So, let me just say...I am not good friends with this Cycle. My plans for this Cycle were that I would ovulate normally and on time then settle down and calmly wait until Feb. 14th. At which date I would board a plane, fly to Mexico and find out if I was pregnant or not. If pregnant, well then, hooray! If not, commence with margarita and michelada drinking. Both options aren't too shabby.
Unfortunately, my body laughed at my plans. I'm now on CD20 and have yet to ovulate. Oh well, no big deal, right? And yet, that extends my fanciful little timeline and puts me in Mexico right in the middle of my two week wait. Again, some of you might be nodding your little heads and thinking "Good, at least she won't have to deal with her period on a vacation" or "Oh what a relaxing way to spend the two week wait."
Others of you, who have read my blog for awhile, may remember certain references to my affinity for alcohol. And then you will realize that my body's joke of a schedule is going to force me to abstain from drinking *gaSp* while in Mexico!
So, now, you may be wondering "Does this girl have an alcohol problem?" and "Can she even function without alcohol??" and "How the hell is she going to make it as a mother??" Yeah, yeah, I know. But I've realized, after spending about 50% of the time abstaining during this whole thing, just how much alcohol is a part of my life. A glass of wine at night is a ritual for me. About calming down, leaving work behind, slowing myself into the moment. Or, dinner and drinks with friends is about socializing, enjoying the experience, and being young and carefree. When family comes to visit we open a bottle of wine, or go to a new brewery, or go out for a nice dinner with - you guessed it - drinks.
Ok, so now you're not just wondering if I'm an alcoholic. You've probably pretty much confirmed it inside of your own Superego. Right? And I'll admit, my own jury is still out. But in my defense, we're not talking all-out-drinking-until-you-puke, hanging-out-at-bars, crazy-stupid-drunk drinking here. We're talking about expensive wine and really good food. I mean, they just "go together"......
So anyhow. Back to Mexico. When I realized I wasn't going to able to drink my Micheladas in Mexico I got irrationally pissed. Like, seriously, irrationally so. And theeeeeen I started to jump onto the "She's got a problem" bandwagon. What am I complaining about here? I will be in a gorgeous boutique hotel in Mexico and I will be abstaining for something I really, really want. I felt very petty and clouded within my irrational, pouty anger.
But then, I realized. It's not about the alcohol. Ok, well, to be honest, it is a little about the alcohol. But really and truly it's about being in control. Being in control of my body, in control of my plans, in control of my life. And during sometime as basic as making a baby, you are not in control. The silly thing is, I had just started to accept that fact about the fact that this will likely take longer than I had expected/wanted. I had been settling in and realizing that I can make this a part of my life and it doesn't have to be my whole life (you may have noticed less blog posts/comments lately as a result). I was feeling smug and satisfied about this decision. But then, my body. Just. Wouldn't. Ovulate.
Basically, my body is laughing in my face right about now. Plans, schmans. What plans?
So really, I think right now I'm just mad. Mad at not being able to plan things the way I usually do. Not being able to make things go the way I want them to. And I'm not even talking about the whole having-a-baby part. I mean, the process of getting there. It seems somehow cosmically set to teach me a lesson. As in, just roll with it. Stop trying so hard.