Now What??

I wrote this yesterday. Got the courage to post it today.


So I'm writing this post, but I'm not going to publish it yet. Basically, I'm not ready to put it out there yet. No one but myself and my husband know. But...here it goes. We were in Mexico for four days. The whole time I kept thinking, "Wouldn't it be amazing if we found out we were pregnant while in Zihuatanejo?" Zihua has a lot of meaning for us and is connected with a lot of milestones in our life...starting with our Honeymoon. So I thought, what better place to find out we're having a baby? Unfortunately, no positive tests (tested way earlier than normal, from 7dpo-10dpo)....but I didn't worry about it. I felt relaxed, calm, and happy. I wasn't concerning myself about the TWW. No symptom spotting. No real notice at all except peeing on a stick every morning (oh and abstaining from Mexico-drunkenness).

So then we got home. Today, our first morning back, I was dreaming all morning about seeing two lines on a pregnancy test. I could see them so clearly in my dream. I woke up feeling foolish, but decided to just go ahead and take another test. So I peed, set a timer for 2.5 minutes, and started brushing my teeth. At one point I glanced down, thought I saw something, and then told myself I was crazy. When the timer went off, it was there. A barely-there, thin little line, too faint to even tell the color. My lower lip started to shake like a cartoon character and I had to sit on the toilet. I felt like I was still in my dream. I felt silly about waking my husband up for such a faint, faint scratch of a line, but I couldn't help myself.

He rolled over, peered at it bleary-eyed for what felt like an eternity and then said, "Well there's definitely something there."

Shit. Thanks hon, now what???

So what else could I do? I started getting ready for work. When I was all ready to go, I decided maybe I could pee again. Ha. Now we get to the pathetic part. I sat on the toilet, willing my bladder to release, and peed just long enough for 5 seconds of stream. I think I managed to pee all over the test too. Nice. I figured the test wouldn't work, due to limited urine and poor aim. But - two more lines showed up! Darker AND pinker!

I showed my husband again and he compared the two (what a champ) and agreed. And then we just looked at each other like, Now What?

I mean, they're both faint. Nothing to swing from the rafters for. Nothing certain. So what do you do? Should we have cried and hugged and had meaningful talks about our lives changing forever? Should we have stayed home from work to celebrate the amazingness of some barely-there lines? Nah. Not really. We hugged and looked at each other bewilderingly and then I got up and went to work.

Today was a 12 hour day. I'm STILL at work. And all I want to do is stop at the store and buy two more packs of pregnancy tests.

My life could be about to change. Or, it could be a worse crush of hopes than ever before. Who's to say?? Can't wait to find out.

Today's Update? Last night's test was considerably darker than the first two. As in, no need to squint at all. But this morning's? Looks pretty much like last night's. Still dark, but not noticeably darker. Is that a problem? Should I stop comparing? Ugh. This is the danger of testing before your period, huh? I remember when I didn't know all of this stuff about chemical pregnancies and a positive would have been a positive. But now, somehow, I find myself waiting again. Just waiting with a lot more nervous excitement.