up with morning sickness because that's all I wanted to eat. :o|
    Shit's about to get crazy and real and it's all OK!!! Just KNOW that it is hormones and let most of the thoughts go. If you must bring them up to him (it helps to vent the preg-crazies) choose a good time when he is awake ;o)

    1. Oh so glad that that you saw the humor in it. Because it is humorous. I mean, obviously we're strong enough to get through a bad moment like that, so as long as I can laugh at the ridiculousness of myself, we'll be ok. But I think the take home message to is to be aware and try to sift through to see which feelings to voice and which to let go.

  9. I have mixed feelings about this. I mean, it pisses me off when I'm angry or irritated about something and someone asks me if I'm PMSing (not-pregnant) or accuses me of being "pregnant and hormonal." I think that's just a form of thinly veiled misogyny, to assert that the feelings I'm articulating are the result of some chemical imbalance in my womanly body and therefore not valid.

    At the same time, there have definitely been times when I have felt surges of emotions and known that I was not behaving in a rational manner. Or that my reaction to something was theoretically logical enough, but wildly exaggerated, or happening in the wrong place or wrong time, yet I couldn't bring myself to care. (During pregnancy, postpartum, or after having my Mirena removed.) So I guess, while I'm okay with declaring myself to be suffering from hormones, I'm not okay with other people doing it.

    Anyways, HCG is rising in your body right now, so pregnancy hormones can be a factor in your behavior. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your DH, so I hope the two of you are able to look back on this and laugh someday.

    1. Ditto. I completely agree. I don't want anyone telling me my feelings are "just" hormones. But at the same time, it's unavoidable how much it changes your state of mind. I was crying at a movie this morning for no reason at all. What a cliche.

  10. I don't blame you one bit! There are so many emotions AND hormones involved - no matter how early you are. It's an overwhelming mix of things. I felt like a lunatic at times, even when I was 5-6 weeks. But we aren't lunatics, it's totally natural to have a million thoughts and feelings going on.

    A lot of ladies feel like their husbands aren't excited or involved enough. I've even felt that way at times, even though my hubby has been a good support to me. He didn't really get excited until we began having appointments and ultrasounds. I mean, he was happy but it seems to take longer for men to connect.

    Thinking of you xoxo

    1. Good point about the ultrasounds. My husband said I've gotten him so worked up about the risk of miscarriages that he will feel better after our first appt. I'm looking forward to it.

  11. Oh, and I just started watching Downton Abbey!! I LOVE IT! I'm on season 2 now, trying to catch up. I've been missing out :-)

  12. I swear these pregnancy hormones are crazy!! Don't ever beat yourself down our bodies are going through some major changes. I have felt sad and depressed many times during this pregnancy. So normal :)


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