So I realized I haven't posted since our first ultrasound last week. In fact, I've been totally silent. You may have wondered, what happened to that nice girl that used to update us and comment on my blog posts? Where did she go? Well, partly, I went camping for the weekend, so you know, no Internet. But also, I kind of retreated into this weird, silent place of anxiety. You see, I left my first OB appointment with a tiny niggling feeling of "unsettled and uncertain." But no real anxiety. In fact, when the doctor tried to reassure me, I reassured HER. "No, really, I'm fine...it's so early...I didn't expect to see anything..." Calm, suave, together.
So what happened? Well, two things. First, I started thinking: Hmmm. You know, I have to reschedule all of my clients just to go back next week. What if it's still too early and there's no heartbeat still? And then I have to reschedule all of my clients again? Hmm. What a hassle. See? Still naively calm. So I called the doctor's office.Me: Hi, I was wondering if I could push my appointment back a week...*launching into long-winded rationale*
Receptionist: Um. What did the doctor say? Did she say she wanted to see you in one week? *insert ominous tone*
Me: *gulp* Yes.
Her: Well, if she said one week, you need to come back in one week.
Huh. I thought this was rather strict, so off I go to Google. Oops. There I learn that the reason for the One Week rule is that, if a doctor doesn't see what she expects to see, she will reschedule an appointment in One Week to determine if the pregnancy is well...you know, going to happen or not. Fuck. That is when I got quiet, withdrawn, and silently panicking. I spent the whole camping weekend feeling tired, cut off from others, and nauseous. Which yes, I know nausea is a good thing, but still. I was just, cocooned in all of these pregnancy symptoms and worry.
Fastforward to this morning. One Week later - the day of my appointment. I wake up at 4 am, with deep dark pit of sickness in my stomach (baby sickness, not anxiety sickness). I eat exactly two Stoned Wheat Thins (which felt like ingesting two pieces of pressed particle board) and went back to sleep. Three hours later I was dry heaving over the toilet and pitying myself. Then, I somehow made it through approximately four hours of work, before ducking out secret-agent-style to my ultrasound appointment.
Met my husband in the parking lot and off we went. In the exam room (which was much improved by the new oven mitts - actual blue oven mitts - on the stirrups), I forced my husband to tell me all about his day, his business meetings, the color of his socks, WHATEVER, just to take my mind off what was about to happen.
In she came, complimenting me on my hair and apologizing again for making us wait. She said she had just found out one of her patients was having twins and needed to help the woman process and get all excited. Cool. Meanwhile, I was flushed red with anxiety. She took pity on me and stuck the ultrasound wand up inside me faster than a scene in a porno and then BOOM.
We saw this:
Later my husband said my lip started trembling with relief. What is that? My lip also trembled when I saw the positive pregnancy test. I am like some bumbling cartoon character. Annnnyhow, we officially have an egg sac and a little tiny baby peanut AND a heartbeat!! Seriously.
The funny thing is, neither my husband or I "saw" the heartbeat right away. I don't know what we were looking for, but I just thought the flickering was poor picture quality or something, so after she was done measuring, adjusting my due date and everything, I piped up with, "Umm, so you saw the heartbeat?" And she shrieks back, laughing, Girl!! You didn't?!?" And my husband, who is NOT a girl, says, "Uh, me neither."
So she showed us. And it was like a hallmark movie. My husband grabbed my hand and I guess my lip kept trembling, and we just looked at this little flickering, alive little being that is living inside of me right now. And then it all became very, very real.
And I thought I'd leave you with this little clip from Friends, because us not being able to see the heartbeat just brought back this scene for me. Don't mind the Portuguese subtitles (??).