I'm realizing that the impact of this surgery on my mental state is that I'm feeling sad, worried, and impatient during this weird "two week wait" that doesn't really feel like a two week wait. The way I see it, there are only a few options and most of them aren't great:
1) I'm not pregnant. I never was pregnant. I didn't conceive and so there really is no reason to worry at all.
I feel fine about this option. If I never was pregnant, then I didn't lose anything, I didn't cause any harm by having this surgery, and nothing has really changed. With this option, there is no guilt, no loss, no sadness, and no anxiety.
2) I was "pregnant" (can you say pregnant if its three days after conception??) and the surgery will impact such that the egg never implants and never becomes a true pregnancy.
This option is sad. There's no real "guilt" in the traditional sense of the word, because obviously it was something completely out of my control but there is a nagging feeling of sadness that an "almost" was lost. I suppose the good thing about is is there is no way to distinguish between Option 1 and Option 2.
3) I am still "pregnant" and the medications and anesthesia negatively impacted the baby in some way.
This option is tragic. Tragically sad. Not only would it have long-term consequences but I would definitely feel guilt (however irrational that would be).
Basically Option #3 is the worst option.
4) I am still "pregnant" and there are no consequences at all because the egg had not even implanted yet and so none of the medication could impact it at all.
Obviously Option #4 is the best option.
Sooo, right now I'm mostly feeling sad and impatient. Sad that this two week wait is likely not a two week "wait" but just a two week "nothing." And because of that, I'm just impatient to get my period and start over again.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
A "Minor" Interruption
Ok, well, I have a lot to share. First of all, unrelated to TTC, I attended my husband’s first-ever company holiday party for his growing software development company. The party was held on a 3-story boat and it was so beautiful and just perfect. My husband gave a beautiful speech to all of his employees and thanked them and then he thanked me too. It was just such an amazing night and I was so proud of him and couldn’t stop smiling.
Unfortunately, while we were on the boat, I started to have a burning, aching pain in my upper stomach and back. I just thought I must be getting seasick or something but it progressively got worse. That night, I went back and forth between laying on the bathroom floor and pathetically crying/moaning/groaning and throwing up over and over. The next day, the pain had changed and dropped down low in my belly. It hurt to walk and felt like a tugging, ripping feeling. Of course, my husband started asking if I was pregnant and I said there was no way I would have such severe symptoms at 3DPO.
So I sat around all day, trying not to move a lot. But around 5:30, knowing I had to work a 12-hour shift the next day at work, I looked at my husband and asked him to take me to Urgent Care. I thought, well, maybe they can give me some good meds to get me through the work day.
Not quite. The pretty little doctor listened to my symptoms and got this big, doe-like eyes and said “I am very worried about you. You need to go to the ER right now.”
Oh, and she took a pregnancy test. Negative. (Obviously, just 3 days post ovulation!)
So my husband and I debated whether I really needed to go to the ER. I mean, seriously? It was just a stomach ache! But, as he pointed out, when a doctor tells you to go “quickly” to the Emergency Room, you probably shouldn’t argue.
Once at the ER, they through out the words Ectopic Pregnancy, Gall Stones, Appendicitis, and a lot of other scary words. They did another pregnancy test (negative – I kept telling them that there was no way it would show up on a urine test at just 3 days post O, but I guess they didn’t trust my charting abilities! – Ha!) and then did a CT to check my appendix.
In walks the Doctor.
Doctor: “Ok, well, it looks like we’re going to take your appendix out tonight. The surgeon should be here shortly and you should be in surgery in just under 30 mins.”
Me:
One thing you should know about me: I am a fairly healthy (and lucky) person. I have never had any medical problems, don’t routinely have to go to the doctor, and have never, ever had any kind of surgery. Not even dental surgery. As a result, I am DEATHLY afraid of medical procedures, especially surgery. So I started stammering about how couldn’t it “just be a stomach virus?” and then started having a minor panic attack in the ER.
Long story short….they did the surgery. Everything went fine. It was much, much easier than I expected (the whole thing was done laproscopically) and they sent me home the next morning.
BUT the unfortunate, tragic part of this whole ordeal is that it happened in my very first cycle of TTC. Remember how close and connected I had been feeling with my husband? We had just had a wonderful feeling knowing I “could be pregnant” and had felt so excited and happy. Now I feel like, no way could implantation happen after a surgery and anesthesia, and even worse, if it did actually happen, what would it do to the baby?? Ugh. So, aside from the surgery and recovery, I also feel a little bit like a balloon with the air let out of it. Like I was so happy and excited and now just…deflated.
It’s silly I know, because it’s just the very first month. And it’s not like *knock on every type of wood surface imaginable* this type of thing will happen every cycle. It’s just a fluke occurrence. But that doesn’t make me feel good about it.
Oh and how are my husband and I doing? He’s exhausted from taking care of me and is trying to catch up on lost time at work. The rosy feeling seems to have left the building for the day. Poor guy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Post Script: On a funny note, everyone (doctors, nurses, surgeons, etc) kept asking me when The First Day of My Last Cycle was. And, as I mentioned in my previous post, it was the first time in my life I was able to easily answer that question without staring blankly and showing how little attention I pay to my body. Ha.
Unfortunately, while we were on the boat, I started to have a burning, aching pain in my upper stomach and back. I just thought I must be getting seasick or something but it progressively got worse. That night, I went back and forth between laying on the bathroom floor and pathetically crying/moaning/groaning and throwing up over and over. The next day, the pain had changed and dropped down low in my belly. It hurt to walk and felt like a tugging, ripping feeling. Of course, my husband started asking if I was pregnant and I said there was no way I would have such severe symptoms at 3DPO.
So I sat around all day, trying not to move a lot. But around 5:30, knowing I had to work a 12-hour shift the next day at work, I looked at my husband and asked him to take me to Urgent Care. I thought, well, maybe they can give me some good meds to get me through the work day.
Not quite. The pretty little doctor listened to my symptoms and got this big, doe-like eyes and said “I am very worried about you. You need to go to the ER right now.”
Oh, and she took a pregnancy test. Negative. (Obviously, just 3 days post ovulation!)
So my husband and I debated whether I really needed to go to the ER. I mean, seriously? It was just a stomach ache! But, as he pointed out, when a doctor tells you to go “quickly” to the Emergency Room, you probably shouldn’t argue.
Once at the ER, they through out the words Ectopic Pregnancy, Gall Stones, Appendicitis, and a lot of other scary words. They did another pregnancy test (negative – I kept telling them that there was no way it would show up on a urine test at just 3 days post O, but I guess they didn’t trust my charting abilities! – Ha!) and then did a CT to check my appendix.
In walks the Doctor.
Doctor: “Ok, well, it looks like we’re going to take your appendix out tonight. The surgeon should be here shortly and you should be in surgery in just under 30 mins.”
Me:
One thing you should know about me: I am a fairly healthy (and lucky) person. I have never had any medical problems, don’t routinely have to go to the doctor, and have never, ever had any kind of surgery. Not even dental surgery. As a result, I am DEATHLY afraid of medical procedures, especially surgery. So I started stammering about how couldn’t it “just be a stomach virus?” and then started having a minor panic attack in the ER.
Long story short….they did the surgery. Everything went fine. It was much, much easier than I expected (the whole thing was done laproscopically) and they sent me home the next morning.
BUT the unfortunate, tragic part of this whole ordeal is that it happened in my very first cycle of TTC. Remember how close and connected I had been feeling with my husband? We had just had a wonderful feeling knowing I “could be pregnant” and had felt so excited and happy. Now I feel like, no way could implantation happen after a surgery and anesthesia, and even worse, if it did actually happen, what would it do to the baby?? Ugh. So, aside from the surgery and recovery, I also feel a little bit like a balloon with the air let out of it. Like I was so happy and excited and now just…deflated.
It’s silly I know, because it’s just the very first month. And it’s not like *knock on every type of wood surface imaginable* this type of thing will happen every cycle. It’s just a fluke occurrence. But that doesn’t make me feel good about it.
Oh and how are my husband and I doing? He’s exhausted from taking care of me and is trying to catch up on lost time at work. The rosy feeling seems to have left the building for the day. Poor guy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Post Script: On a funny note, everyone (doctors, nurses, surgeons, etc) kept asking me when The First Day of My Last Cycle was. And, as I mentioned in my previous post, it was the first time in my life I was able to easily answer that question without staring blankly and showing how little attention I pay to my body. Ha.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Waiting Begins....
Well, I'd been suspecting for two days now and then FF confirmed this morning: I ovulated!
It feels like it was a long month building up to this. I officially ovulated on CD 24, which is technically considered "late ovulation," but for my very first cycle off birth control, it seems pretty damn good to me. I feel like I joined some kind of club of womanhood, or "Women Who Ovulate." After being on birth control, each step of this cycle has been surprising and exciting to me.
And the best part is, it has brought me closer together with my husband. We've both been so close and felt so connected, it's been wonderful. In a way, I think we both saw trying to have a baby as a much stronger commitment to one another than getting married was. Neither of us wants to have our children experience a divorce, and so having a child together is the real deal. Much easier to separate two adults than to separate a family. Coming to this decision was a hard one, but, in this first month of trying, we talked about how absolutely amazing it was and how happy we both felt.
And so now, the waiting begins.... :)
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Rainy Day Descanso
My job has been crazy busy lately. I actually like the busyness. I thrive on bouncing from one thing to the next. The only problem is, it doesn't leave any time to catch up on paperwork, phone calls, and other hubris that keeps accumulating. Also, it tires me the hell out. I've been working 12 hour days for the past two weeks. Barely time to talk to my husband at night before it's time to go to bed.
But today I had a reprieve. I have switched my work schedule so I now get Thursdays off (plus the usual Saturday and Sunday). What a luxury! Granted, it means I have to fit 40 hours into 4 days, but I was doing that already!
So how did I spend my first Thursday mini-vacation? I slept in, ran some errands, went for a riding lesson, came home, read a book, drank a beer, and now I'm going to go out for a going-away dinner with some close friends. Ahhhhh. Very, very nice. To top it all off, it was a dark, rainy day (as you can see in the picture) and so everything felt cozy. I turned on the heat for the first time this year (yes, we use heat in Southern California) and I'm curled up on the chaise lounge, drinking my beer and wearing my Ugg boots as I write this. Nice.
In terms of TTC, I feel like things have calmed down a lot. I'm still temping and charting, but not really worried. I'm having a lot of symptoms - cramping in my stomach, sensitive breasts, etc, etc, but no changes yet in my temps. So, I'm just... waiting. At first I was really anxious trying to figure it all out. But now I realized, I'm enjoying this time with my husband and connecting with him in a really intimate, exciting way and I'm ok if I don't get pregnant right away.
Hmm. After I wrote that I had two instant reactions. First, it seems awful to say that when I know there are so many women out there battling infertility that would probably be shocked or hurt or...something to hear me say I'm in no big hurry. But, I hope that they would understand that I am just saying, this will happen when it happens and I'm enjoying the journey to get there. My second reaction was a little more is a little more irrational: I freaked out that I might jinx myself by saying I'm in no hurry. Ha! Superstitious, much?
On an unrelated note, here is a cute Instagram I clicked of a little pony at the barn enjoying the cool, rainy day. He kept chasing the other horses around and squealing like a naughty little boy. I told him he would get himself in trouble, and eventually, he did. He ran so fast on the slick mud that his feet went right out from under him and he fell over. Wish I had gotten a shot of that! But then he got right back up and started causing trouble again. Ha!
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Cheers, Obama
I spent the evening with my husband, sister and her boyfriend, toasting the election results at a wine bar near our house. Nice night if I do say so myself.
Oh, and I was inwardly cringing in pain from knife-life stabbing pains in my lower left abdomen that I am hoping are ovulation pains and not the beginning of appendicitis. We'll see tomorrow I guess!
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Balancing Act
So here's what I did today.
I went with my friend and her daughters to an equestrian vaulting workshop. So random and so fun. It was good to do something totally unrelated to work or thinking about TTC. I focused just on myself and learning something new and entirely out of my comfort zone. Aka, standing up on a moving horse. I was surprised how difficult it was!
Here's a recap: We started with some limbering exercises where I proved how incapable I am at touching my own toes. Seriously. Then we practiced doing lifts and jumps onto a pommel horse. Again, it seemed a little too-gymnastic-like for my unlimber body. I mean, they wanted us to hold ourselves up with our arms and do kicks in the air behind us? I can't even do yoga! Wow....Then we started doing yoga positions on a moving horse. At this point, I feel a little more secure, because at least I am comfortable on a horse's back. But then...we practiced standing up. And I realized how scared I was of falling. Funny because I haven't felt afraid like that on a horse's back in sometime. I had to trust my body, trust the horse, and relax my muscles in order to move with the horse. Only when I trusted my body, relaxed, and let go, could I stand up. (Hmmm. Sound like a good message for those who are trying to get pregnant??) At the end of the day, we took turns riding the horse bareback on the lounge line, with arms out in the hair like wings. This is something I used to do when I was learning to ride as a little girl. For some of the adults in the clinic, this was scary and hard. For me, it was like being free.
Anyhow, it was nice because I didn't think at all today about what cycle day I am on or wonder about the future. I was just in the moment. Which, no matter what is going on in your life, is always a good thing.
I went with my friend and her daughters to an equestrian vaulting workshop. So random and so fun. It was good to do something totally unrelated to work or thinking about TTC. I focused just on myself and learning something new and entirely out of my comfort zone. Aka, standing up on a moving horse. I was surprised how difficult it was!
Here's a recap: We started with some limbering exercises where I proved how incapable I am at touching my own toes. Seriously. Then we practiced doing lifts and jumps onto a pommel horse. Again, it seemed a little too-gymnastic-like for my unlimber body. I mean, they wanted us to hold ourselves up with our arms and do kicks in the air behind us? I can't even do yoga! Wow....Then we started doing yoga positions on a moving horse. At this point, I feel a little more secure, because at least I am comfortable on a horse's back. But then...we practiced standing up. And I realized how scared I was of falling. Funny because I haven't felt afraid like that on a horse's back in sometime. I had to trust my body, trust the horse, and relax my muscles in order to move with the horse. Only when I trusted my body, relaxed, and let go, could I stand up. (Hmmm. Sound like a good message for those who are trying to get pregnant??) At the end of the day, we took turns riding the horse bareback on the lounge line, with arms out in the hair like wings. This is something I used to do when I was learning to ride as a little girl. For some of the adults in the clinic, this was scary and hard. For me, it was like being free.
Anyhow, it was nice because I didn't think at all today about what cycle day I am on or wonder about the future. I was just in the moment. Which, no matter what is going on in your life, is always a good thing.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Just Waiting....
So I'm now on CD 19 and waiting to ovulate for the first time off of birth control. I've had some signs that things are happening, but then my temperatures are up and down in such a consistent manner that it really doesn't seem like anything is going to shift.
I started to get a bit impatient about it and then I realized how irrational that is. My body just needs time to readjust after birth control. What made me think my body would just say, "Ok great, so I will adhere to a perfect 28 day cycle after you put random amounts of hormones into me for 13 years? No Problem." The other irrational part is just the fact that I'm even getting impatient. Seriously? Having a baby is a big deal. There is no need to rush it. Both my husband and I will be just fine with a few more months of not-yet-being-parents.
I think part of the problem is I've never really been that great at waiting for anything. It's just never been one of my strong suits. I can hardly wait for the tea kettle to whistle without getting bored or antsy. So, in a way, this is just a way of telling me to chill out and relax. It's only been 19 days. I'm not even outside a "normal" range of ovulation. So just CHILL!
Besides, each day that I haven't ovulated means another day I can guiltlessly indulge in a glass of wine. :)
I started to get a bit impatient about it and then I realized how irrational that is. My body just needs time to readjust after birth control. What made me think my body would just say, "Ok great, so I will adhere to a perfect 28 day cycle after you put random amounts of hormones into me for 13 years? No Problem." The other irrational part is just the fact that I'm even getting impatient. Seriously? Having a baby is a big deal. There is no need to rush it. Both my husband and I will be just fine with a few more months of not-yet-being-parents.
I think part of the problem is I've never really been that great at waiting for anything. It's just never been one of my strong suits. I can hardly wait for the tea kettle to whistle without getting bored or antsy. So, in a way, this is just a way of telling me to chill out and relax. It's only been 19 days. I'm not even outside a "normal" range of ovulation. So just CHILL!
Besides, each day that I haven't ovulated means another day I can guiltlessly indulge in a glass of wine. :)
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