Monday, February 4, 2013

Like a Horse and Carriage...

So, let me just say...I am not good friends with this Cycle. My plans for this Cycle were that I would ovulate normally and on time then settle down and calmly wait until Feb. 14th. At which date I would board a plane, fly to Mexico and find out if I was pregnant or not. If pregnant, well then, hooray! If not, commence with margarita and michelada drinking. Both options aren't too shabby.

Unfortunately, my body laughed at my plans. I'm now on CD20 and have yet to ovulate. Oh well, no big deal, right? And yet, that extends my fanciful little timeline and puts me in Mexico right in the middle of my two week wait. Again, some of you might be nodding your little heads and thinking "Good, at least she won't have to deal with her period on a vacation" or "Oh what a relaxing way to spend the two week wait."

Others of you, who have read my blog for awhile, may remember certain references to my affinity for alcohol. And then you will realize that my body's joke of a schedule is going to force me to abstain from drinking *gaSp* while in Mexico!

So, now, you may be wondering "Does this girl have an alcohol problem?" and "Can she even function without alcohol??" and "How the hell is she going to make it as a mother??" Yeah, yeah, I know. But I've realized, after spending about 50% of the time abstaining during this whole thing, just how much alcohol is a part of my life. A glass of wine at night is a ritual for me. About calming down, leaving work behind, slowing myself into the moment. Or, dinner and drinks with friends is about socializing, enjoying the experience, and being young and carefree. When family comes to visit we open a bottle of wine, or go to a new brewery, or go out for a nice dinner with - you guessed it - drinks.

Ok, so now you're not just wondering if I'm an alcoholic. You've probably pretty much confirmed it inside of your own Superego. Right? And I'll admit, my own jury is still out. But in my defense, we're not talking all-out-drinking-until-you-puke, hanging-out-at-bars, crazy-stupid-drunk drinking here. We're talking about expensive wine and really good food. I mean, they just "go together"......

So anyhow. Back to Mexico. When I realized I wasn't going to able to drink my Micheladas in Mexico I got irrationally pissed. Like, seriously, irrationally so. And theeeeeen I started to jump onto the "She's got a problem" bandwagon. What am I complaining about here? I will be in a gorgeous boutique hotel in Mexico and I will be abstaining for something I really, really want. I felt very petty and clouded within my irrational, pouty anger.

But then, I realized. It's not about the alcohol. Ok, well, to be honest, it is a little about the alcohol. But really and truly it's about being in control. Being in control of my body, in control of my plans, in control of my life. And during sometime as basic as making a baby, you are not in control. The silly thing is, I had just started to accept that fact about the fact that this will likely take longer than I had expected/wanted. I had been settling in and realizing that I can make this a part of my life and it doesn't have to be my whole life (you may have noticed less blog posts/comments lately as a result). I was feeling smug and satisfied about this decision. But then, my body. Just. Wouldn't. Ovulate.

Basically, my body is laughing in my face right about now. Plans, schmans. What plans?

So really, I think right now I'm just mad. Mad at not being able to plan things the way I usually do. Not being able to make things go the way I want them to. And I'm not even talking about the whole having-a-baby part. I mean, the process of getting there. It seems somehow cosmically set to teach me a lesson. As in, just roll with it. Stop trying so hard.
So, what do I take away? Should I be more zen about this? Should I discover serenity? I don't really know. I'm too mad to think about it just yet.


  1. Sorry to hear about not ovulating yet. As you know I tend to O late (if at all) so I know how much that sucks. I can also relate to wanting to feel in control but being continuously reminded that when it comes to TTC, you just aren't.

    If it makes you feel any better, there are a lot of women who follow the motto "drink til its pink". I think it's generally safe to have a drink or two during the 2WW. A glass of wine at dinner (or a Michelada) won't hurt. I especially won't worry about it if you're 6dpo or less. Have fun!

  2. The lack of control is, in a word, maddening. Totally hear you on that. Also, for the record, a heady scientific journal says you're probably in the clear:

    Unfortunately, I have the other-side-of-the-coin problem - feeling so out of control in the fertility department that I abstain from alcohol even when I couldn't possibly be pregnant. Ha. Anyway, godspeed to Mexico!

  3. Oh how funny, you girls are picking up on the other side of the coin. How I am trying to control something that I can actually control. I have had lots of people tell me I am being hyper-sensitive and having a few drinks is fine. I definitely am relaxing about that and for sure will have a few drinks while there. I just get so cautious about it because I work with children who have so many developmental disabilities, I just can't imagine...well, you know.

    Sarah, thanks for the article! It makes me feel better to read things in scientific black and white.

  4. Just found the abstract for the corresponding journal article (just cus I'm a dork like that).

  5. You know maybe we do have to learn serenity from all of this. When we were in London I so wanted a Guiness. But I was in the last stretch of the waiting, so I refrained. I was actually 3 days late and hoping. And then I got my period.
    And then, it turned out that we can not do treatment this month because I had a luteal cyst (my corpus luteum decided to stay a bit longer). In such a situation, the doctors refrain from pumping me with hormones. So we have to skip this cycle. Sure we have been trying the regular way, I asked, and I am still supposed to ovulate this month, regardless of the cyst. But that method hasn't worked for us in the past. So now, it's just more waiting.
    Enjoy Mexico though, we used to order "Virgin piña coladas" as kids and they were almost as good as the real deal. I am sure they also do Virgin margaritas, aguas frescas.
    I know it is the hardest / worst advice and you don't want to hear it but try (try I say, I know it is practically undoable) not to think about this (too much).
    Sending you all my love and support.

  6. I actually had a virgin margarita recently and it was delicious but then I am not a big drinker so abstaining is not really something I struggle with. Now, not drinking my own body mass in cups of strong tea every day, that is where I struggle. I hate the control thing. It drives me crazy mad. I am a serious control freak.

  7. Ugh. I'm right there with you. I O'ed on CD25 this past cycle. Almost a week late! BLAH. It certainly feels like our bodies go out of the way to screw with us when we're working on a deadline!

    I believe we've had this alcohol convo before, right? :-) I would say that, if I don't have a problem, you don't either! Seriously though, this is right on:

    "A glass of wine at night is a ritual for me. About calming down, leaving work behind, slowing myself into the moment."

    YES. To all of that!

  8. From the terminally late ovulater: I KNOW, RIGHT?!

    Seriously, when you're in the middle of the TTC situation and everything just seems so much grander in scheme than it really is, shit can STRESS-YOU-OUT.
    When you look down at your round tummy months from now you will laugh a bit.
    But now: it SUCKS.
    I hope you find a way to enjoy Mexico and things work out in a mystically beautiful way.

  9. My husband and I like to have a few drinks during the week and also on the weekend. I've asked myself if we drink too much, but we allow ourselves the excuse that it is in our culture to drink! haha

    I hope you have a great trip to Mexico :)

  10. You know, after I wrote this post I felt a little silly. As in, can you believe I am bitching about something so trivial? But I just wanted to say thanks for getting it, girls :) Also, HiLLjo, thanks for reminding me, in a GOOD way, that it is small and will hopefully seem so in the future!

  11. If blogging isn't for bitching about trivial stuff, what is it for?

    It is seriously no fun not being able to drink during the TWW. And the jury is out on whether light to moderate drinking can even harm a pregnancy anyways, though it's not like it hurts to err on the side of caution.

    Two days after I ovulated, DH and I had a wedding to go to. I wanted to just sample the wine there. He was like, "No! Not if there is any chance whatsoever that my baby is inside you!"

    Got home and I said, "Well, if I'm too potentially pregnant to drink, I'm too potentially pregnant to touch the cat litter. You have fun with that!" It turned out that I was pregnant though, so I guess that worked out.


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