Friday, July 26, 2013

A Grey Place

First of all, I want to respond to comments on my last two posts.

I really loved everyone's comments on my post about what purpose blogging serves for us. I was surprised by how much everyone responded to this post and had so much to say about it. I think I hit on something close to us all and everyone wanted to share their own reasons for doing this. What is interesting is, it seems that most of us started blogging in order to find a community of people with similar interests or similar struggles. A way of connection. What does that say about whether we're disconnected from people in our non-virtual lives? I think it likely has to do with the fact that we all entered specific phases in our lives and the people around us just weren't going through the same things. I too started the blog as an outlet for my thoughts so as not to overwhelm those around me with my own obsessions. And, like many of you, I was pleasantly surprised by how supportive and helpful it was to find other people through my blog. Finally, most people said they like reading blogs where the voice is "real." I completely agree. I think blogs that are more personal, less structured, and put some thought (just some, not much is needed) into their reading style are the ones who attract me the most.

I also want to respond to comments on my last post about my recent midwife appointment. After reading the comments, I had to go back and re-read the post. Many of your comments made me realize that, first of all, I am terrible at writing sarcasm. I don't have anything against kale and I definitely don't have anything against baby wearing. I already know I'm going to spend way too much money on wraps and carriers. Also, my midwife wasn't really that bad. She didn't really mention chakras or energy fields or anything that bad. That's just me being sarcastic. B says I have a tendency to exaggerate. Apparently in text it doesn't translate well. So, when your comments prompted me to re-read my post, I, what is wrong with me? I chose this approach on purpose. The only reason the midwives give me a hard time about my diet is for my own good. They are very clear that my baby is fine and is getting all the nutrients I need. They just want me to feel energetic and healthy. Soooo was all of that teasing and those jaded comments really necessary? Maybe I should shush the skeptical side of me and accept the fact that people are just trying to help me. I know I won't always succeed in this, because I do have a duality to my personality, but I'm glad I re-read my post, because it gives me something to work on. By the way, I did not make a smoothie this morning. But I did buy one from Jamba Juice. I made sure it had only fruit (no sherbet or ice cream) and I had them add whey protein. But (sigh) I couldn't bear to add the Kale.

Whatever made me so jaded on Wednesday is still going on this morning. I woke up in a grey place. I just couldn't bring myself to care. Getting dressed? Ha. Ended up with black leggings and a long black tank top that makes me look like I'm going to yoga. Threw a long wrap and a sparkly necklace on and now I just look like a person who did some yoga and then dressed it up a bit. I couldn't bother to make a lunch or a breakfast this morning because I didn't care (thus Jamba Juice and a bagel). Before I left the house, I crawled back into bed with B and just felt like crying. So stupid. Nothing. Absolutely nothing is wrong. I just feel so over getting up and going to work. I really only have a bit over two months left of work and so I just feel completely unmotivated and unfocused. I know that's not fair to my clients and I do care about leaving them all in a good place before I end, but I could care less about meetings or paperwork or my colleagues. Wow, I sound like a spoiled brat. I think...I think I'm just tired.

Have I mentioned that no one ever talks about how freaking hard pregnancy is??

And I should say that this is no where near as hard as the first trimester. That was pure hell. I'm feeling okay, really. A bit of nausea creeps back in the mornings. My back is sore in the evenings. I am having a lot more trouble sleeping at night. But really, overall, I feel fine. And I like being pregnant. It's just hard today I guess.

Sorry for the dreary Friday morning blahness. I hope you all are having a better morning than I am. Please have a mocha for me and send me some positive thoughts to stop being such a prima donna. OH, hey, here's a positive: Less than 100 more days until I meet my little boy!


  1. OK, I'm just going to say that there is NOTHING wrong with being sarcastic about Kale. Or when people recommend you eat more Kale. And honestly, eat what you want. Who cares. I'm with you, the whole mommy mafia thing drives me CRAZY. It's great if you want to focus on eating acai berries and 'energy' and whatever else, it does not make me a bad mother for mostly caring about ice cream.

    And yes, you chose to go down this route, it doesn't mean you were lobotomised at the same time! Take the bits you like, ignore the bits you don't. You are doing a grand job. x

  2. 100 days. That will go by so quickly!
    I love the bump pictures you posted recently; looking good!!!

    I am enjoying reading your posts. You may not realize it but you have changed in voice so much since you started writing and it is awesome to "hear" you becoming a mommy. Take care, love.

  3. Girl, you sound like me yesterday. Just a totally BLAH kind of day. I hope the weekend treats you well! Thinking of you :-)

  4. Oh hugs. I wish this weekend will be good, maybe do a mix of taking it easy and doing fun stuff? Movie in the couch with delicious food that you could order? I hope it gets better. And 100 days ! Wow! Exciting!

  5. Pregnancy and working full time is f*cking hard. I'm a middle school teacher and I was working full time during my first pregnancy up until the day I went into labor. I was also tutoring after school during the whole pregnancy too. And I was miserable and exhausted. It was so hard.

    This time I have a three year old at home and you know what they say...there is no rest for the weary. I truly don't know how I'm going to make it to the end this time. I'm 80% starting in the fall, but I'm also going back to work at 32 weeks and working until I go into labor again. Plus coming home to be with my three year old so yeah... I'm a bit terrified. I know what you mean when you say it's hard. No one talks about that, especially not in the ALI community. When you've been through so much to get pregnant and know of so many people who are still trying, it can feel wrong to write about the negatives. And yet it's important that we do so. It's a brutal Catch-22.

  6. I totally understood your last post! It cracked me up! It was funny and not serious. I like when you write like that. :-) I guess it's hard to translate to some people via the internet.
    I'm sorry you're feeling blah. :-( Pregnancy + working + everything else is definitely difficult! You're doing really great momma! Keep hanging in there. Hugs!!

  7. I'm at the end of my first trimester and feel the same way you do now. Oh, so tired. Pregnancy is one of the hardest things I've ever done. Yes, it's worth it in the end, and we tried hard to get here, but that doesn't change the fact that it's fucking HARD.

    I do remember feeling this way in my 3rd trimester, too. And also that it was intermittent, and not daily like the 1st - so I hope the same holds true for you! I hope this weekend is recharging for you and you start the next week off feeling much better. (Maybe some kale would help.)

  8. Sorry you are feeling blah. I'm feeling like that a bit myself these days. Just tired and so over my job. Sometimes I feel like crying when there is absolutely nothing wrong. It's crazy and it's hard but it will all be worth it in the end. Hope you feel more upbeat soon :)

  9. I'm back to blah myself, so I hear ya. Not near as bad as in the beginning, but no sunshiny burst of second trimester energy for me. Just more nausea and exhaustion. :(

    But - I LOVE feeling the baby move. It kinda makes up a little for all the nausea. :)


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