Sunday, March 17, 2013


It has now been exactly a month since I found out I was pregnant. How do I describe these first few weeks to you? For sure, it was not what I had expected. Not what the movies or your childhood ideas would led you to believe. For me, there have been very few moments of reveling in amazement over what is happening to my body, or crying in my husband's arms in happiness, or smiling a secret smile a'la an Italian madonna in a portrait. No, instead I have become more withdrawn, more disconnected from the world. Now I don't want you to take this in the wrong way, so let me try to describe it.... I feel as if I have become insulated from the world, in a little cocoon of my own. Looking out through a fog. I am hyperaware of my body in a way I have never before been. I can feel my energy drawn to physical work. As if my body (and mind) has ceased to care about anything else except the job in front of it. Eating? Meh. Who cares. Sex? Not interested. And it's not only my physical sensations, but my emotional and intellectual energy. At work, I am less efficient, less organized, less....awake. I am also less connected to the feelings and stories of my clients, as if I am wrapped in a gossamer fog that separates me from everyone else. When I talk to my friend, my husband, even a person in a random encounter at a store, I find myself putting less energy into the interaction. Not that I don't care (although at it almost feels that way), but that I can't be bothered to give of myself to this moment. I am too inside of myself.

Basically, pregnancy is making me selfish. I have never been a very selfish person. Instead, I worry and care too much. I don't like to upset people. I want to be polite and say the right thing. Now? Who gives a fuck. I am willing to put me (us) first. Hmmm. No, let me rewrite that. It's not so much a volitional act as much as, I can't dredge up the energy to have the empathy I am accustomed to feeling. I still care about other people and other things, but the ability to truly empathize seems to be lost somewhere in the core of my stomach.

It's funny because, in a way, it's strangely liberating for me. For someone who puts too much emphasis on saying the right thing and keeping up with friendships and doing a good job and...and...and... It feels a bit of a relief to just let things slide a bit. To just, focus inwardly on the physical being of me.

But I can feel me buried somewhere deep inside fighting back with a tiny voice saying things like, Why are you saying that? Why didn't you say this? You should care more. So I know I am still there. I know that girl is watching and rolling her eyes when I don't make polite chitchat with the lady at the grocery store and she is groaning in exasperation when I made a sharp comment to my poor husband, but I just tell her, Wait. Right now I can't be bothered. Later I will come back to myself.

And I hope that is true. I hope once I am done with this land of foggy nausea and disconnection I will come back to myself. Until then, I will keep muddling through, wrapped in my cocoon, doing what I need to do to get through this first trimester and starting being a human again.


  1. Oh wow... It really must be something biochemical going on, making you feel like this.
    Lauren had a post on how pregnancy changed her from being this "yes yes yes person", always on the run, seeing friends, helping them, being there, to actually starting, embracing that sometimes saying "no" was ok, and it was, in a way, a relief, because it is something she sometimes finds herself struggling with (putting others before herself).
    Know that this is just a phase.
    Take all the time you need for yourself, you are growing a baby, and it is natural it takes all of your energy, physical and otherwise.
    If you need to focus on yourself, so be it.
    And YOU are still there, don't worry about that.

    1. Amanda, I remember Lauren's post and I totally understand it. It's weird to see my personality change. My mother's birthday is this weekend and my sister and I went shopping and I was pretty much like "hmm, yeah, this will do." None of my normal agonizing over what to buy...

      But yeah, you're right it's a phase. I'm just letting it flow by.

  2. I've totally been there. :) It comes and goes throughout pregnancy, but for the most part, I mean... something intensely hormonal is happening to your body and your brain, and of course that would make you feel as you are! You'll come to feel better once you're out of your first trimester -- at least, that's when I noticed. Your hormone levels will level out and you'll be in the good part of your pregnancy (not so sick anymore, getting a cute belly that's not quite in the way yet, your appetite and attitude will both come back).

    If it DOESN'T change, or if it starts to get worse, I'm encouraging you now to talk to someone, be it your OB/MW, doula, friend, husband, a counselor, whoever. As someone who's at risk for PPD, I've gotta tell you that these feelings ARE normal, but so long as they don't interfere with your daily life for a decent period. Not to scare you, but just to keep in the back of your mind. :)

    In the meantime, enjoy where you are! Take the time to yourself and really marvel in what you and your body are doing. It really is a miracle, and some drawing into yourself is normal! I can't wait until you get further and get to experience even more of it!

    1. I can't wait to move tot he next phase! So ready to come out the other side. But don't worry, I don't feel like it's turning into anything darker. Underneath the fog I am so deliriously happy. As if I have a little secret (because I do) and I smile at myself.

  3. Welcome to Pregnancy Brain. This IS a real thing, I will maintain, my entire life. It helps you to focus on you and the baby.

    I remember the first month, too. I felt really... alone. And then I got wapped with the bad, dehydrating sickness. So it got worse. It does get better but you'll still have moments and you'll also realize (the little small you voice) that you are just NOT yourself and that's OK! You are going through a lot of changes; more in the first 12 weeks than any other period of time. Be nice to you!


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