Monday, May 19, 2014

Let's give this another try...

Well, I'm still here. But my blog sits neglected and dusty in a corner somewhere. I didn't even dust it off to reminisce and ponder the fact that my baby has now been alive for half of a year. And if I couldn't be bothered to write about that, well then, it's possible this blog is done. But then, a night creeps in like tonight, when everything is quiet and I wonder...what is going on in the blogosphere? What is going on with those wonderful women who saw me through my pregnancy and those first oh so difficult weeks of Owen's life?

So, I'm going to write a bit, and see what happens.

Tonight is quiet. B is up in LA, staying overnight for work. Owen went to bed early. So I am listening to the emptiness of the air conditioning. There is so much to say and all will seem mundane if I type it into words. You can't describe chubby thighs wobbling as they quiver to standing. Or how intently he tries to learn each piece of the world. Or the way he melts into my neck when I pick him up in the middle of the night. How do I tell you these things? How do I tell you about him laughing in the pool today, or him crying when he falls down, or his giggles as he touches my neck while he nurses to sleep? Either you know...and you get it...or it is just mine. My little mundane moments of motherhood.

I am rambling. Maybe this is why I don't blog anymore. I'm not the same, systematic person I was before. During my pregnancy, I diligently categorized each symptom, trimester, and important event. I explained it in linear, detailed form. And now, while there is so much to report, my brain seems to not work that way any more. Instead, I think in moments. Owen crawling across the floor at five and a half months. Owen sick with a cold, sleeping on my chest. Owen pulling himself to standing for the first time. Owen taking his first tentative steps, cruising along the couch. Owen, Owen, Owen.

I live in these moments. I live in yoga pants. I live sitting on the floor. I live watching. Watching him.

How did this happen? Where am I? Where is the person who worked so hard at her career and took so much pride in her identity as an intellectual, driven woman? Where is the woman with a sexual, feminine side? Where is the person who brushed her hair and painted her toenails? Where is the person who thought about things other than...him?

I could take this post into a long commentary on being a stay at home mom. But...the cat just settled down on my lap and I smiled. I smiled and realized I don't really care enough to write about it. Why not? Because I am just happy. Happy in this moment. Happy in these moments. For the first time that I can remember since being a little girl, I don't...yearn for things, worry about things, agonize over things, dread things...I just am. Just happy. How amazing is that?

Not saying life isn't hard. Because I am ridiculously exhausted, physically and emotionally. I crave time to myself. I miss things. But...for now, this is where I am. And I know it's not forever. I know I will go back to having multiple facets to my identity. But for now, this is It.

One Week to Six Months


  1. He's beautiful. Thanks for sharing all the gorgeous pictures. And for checking in. You sound blissfully happy and that is awesome. I'm so glad you're so enjoying your time with him.

  2. Yep, that sounds about right! Because I've always blogged about a range of life stuff, I feel bad when It's just M, M, M in post after post. But what else is there? I fit in work and projects around the edges, but I spend most of the day on the floor with M, watching her grow. She's dancing now! To music! What could be better than that?

  3. It sounds like you are in a wonderful (even if exhausted) place! And, oh my goodness, Owen is so adorable! I love how he seems to be best friends with the kitty, and I can't believe he is already pulling to standing at 6 months! That's amazing. Thanks for stopping by to update, I always enjoy reading your posts.

  4. I loved reading this! Like you, I am struggling with blogging in this "My little mundane moments of motherhood" headspace. Life is good, as it is with a baby you have longed for. Life is hard, as it is with a baby always. I'm so glad, however, for every update you post and hearing how things are for you. Owen is beautiful!

  5. Love this post. :) The pictures are beautiful and say it all. Enjoy every moment, momma!

  6. I'm glad you popped in to say hi, but I totally understand that blogging may not give you what it gave you before. I've gone through phases where I didn't feel like blogging too. Maybe you will come back - I hope so - but if not, best of luck to you and your beautiful family :)

  7. There's no rules here... I think posting less frequently after parenthood is just inevitable. But anytime you do think of a post, I know many of us would love to hear it! It's up to you, of course. I can appreciate a lot of your emotions here, and I can only hope that soon I'll be living in the moment a lot more, too.

  8. I envy your new ability to just live in the moment. Despite my best efforts, motherhood has not brought that out in me. I just feel like there is always so much I need to do. I'll keep working at it, though.
    Owen really is so damn adorable. I just can't get over that he is standing and trying to walk. That kid is not waiting around!

  9. I miss your blogging lady but am so glad to hear that you are happy! :-) Owen is super adorable and I can't believe that he is already standing and trying to walk!!


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