A long time ago, I wrote a post about the things I would miss if I got pregnant. All I could come up with were horseback riding and wine. Up until very recently, I haven't missed either. And then slowly, as I started to get better, I started to miss them a bit more.
Horseback riding? At first, I agonized over this. I debated how long to keep riding (some women ride right up until they can barely straddle the damn saddle) and stressed over whether I needed to stop. But then, right after I made the decision to stop, I started to get so sick that there was no way I could have gotten anywhere near a horse, much less stayed on. But now, I do find myself starting to miss it. I miss it because it was my special thing I did for myself and I miss the quiet time with the horses and the pushing myself to do something physical and mental at the same time. But it's not really that bad. I know I will have it again in my life and I feel content to wait on it.
My beautiful, amazing horse and I, in college days.
But wine?? Well that's another story. First of all, similar to horseback riding, there was no way in hell you could have gotten me near a glass of wine (or any type of alcohol for that matter) for the first 16-18 weeks or so. But lately, now that I'm feeling pretty damn great, I find myself craving the wine. Seriously. I'm craving the ritual of pouring the much-anticipated-glass at the end of the night, or sharing a bottle with my husband by a campfire, or spending a day wine tasting and slipping away into nothing but the flavors. Mostly, I'm missing the instant relaxation the glass of wine gives me. Now, I know you all are probably thinking, so, just have a glass of wine...it won't kill you (or the baby). In fact, when I was going through the stress of the Mexico-incident, my midwife recommended a glass of wine. But, in ironic contrast to my love of wine, I am also strongly against imbibing it during pregnancy. Please don't get me wrong. I won't judge you if you decide to partake. It's up to you. But I've just dealt with too many kids with cognitive disabilities to chance having to live through the guilt of even the remotest chance.
So I abstain. And each day, I miss it more and more. I think it's because, right now, I don't feel pregnant, I just feel normal. Normal enough to get stressed over stupid things, normal enough to feel healthy and strong, and so I keep thinking...hey, you know what would be good right about now?? You know what is funny about it? Everyone who knows me keeps asking, So, how's it been without any alcohol? And I think to myself, Wow, they must really think I'm a lush. So far, I can honestly say it hasn't been too bad at all. But as time goes on, I may have to admit my inner wino is screaming.
Oh, but my midwife ALSO recommended a glass of wine during labor. Now that (for some odd reason), I CAN get on board with!
In the same post where I mentioned that I would miss horses and wine, I also said something flippant like, "I know I won't miss my non-pregnant body. I'm willing to sacrifice that." Later, after I wrote it, I thought that might have been a little naive of me and I might find myself eating my own words.
But, so far, at 22 weeks with a COMPLETE shift in the shape and look of my body, I am not going back on my words. Now, I know things could change later on when I blow up like a balloon and am criss-crossed with the calligraphy of stretch marks, but right now? Right now, I am loving my pregnant body. I love the roundness, the femininity, the sexuality, the ripeness...oh god, I sound like I'm either describing sex or a really ripe peach. But honestly, I love it. I love to look at myself in the mirror (clothed or unclothed). I love to touch my own stomach and breasts. I like wearing clingy dresses and I'm even not minding bikinis.
Now, before you get up in arms and start to hate me because you're picturing a pregnant fertility Barbie doll or something, let me tell you, I have plenty of things I could focus on not to like. Such as, love handles that are prominent in ANYTHING I wear, including (probably) a completely padded snow suit. Enormous, itchy, stretched out thighs. And arms that have turned into soft pillowy tubes of dough that seem to expand by the day. But it's okay because, well, I LIKE it. I feel like I look like a real woman. (Have you ever seen Real Women Have Curves?) As someone who's been pretty thin her whole live, I like oozing this curviness. So far, I feel good about myself.
I will check back in with you all when I am 37 weeks and see if I am still loving my body. Oh, and post-partum body? I am not looking forward to looking like a wrinkled, deflated peach. Oh well.
Oh, and ONE more thing that I miss. Something I didn't mention in my previous post because it seemed trivial and insignificant (what was I thinking??). This is something that I didn't realize was a silent friend getting me through my mornings and afternoon slumps. The thing I turned to when I needed to get through a mountain of work and needed something to boost me up and get me through. Have you figured it out yet?? CAFFEINE, oh how I miss you!!
And to end this post in a sufficiently random, disjointed way (oh, so me), I just wanted to update you that I achieved a hurdle this weekend that I would have never been able to accomplish in my first trimester. I went to Disneyland! And I'm serious people, this is a big deal. I even wrote a post in the first Trimester about how the Happiest Place on Earth could go fuck itself, or something along those lines. But now? The magic is back! My friend was visiting from out of town with her husband and 2-year-old and 2-month-old daughters. How could I pass it up? It was 90+ degrees at DL, but I did okay. I was SO proud of myself. I was also completely fascinated by her newborn and how amazing she was. She kept the baby in a wrap most of the day and I left convinced that I needed at least three Moby Wraps, in 3 different colors, since I would probably be wearing my baby at all times. Who needs a Bugaboo stroller anyway??