Hey, so people are starting to visit my blog fairly regularly. Note that I say "visit." I can track how many people came here, but no idea if anyone actually reads it. But, aside from a couple of new friends (Thanks girls!), no one has been brave enough to leave comments yet. So...I'm just curious...."Is Anybody Out There???"
If you're out there and reading this on the day before Thanksgiving, why don't you leave a comment to let me know you're alive? Let us all know what your plans are for tomorrow? Will you have a big feast? Will it be with friends or family? What is your favorite part of the meal?
I don't have much time to write today (feverishly trying to get my work done so I can leave work early today), but I'll start you off:
My husband and I are hosting Thanksgiving. It's starting to become a bit of tradition. My mom, aunt, and cousin flew in last night from Oregon. My sister, her roommate, and her sister's roommate will come over tomorrow for dinner. As will our best "couple friends" who are so close that they are basically family. We'll get up at a leisurely time (maybe 9:30 or 10:00ish?) and get the turkey on. Then we'll make a big breakfast together, just family. Then we'll all get a little crazy and cook a LOT. We won't eat until later, maybe 6:00ish?, and mostly the day will just be about hanging out together and eating and drinking.
Did I mention the up side of getting my period is I can drink really good wine?? Well, I could also drink bad wine, but I prefer to stay with the good stuff for Thanksgiving ;)
Anyhow, Happy Turkey Day to all of you and I hope to get some responses about your favorite part of the meal. Oh wait, I forgot to answer that part myself. Hmmm. Is it silly if I say my favorite part of the Thanksgiving dinner is the gravy?? :)
Cheers!
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Putting Things In Perspective
So this post will kind of be two posts in one. One is an update on me and where I am in my cycle. The second is about a friend and where she is at in hers.
Post #1: CD1
So I woke up this morning and my temp had plummeted again, all the way down to the lowest pre-O temp. I went into the bathroom and yep, my period has arrived. I keep expecting to have some kind of strong emotional reaction to this, but really the only emotions I'm having are a tiny bit of disappointment, a sense of relief (because of the surgery), and excitement. Excitement because I feel like Cycle 1 was kind of a bust due to having the surgery at 3DPO and now for Cycle 2 and I get to start fresh. Maybe get a Christmas positive pregnancy? Also, on a selfish note, excitement because I can enjoy drinking good wine and food during Thanksgiving this week :)
So for my first cycle off birth control, here's my stats:
35 Days Total.
Ovulation: CD24.
Luteal Phase: 11 Days (started AF on LP12).
Overall, I don't think its too bad considering it's my first natural cycle off birth control in 13 years. Would I like it change somewhat? Sure, I would love to ovulate earlier and I'm a little worried about my luteal phase length. Does anyone know if this may get longer as my body regulates itself more? I know less than 10 is considered worrisome, but how about 11? I'd be happier with 12+....
So that's me. Starting fresh. Back to day one. You can bet I will be welcoming in Cycle 2 with a glass of wine tonight :)
Post #2: 9 Flowers
The second post is for my friend. While I am just starting Cycle 2, she is on 2 years of trying and fighting a variety of infertility-related diagnoses. I mentioned her earlier in a post and her story just continues to amaze me. Watching her struggle with this, watching her grace and strength as she and her husband try to make difficult decisions and choices...it is powerful. I know that her story may seem no different (and yet it is unique) than many of the other women on infertility blogs and forums, but it is closer to me and therefore more present for me.
So why am I posting about this today?
Well, this month is her first cycle of IVF. She will be having egg retrieval next Monday and is going through more than I can imagine this week. So yesterday I received a group email from her to all of her friends, asking us to make a bouquet of 9 flowers, to represent her 9 follicles that she is attempting to grow. She admitted it seems a little cheesy, but asked us all to watch the flowers and think of her. I thought it was really, really sweet.
When I emailed her the photo of my flowers, I admitted to her that I had cheated somewhat and recycled flowers from all of the bouquets I received after surgery (Hey, you guys know how busy I am!). But I actually kind of like the idea of sharing love and combining flowers from different bunches to make a special one just for her.
So, here you go. If anyone wants to send some thoughts out for these little blooms, I'm sure it would be appreciated.
Post #1: CD1
So I woke up this morning and my temp had plummeted again, all the way down to the lowest pre-O temp. I went into the bathroom and yep, my period has arrived. I keep expecting to have some kind of strong emotional reaction to this, but really the only emotions I'm having are a tiny bit of disappointment, a sense of relief (because of the surgery), and excitement. Excitement because I feel like Cycle 1 was kind of a bust due to having the surgery at 3DPO and now for Cycle 2 and I get to start fresh. Maybe get a Christmas positive pregnancy? Also, on a selfish note, excitement because I can enjoy drinking good wine and food during Thanksgiving this week :)
So for my first cycle off birth control, here's my stats:
35 Days Total.
Ovulation: CD24.
Luteal Phase: 11 Days (started AF on LP12).
Overall, I don't think its too bad considering it's my first natural cycle off birth control in 13 years. Would I like it change somewhat? Sure, I would love to ovulate earlier and I'm a little worried about my luteal phase length. Does anyone know if this may get longer as my body regulates itself more? I know less than 10 is considered worrisome, but how about 11? I'd be happier with 12+....
So that's me. Starting fresh. Back to day one. You can bet I will be welcoming in Cycle 2 with a glass of wine tonight :)
Post #2: 9 Flowers
The second post is for my friend. While I am just starting Cycle 2, she is on 2 years of trying and fighting a variety of infertility-related diagnoses. I mentioned her earlier in a post and her story just continues to amaze me. Watching her struggle with this, watching her grace and strength as she and her husband try to make difficult decisions and choices...it is powerful. I know that her story may seem no different (and yet it is unique) than many of the other women on infertility blogs and forums, but it is closer to me and therefore more present for me.
So why am I posting about this today?
Well, this month is her first cycle of IVF. She will be having egg retrieval next Monday and is going through more than I can imagine this week. So yesterday I received a group email from her to all of her friends, asking us to make a bouquet of 9 flowers, to represent her 9 follicles that she is attempting to grow. She admitted it seems a little cheesy, but asked us all to watch the flowers and think of her. I thought it was really, really sweet.
When I emailed her the photo of my flowers, I admitted to her that I had cheated somewhat and recycled flowers from all of the bouquets I received after surgery (Hey, you guys know how busy I am!). But I actually kind of like the idea of sharing love and combining flowers from different bunches to make a special one just for her.
So, here you go. If anyone wants to send some thoughts out for these little blooms, I'm sure it would be appreciated.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Hey, Calm Down!!
So, I think that's it. Honestly, it would be a bit of a relief. I told my husband last night that if I find out I'm pregnant in this cycle I will have 9 months of worrying about whether the surgery had negative effects. I would seriously rather just wait a cycle and try again than have to go through that.
In the meantime, I have to get through the next three days. I work from 8am to 8pm (plus commute time) today *insert whiny moan here* and then two more long days tomorrow and Wednesday. When I get home tonight I have to clean up my house because my family gets in tomorrow for the Holiday. I'm totally looking forward to seeing them, but feel bitter that, because of taking time off last week, I won't be able to spend time with them until Thursday.
I wish I could practice what I preach and use some coping skills or mindfulness to decrease my anxiety. I feel like something is hanging over my head...like I'm forgetting to do something...or something bad is about to happen. I guess that's the definition of free-floating anxiety, hey? But damn, it sucks. Ok, here's my plan: Get through the next 7 hours at work ( 7 hours?!? ), drive home while listening to relaxation music on Pandora, make a simple, no-cooking dinner for my poor, sick husband and I, and then put on some Xmas music while I clean my house and hang some Xmas decorations in an attempt to be festive. Good plan...how am I going to manage it without breaking down?
Step 1 - deep, diaphragmatic breathing.
Ok, somewhat better.
Step 2, remind myself that it's only three days and, as my husband always says, you can do anything for just a short period of time. After that, Thanksgiving, family and good food!
Yes, good point.
Step 3, get my ass to work and stop writing this blog about how anxious I am because I'm behind on my work!!
Wow, ok.....
Oh, and here's a little relaxation recommendation for all of you (mostly for me): check out this website at calm.com. You can pick your own relaxation scene at the bottom of the page and select a mini-relaxation session of 2 minutes or go for the whole 10 minutes (yeah, right, who has time???). I like the site, but it makes me a little sad to realize that other countries, other lifestyles, other cultures have actual built in down-time where you look at actual nature, not just a computer screen. Oh well, this'll do for now.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Sticky Fingers
So I bought a pregnancy test today. This is the first time I bought one while actually hoping to be pregnant. The funny part is, I realized why everyone likes to order their tests online. Holy shit, why do they have to make buying a pregnancy test such a humiliating experience? I walked into the store and realized that all of the pregnancy tests are stored in giant, shiny, plastic boxes the size of shoe boxes. Right next to the super-ribbed, extra large condoms that are also in giant plastic shoe boxes. So, your only choice is to take one of those giant boxes and carry it around the store until you get to the check out aisle where the clerk can't just pretend she doesn't notice what you're buying, because she has to set it aside while she rings up the rest of your groceries and then get out the special key to open the treasure box, ALL so you can have your pregnancy test. WOW.
All I can say is, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, kind lady at the check out stand who did not make a cheesy joke about "Oh boy, I don't know whether to wish you luck or congratulate you" or "Does your husband know?" or "Ohhhh a bun in the oven??"
I tried to think about why I, a successful, Ph.D.-educated, married woman is embarrassed to buy a pregnancy test? I mean, there is nothing wrong with buying a pregnancy test. In fact, it should be exciting and wonderful, right? I guess it's just because buying a pregnancy test is a personal thing. Making a baby is a personal thing. How you make a baby is a personal thing! So, having to announce to the world (ok, not the world, just the check-out lady, bag boy, and 2 or 3 people in line behind you) that you are hoping (or fearing) you may be pregnant is not exactly my favorite thing.
I guess there's a reason both the pregnancy tests and condoms are locked up, huh?
Wait. Did I just compare myself to teenage kids who steal condoms out of embarrassment??
Annnnnyhow, back to being a 30-year-old grown-up. The point is, I bought a test. A 2 for 1. That means I have two chances to test. As mentioned in my previous post, I am going to try to stay with my more rational side and not start testing tomorrow at 10 DPO. My goal is to test on Thanksgiving morning. If that is negative, I will test again on Friday....
This is the kind I bought. Is the digital one good? Everyone on the forums seems to always be squinting to look for barely-there lines. I'd rather just be sure. What's the catch? The cost? Because I can definitely see the cost as a major drawback. Damn. I see why people buy those dollar store tests....
All I can say is, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, kind lady at the check out stand who did not make a cheesy joke about "Oh boy, I don't know whether to wish you luck or congratulate you" or "Does your husband know?" or "Ohhhh a bun in the oven??"
I tried to think about why I, a successful, Ph.D.-educated, married woman is embarrassed to buy a pregnancy test? I mean, there is nothing wrong with buying a pregnancy test. In fact, it should be exciting and wonderful, right? I guess it's just because buying a pregnancy test is a personal thing. Making a baby is a personal thing. How you make a baby is a personal thing! So, having to announce to the world (ok, not the world, just the check-out lady, bag boy, and 2 or 3 people in line behind you) that you are hoping (or fearing) you may be pregnant is not exactly my favorite thing.
I guess there's a reason both the pregnancy tests and condoms are locked up, huh?
Wait. Did I just compare myself to teenage kids who steal condoms out of embarrassment??
Annnnnyhow, back to being a 30-year-old grown-up. The point is, I bought a test. A 2 for 1. That means I have two chances to test. As mentioned in my previous post, I am going to try to stay with my more rational side and not start testing tomorrow at 10 DPO. My goal is to test on Thanksgiving morning. If that is negative, I will test again on Friday....
This is the kind I bought. Is the digital one good? Everyone on the forums seems to always be squinting to look for barely-there lines. I'd rather just be sure. What's the catch? The cost? Because I can definitely see the cost as a major drawback. Damn. I see why people buy those dollar store tests....
Friday, November 16, 2012
The Statistics of Princesses
Ok, so I apologize to the small number of people who may be reading this (IS anyone reading this??) who were subjected to my pitiful whining last night. Basically, I had a hard day and was feeling stressed, tired and lonely.
Today I went back to work for a few hours and then for a follow up appointment to get my stitches out. It felt good to get back to work. It also felt good to have the stitches out. Like everything is back to normal.
I also started to get secretly hopeful again about maybe the surgery didn't ruin our chances this month. I'm at 8DPO and I had a drop in my temps today. Possibly implantation?
Ha. I have to laugh at myself. Researching all of this stuff has included a mixture of reading forums and reading actually scholarly articles. It's almost like it represents two different sides of me. The side of me that has a doctorate and believes in randomly controlled trials realizes that there is very likely no such thing as an implantation dip. It's an illusory correlation. Some women get a dip in their temperature halfway through their luteal phase. Of those women who get a dip, some of them get pregnant. Some of them don't. Obviously the predictive validity here is pretty low. In lay man's terms, it's just a damn coincidence.
But the part of me that likes to be hopeful and optimistic and excited likes to read the forums and buy into urban legends. Like, when my FF app says to me "You are at 8DPO, you may experience an implantation dip today" and HOly Shit, I DO experience a dip...well that is just freakin' exciting. This is the same part of me that wants to buy into the whole "hmmm maybe I should pee on a pregnancy test in a couple of days because there is a less than 10% chance it COULD tell me something super early!!" Ha. The researcher in me has read the studies and knows that the majority of women are just wasting their time peeing on anything before 14DPO. I mean really, you might as well draw some lines on a tongue depressor and pee on that. But the Rapunzel-in-a-Turret side of me whispers, "Oh go on...pee on a stick...you might be in the 10%!!"
Well, tiny group of readers, what kind of person are YOU? A researcher who looks at facts? Or a princess in a tower, dreaming of a Happily Ever After?
Today I went back to work for a few hours and then for a follow up appointment to get my stitches out. It felt good to get back to work. It also felt good to have the stitches out. Like everything is back to normal.
I also started to get secretly hopeful again about maybe the surgery didn't ruin our chances this month. I'm at 8DPO and I had a drop in my temps today. Possibly implantation?
Ha. I have to laugh at myself. Researching all of this stuff has included a mixture of reading forums and reading actually scholarly articles. It's almost like it represents two different sides of me. The side of me that has a doctorate and believes in randomly controlled trials realizes that there is very likely no such thing as an implantation dip. It's an illusory correlation. Some women get a dip in their temperature halfway through their luteal phase. Of those women who get a dip, some of them get pregnant. Some of them don't. Obviously the predictive validity here is pretty low. In lay man's terms, it's just a damn coincidence.
But the part of me that likes to be hopeful and optimistic and excited likes to read the forums and buy into urban legends. Like, when my FF app says to me "You are at 8DPO, you may experience an implantation dip today" and HOly Shit, I DO experience a dip...well that is just freakin' exciting. This is the same part of me that wants to buy into the whole "hmmm maybe I should pee on a pregnancy test in a couple of days because there is a less than 10% chance it COULD tell me something super early!!" Ha. The researcher in me has read the studies and knows that the majority of women are just wasting their time peeing on anything before 14DPO. I mean really, you might as well draw some lines on a tongue depressor and pee on that. But the Rapunzel-in-a-Turret side of me whispers, "Oh go on...pee on a stick...you might be in the 10%!!"
Well, tiny group of readers, what kind of person are YOU? A researcher who looks at facts? Or a princess in a tower, dreaming of a Happily Ever After?
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Self-Pity Moment
Second update of the day. My stomach hurts where I used to have an appendix. I feel lonely and stressed. I really don't want to go back to work tomorrow. Whine, whine, whine. Speaking of wine, why can't I have any again???
Waiting 'Til Turkey Day
So I think in an earlier thread that I mentioned I am an impatient person? Well, this week has convinced me that is true. I thought that I would love having four forced days off work to just sit and do nothing. The first two days were ok, but yesterday I started to get emotional and antsy and then today I have been a complete wreck.
I think the reason I’ve been such a disaster today is because taking four days off work will have maaajor repercussions for me when I go back tomorrow. Each day I take off equals multiple hours behind. I’m trying to figure out how to be more zen about it. I mean really, I had an operation…I shouldn’t be so stressed about missing some work, right? But ughhh, it’s amazing how much it piles up. Not to mention, with a job like mine, there are people counting on me and when I’m not there…well, anyhow.
I’m going back to work tomorrow and then I’ll leave a little early to get my stitches out. I guess after that, I’m back to real life? Yuck.
I’ve decided to write myself off mentally for this cycle. The chances that I could conceive through all that seem to be extremely minimal. The stupid thing is, according to Dr. Google, it is still possible I could get pregnant. That means abstaining from alcohol while my family is here next week for Thanksgiving? Argh. I don't mind abstaining for a baby, but abstaining for a tiny negligible chance I could be pregnant? That’s hard. I think I’ve decided to take a pregnancy test on Thanksgiving. I’ll be at 14 DPO and so something would hopefully show up then. I don’t even know if I’ll tell my husband I’m taking it. I feel like he and I were so connected on this before the surgery, but now whenever I bring it up, he just tells me not to stress over it.
*Sigh* I guess the good thing about all this is that there really is no crazy-symptom-spotting. As in, did my right eyelid just flutter??? Because, any weird feelings I am having I’m just attributing to the fact that I just had a major organ cut out of my stomach. I mean, twinges in my stomach? Yeah, probably has to do with the missing appendix. Fatigue? Yep, probably has to do with the anesthesia. See how this goes?
So, I guess, here’s waiting ‘till Turkey Day.
I think the reason I’ve been such a disaster today is because taking four days off work will have maaajor repercussions for me when I go back tomorrow. Each day I take off equals multiple hours behind. I’m trying to figure out how to be more zen about it. I mean really, I had an operation…I shouldn’t be so stressed about missing some work, right? But ughhh, it’s amazing how much it piles up. Not to mention, with a job like mine, there are people counting on me and when I’m not there…well, anyhow.
I’m going back to work tomorrow and then I’ll leave a little early to get my stitches out. I guess after that, I’m back to real life? Yuck.
I’ve decided to write myself off mentally for this cycle. The chances that I could conceive through all that seem to be extremely minimal. The stupid thing is, according to Dr. Google, it is still possible I could get pregnant. That means abstaining from alcohol while my family is here next week for Thanksgiving? Argh. I don't mind abstaining for a baby, but abstaining for a tiny negligible chance I could be pregnant? That’s hard. I think I’ve decided to take a pregnancy test on Thanksgiving. I’ll be at 14 DPO and so something would hopefully show up then. I don’t even know if I’ll tell my husband I’m taking it. I feel like he and I were so connected on this before the surgery, but now whenever I bring it up, he just tells me not to stress over it.
*Sigh* I guess the good thing about all this is that there really is no crazy-symptom-spotting. As in, did my right eyelid just flutter??? Because, any weird feelings I am having I’m just attributing to the fact that I just had a major organ cut out of my stomach. I mean, twinges in my stomach? Yeah, probably has to do with the missing appendix. Fatigue? Yep, probably has to do with the anesthesia. See how this goes?
So, I guess, here’s waiting ‘till Turkey Day.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)