Still waiting........
No period.
No little pink lines.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Monday, January 14, 2013
'Twas the Night Before....
Celebrations are in order! On my third cycle off of birth control my luteal phase has extended by one whole day. My first two cycles it was only 11 days, which, according to some "highly scientific" websites, can be cause for concern (most say...Shut up and stop worrying, you're fine if you're over 10 days). What does this mean? Probably nothing. Maybe it means my body will be better able to create life *insert joyous music here*, maybe it means my body is regulating itself back to its natural, normal state *insert chirping birds and other nature sounds* and maybe it means....
....well, hey, I am a day late, right??
p.s. I realize this post reveals what an obsessive dork I am, but oh well, the whole reason I started this blog is so I could write about my crazy, obsessive thoughts about trying to get pregnant without having to reveal them to people in real life.
p.p.s. You shouldn't get too excited by my naively giddy hopefulness in this posting. Two negative pregnancy tests at 12DPO suggest I am not, in fact, pregnant.
....well, hey, I am a day late, right??
p.s. I realize this post reveals what an obsessive dork I am, but oh well, the whole reason I started this blog is so I could write about my crazy, obsessive thoughts about trying to get pregnant without having to reveal them to people in real life.
p.p.s. You shouldn't get too excited by my naively giddy hopefulness in this posting. Two negative pregnancy tests at 12DPO suggest I am not, in fact, pregnant.
Friday, January 11, 2013
A Losing Battle
Do you know what's dangerous about the two week wait?
Hope is a dangerous thing. Dangerous to have too much of it, dangerous to not have enough of it. I think the reason the two week wait is so volatile is because the hope is like a drug. For two weeks (ok 10-16 days), you could be pregnant. That's different than definitely not pregnant. You do silly things. Like figure out the due date of your possibly-non-existent baby, touch your stomach and wonder, plan for things that will need to be changed, imagine where you will be when you find out, and so on and heart-breakingly so on. It's sweet and exciting and dangerous as hell.
And I am right smack in the middle of it. Well, actually, more like the tail end of it. I made it through the middle just fine with a smug little smile and a pat on the back. Good for me for not going crazy again this month. I've really learned my lesson. I feel so calm, cool and collected.
Enter three days before my period is due (9DPO), and SCREEEEEEEEEEECH....!!!!
All sanity is OUT of the window! I jumped right back to where I was last month. I mean, come on guys, my temp rose AGAIN this morning, for the third day in the row. Must meant something right? Oh, and I was an emotional whirlwind today and ended up telling off my crazy landlord. Oh...sounds like a pregnant lady! And.... and......and....
Wow. Stop. Chill. Will someone please give me a pill to stop the craziness? Too bad wine is currently off limits due to this potential-maybe-baby-idea that is the reason I NEED a glass of wine. Oh the irony.
So I guess, in a roundabout way, that's my cycle update. Hoping to make it to Monday to take a test. We'll see.
p.s. The cat sleeping on my lap and the fact that I'm going horseback riding again this weekend is definitely helping hold the insanity at bay.
Hope is a dangerous thing. Dangerous to have too much of it, dangerous to not have enough of it. I think the reason the two week wait is so volatile is because the hope is like a drug. For two weeks (ok 10-16 days), you could be pregnant. That's different than definitely not pregnant. You do silly things. Like figure out the due date of your possibly-non-existent baby, touch your stomach and wonder, plan for things that will need to be changed, imagine where you will be when you find out, and so on and heart-breakingly so on. It's sweet and exciting and dangerous as hell.
And I am right smack in the middle of it. Well, actually, more like the tail end of it. I made it through the middle just fine with a smug little smile and a pat on the back. Good for me for not going crazy again this month. I've really learned my lesson. I feel so calm, cool and collected.
Enter three days before my period is due (9DPO), and SCREEEEEEEEEEECH....!!!!
All sanity is OUT of the window! I jumped right back to where I was last month. I mean, come on guys, my temp rose AGAIN this morning, for the third day in the row. Must meant something right? Oh, and I was an emotional whirlwind today and ended up telling off my crazy landlord. Oh...sounds like a pregnant lady! And.... and......and....
Wow. Stop. Chill. Will someone please give me a pill to stop the craziness? Too bad wine is currently off limits due to this potential-maybe-baby-idea that is the reason I NEED a glass of wine. Oh the irony.
So I guess, in a roundabout way, that's my cycle update. Hoping to make it to Monday to take a test. We'll see.
p.s. The cat sleeping on my lap and the fact that I'm going horseback riding again this weekend is definitely helping hold the insanity at bay.
Monday, January 7, 2013
One Week Late
Ok, ok, so I realize on a trying to get pregnant blog that the title of this post might be misleading. But no, I'm not pregnant (as far as I know). But I AM one week late in starting my New Year's Resolution. Maybe that's because my resolution was as cliche as you can get and so I'm not shouting it to the rooftops. I mean, really, silly as it sounds......there's not much I want to change. So I didn't have much resolve. Ha.
Anyhow, my Resolution was the same as 96% of all women out there: To Lose Weight. No wait, let me rephrase that. It really is about eating right and eating healthy. No, I swear! The thing is, according to BMI charts, I'm not really that over weight. But according to my frame......I am. So really it's more about being healthy and hoping my body falls into line along the way.
I haven't been influenced by living in LA in such a way that I am about to announce that I'm starting some crazy cayenne-pepper, lemon juice, pickle juice, essence of Crystal diet/cleanse/starvation method. No, actually, believe it or not, I use Weight Watchers. Wow, it's kind of embarrassing to admit that. When you think of WW, what comes to mind for you? Come on......admit it, you're thinking of pre-menopausal women in a room, who survive on eating pre-packaged, frozen WW meals, aren't you?
Well, today's post is to prove to you that it's not that bad. I was introduced to it by a friend who is one of the healthiest, most active, beautiful women I know. And I was always impressed by how healthily she ate. When she admitted she did WW, I was stunned. So, I tried it. Just coming out of graduate school, I was significantly overweight (a common phenomenon for people who overwork their brains and ignore their bodies). So I did it, and lost over 20 lbs. My husband did with me and lost closer to 70 lbs (men lose weight differently......plus, he had more to lose). Anyhow, I'm good at the losing weight part, not as good at the maintaining part, so here I am again. I've decided to document my Mondays and what I eat to hold myself accountable. We'll see how far this lasts, huh?
Soooo, here goes! I hope you enjoy this little photojournal of What I Ate Today (wow, how narcissistic), and if not, you can just go back to doing.....something more important!
Here we go.....
A cup of Huckleberry Tea.
O points.
Breakfast
Banana (0 pts) and Greek Yogurt (3 pts)
Lunch. Check out my cute new bento-style tupperware!
Salad with Homemade Pinot Noir Vinaigrette, sliced grape tomatoes and tuna salad. 5 pts
Snacks!!
0 pts for all of the fruits. 5 pts for cheese & crackers.
Dinner!
6 oz of Chicken, one cup of rice, and asparagus with Tamari-Garlic-Lemon sauce = 13 pts. Can you tell I like carbs more than protein??
Annnnd that's my day! 26 points in total.
That's it. I hope you enjoyed. I hope you realized you actually CAN eat and still lose weight. You don't have to stop eating all together, lose a bunch of weight, and then gain it back when you're done. This is just eating healthier. Period.
Anyhow, my Resolution was the same as 96% of all women out there: To Lose Weight. No wait, let me rephrase that. It really is about eating right and eating healthy. No, I swear! The thing is, according to BMI charts, I'm not really that over weight. But according to my frame......I am. So really it's more about being healthy and hoping my body falls into line along the way.
I haven't been influenced by living in LA in such a way that I am about to announce that I'm starting some crazy cayenne-pepper, lemon juice, pickle juice, essence of Crystal diet/cleanse/starvation method. No, actually, believe it or not, I use Weight Watchers. Wow, it's kind of embarrassing to admit that. When you think of WW, what comes to mind for you? Come on......admit it, you're thinking of pre-menopausal women in a room, who survive on eating pre-packaged, frozen WW meals, aren't you?
Well, today's post is to prove to you that it's not that bad. I was introduced to it by a friend who is one of the healthiest, most active, beautiful women I know. And I was always impressed by how healthily she ate. When she admitted she did WW, I was stunned. So, I tried it. Just coming out of graduate school, I was significantly overweight (a common phenomenon for people who overwork their brains and ignore their bodies). So I did it, and lost over 20 lbs. My husband did with me and lost closer to 70 lbs (men lose weight differently......plus, he had more to lose). Anyhow, I'm good at the losing weight part, not as good at the maintaining part, so here I am again. I've decided to document my Mondays and what I eat to hold myself accountable. We'll see how far this lasts, huh?
Soooo, here goes! I hope you enjoy this little photojournal of What I Ate Today (wow, how narcissistic), and if not, you can just go back to doing.....something more important!
Here we go.....
A cup of Huckleberry Tea.
Breakfast
Lunch. Check out my cute new bento-style tupperware!
Snacks!!
Dinner!
Annnnd that's my day! 26 points in total.
That's it. I hope you enjoyed. I hope you realized you actually CAN eat and still lose weight. You don't have to stop eating all together, lose a bunch of weight, and then gain it back when you're done. This is just eating healthier. Period.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Grapes and Horses
I woke up early this morning because I was having a weird, end-of-the-world, zombie Apocalypse dream in which my husband and I were trying to load the pets into the Range Rover and get the fuck out of town. Don't know if this is a result of the two week long trip we just took with our pets (crazy) or because my husband is obsessed with end of the world movies/tv shows/etc. Annnnyhow. I woke up with my heart racing looking for my survival gear (yes, my husband has packed me a kit of survival gear to keep in my car) and then realized that I was wide awake at 5:00am. Which means when my alarm goes off in two hours I won't have had 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep. For those of you (all of you??) who are experts at temping and charting, you will know that three hours of uninterrupted sleep is some weird Golden Rule of temping. Right up there with, Brush Your Teeth twice a day (I don't always do that), Wash Your Face Before Bed (I never do that) and Remember to Wear Clean Underwear (this I always do!).
Being a bit of a scientist, I understand the reason for this Golden Rule of Sleeping is to create a baseline, decrease confounding variables, and overall decrease your variance in your data. Ok. Got it. But the heart-pounding-terrified-of-Zombies-awake-at-5:00am Me wasn't thinking very scientifically. I just thought "Oh shit! Now I broke the damn Golden Rule."
So I took my temp (97.5) and went back to sleep.
Two hours later, I took it again (98.0). Hmm. Very different temps. (Don't fuck with the Golden Rule, I guess).
Now I know that the increase in temp was likely due to the heavy blanket my husband put on me (how sweet) because I was cold sometime between 5:00 and 7:00. But of course, my mind starting going crazy trying to decide which temp was more accurate, which should I enter into my chart and which would mean I was pregnant, damnit!
Then I came to my senses. What am I thinking? I am 3DPO and my temps do not matter one tiny little bit. Even though people say, "Oh wow, look at that beautiful temp rise!" I have read time and time again that it doesn't matter what the hell your temps do during the two week wait. You're either pregnant or you're not. And staring at your temperatures to try to read a secret message isn't going to change anything.
Soooo....I entered a temp (the first one, 97.5, if you're desperately interested) and vowed to get on with my life.
How did I do that, you might ask? Well, if you'll remember (as I'm sure all of you dedicated fans will), I vowed that if I was Not Pregnant in January one of the things I would do is get back into horseback riding. I had taken some time off for the Holidays and was starting to miss it. In fact, horseback riding and wine are my two main consolations for not yet being pregnant. Because they are two things I know I will have to give up for awhile once I am.
Now, you might think a 31-year-old woman riding horses sounds a little silly. I've heard it all:
"But if you've been riding since you were 10, don't you know how to do it by now?"
"Ohhhh does that mean you go out and ride down the trail?"
"Wait, it's not like it's that much exercise, is it?"
And so on and so on. It makes me think of one of those pictures that were so popular on Facebook for awhile.
You know the ones? Well, this one is pretty accurate, actually. I ride Dressage (note the picture of what I think I do and picture pretty white horses dancing in place and you'll get the idea). Dressage riders are always learning and progressing and many never get to even ride the upper level movements. In other words, it's complicated.
Right now you're probably wondering what this horsey-stuff has to do with getting through the Two Week Wait in one piece? Well, for me, horseback riding is an escape. It turns off my brain and relaxes my body. It helps me to sneak away from reality and is seriously better than going for a spa-day.
Sometimes I get frustrated with it because I no longer own my own horse and I'm not riding competitively like I used and I can't ride as often as I want so I'm basically not...progressing or moving forward at all. I'm just...maintaining. But then, I go out, I smell the horses, I see the mountains, I use my body (not my brain) and I just...forget. It's wonderful. And guess what else? The effect lasts. Here I am, 6 hours later, and still not freaking out about whether I put the right temperature into my silly little chart. So if riding just once a week won't bring me back to the competitive horsewoman I once was and it won't bring back the rock-hard abs I once had (seriously I had a six pack...who said horseback riding isn't good exercise??), at least it helps my sanity.
It brings me closer to the person I want to be.
So, I'll keep riding. And I'll keep dreaming about the day that I can own my own horses again and in the meantime, I will work on being content with what I have. And, I won't give a damn about little things like 3 degrees of difference.
I will leave you with a picture of the horse I rode today. She was once 1st Level California Dressage Champion. Now she's a school horse. I bet she's not stressing over it.
Being a bit of a scientist, I understand the reason for this Golden Rule of Sleeping is to create a baseline, decrease confounding variables, and overall decrease your variance in your data. Ok. Got it. But the heart-pounding-terrified-of-Zombies-awake-at-5:00am Me wasn't thinking very scientifically. I just thought "Oh shit! Now I broke the damn Golden Rule."
So I took my temp (97.5) and went back to sleep.
Two hours later, I took it again (98.0). Hmm. Very different temps. (Don't fuck with the Golden Rule, I guess).
Now I know that the increase in temp was likely due to the heavy blanket my husband put on me (how sweet) because I was cold sometime between 5:00 and 7:00. But of course, my mind starting going crazy trying to decide which temp was more accurate, which should I enter into my chart and which would mean I was pregnant, damnit!
Then I came to my senses. What am I thinking? I am 3DPO and my temps do not matter one tiny little bit. Even though people say, "Oh wow, look at that beautiful temp rise!" I have read time and time again that it doesn't matter what the hell your temps do during the two week wait. You're either pregnant or you're not. And staring at your temperatures to try to read a secret message isn't going to change anything.
Soooo....I entered a temp (the first one, 97.5, if you're desperately interested) and vowed to get on with my life.
How did I do that, you might ask? Well, if you'll remember (as I'm sure all of you dedicated fans will), I vowed that if I was Not Pregnant in January one of the things I would do is get back into horseback riding. I had taken some time off for the Holidays and was starting to miss it. In fact, horseback riding and wine are my two main consolations for not yet being pregnant. Because they are two things I know I will have to give up for awhile once I am.
Now, you might think a 31-year-old woman riding horses sounds a little silly. I've heard it all:
"But if you've been riding since you were 10, don't you know how to do it by now?"
"Ohhhh does that mean you go out and ride down the trail?"
"Wait, it's not like it's that much exercise, is it?"
And so on and so on. It makes me think of one of those pictures that were so popular on Facebook for awhile.
You know the ones? Well, this one is pretty accurate, actually. I ride Dressage (note the picture of what I think I do and picture pretty white horses dancing in place and you'll get the idea). Dressage riders are always learning and progressing and many never get to even ride the upper level movements. In other words, it's complicated.
Right now you're probably wondering what this horsey-stuff has to do with getting through the Two Week Wait in one piece? Well, for me, horseback riding is an escape. It turns off my brain and relaxes my body. It helps me to sneak away from reality and is seriously better than going for a spa-day.
Sometimes I get frustrated with it because I no longer own my own horse and I'm not riding competitively like I used and I can't ride as often as I want so I'm basically not...progressing or moving forward at all. I'm just...maintaining. But then, I go out, I smell the horses, I see the mountains, I use my body (not my brain) and I just...forget. It's wonderful. And guess what else? The effect lasts. Here I am, 6 hours later, and still not freaking out about whether I put the right temperature into my silly little chart. So if riding just once a week won't bring me back to the competitive horsewoman I once was and it won't bring back the rock-hard abs I once had (seriously I had a six pack...who said horseback riding isn't good exercise??), at least it helps my sanity.
It brings me closer to the person I want to be.
So, I'll keep riding. And I'll keep dreaming about the day that I can own my own horses again and in the meantime, I will work on being content with what I have. And, I won't give a damn about little things like 3 degrees of difference.
I will leave you with a picture of the horse I rode today. She was once 1st Level California Dressage Champion. Now she's a school horse. I bet she's not stressing over it.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Dreaming of the Right Now
I have this problem. I didn't realize it was a problem until it was pointed out to me as such. My problem is, I'm a dreamer. I've always been this way. I like to dream about the future. In small ways, as in, next semester of college, things will be better than they are now. Or in larger ways, as in dreaming about living abroad. I like to entwine myself in the dream, spinning it around me until it feels real and until it cushions me from the dullness of the current moment.
Having a dream inspires me and gives me comfort. For example, if I am unhappy with something in my life, I can imagine how it will be different in 6 months, 6 years, etc. Or, if I am feeling down that day, I can dream about my next trip abroad and plan out the details of the trip. For example, my job was stressful today, so I plan the places I want to eat dinner while on our trip to Peru. I always saw it as a way to cope and a way to enjoy things long before they happen.
As I said, it wasn't until recently that I saw this as a problem. It was my husband who pointed it out to me. He said, "You're always talking about mindfulness - being in the moment, but you are always looking forward to the future instead of enjoying the right now. He explained that when i talk so much about our future, it makes him feel like I am not happy with what we have right now.
We have spent a lot of time talking about this, until I think we've reached an understanding. He no longer feels that my dreaming is a direct comment on my happiness in my current life (or worse, my happiness with him) and in fact, he has learned how to join in my dreaming. For example, on our drive home from on holiday break we played the "What will our dream home be like?" game; where we pretend we are architects and design our dream home, all the way down to the stables that will house my horses.
But even though I've learned how to integrate it into my marriage and my husband understands me better, I still believe that his counter-argument holds true. If I am always dreaming of the future, what about being content with right now? Because frankly, my Right Now is pretty damn good. I love my house, I love my career, I love living where I'm living, and I have never been happier in my marriage. It sounds cheesy, doesn't it? Almost gag-me cheesy. But it's true. We are happy. I am happy. And yet, I keep dreaming.
I suppose it always comes back to balance. I can dream all I want, as long as I keep two feet on the floor. I don't want to spend so much time dreaming about my dream home, that I don't look around at where I am right now.
I suppose the more concrete example here has to do with trying to have a baby. I told my husband last night that I was discouraged that I hadn't ovulated yet, because I want my body to hurry up and get back to normal after having been on birth control. We were laying in bed after a particularly amazing, um, experience, and he looked at me like I was crazy and said "But why?" I gave him a bunch of calculated reasons why I want to ovulate on a regular schedule, all having to do with future planning and inevitably ending in (of course) getting pregnant). And he kept looking at me and said, "But right now we are closer than we've ever been. We are enjoying the journey to get pregnant and we will never have this moment again in just this way. So just...enjoy."
Wow. Since when am I married to such a wise, wise man?
Having a dream inspires me and gives me comfort. For example, if I am unhappy with something in my life, I can imagine how it will be different in 6 months, 6 years, etc. Or, if I am feeling down that day, I can dream about my next trip abroad and plan out the details of the trip. For example, my job was stressful today, so I plan the places I want to eat dinner while on our trip to Peru. I always saw it as a way to cope and a way to enjoy things long before they happen.
As I said, it wasn't until recently that I saw this as a problem. It was my husband who pointed it out to me. He said, "You're always talking about mindfulness - being in the moment, but you are always looking forward to the future instead of enjoying the right now. He explained that when i talk so much about our future, it makes him feel like I am not happy with what we have right now.
We have spent a lot of time talking about this, until I think we've reached an understanding. He no longer feels that my dreaming is a direct comment on my happiness in my current life (or worse, my happiness with him) and in fact, he has learned how to join in my dreaming. For example, on our drive home from on holiday break we played the "What will our dream home be like?" game; where we pretend we are architects and design our dream home, all the way down to the stables that will house my horses.
But even though I've learned how to integrate it into my marriage and my husband understands me better, I still believe that his counter-argument holds true. If I am always dreaming of the future, what about being content with right now? Because frankly, my Right Now is pretty damn good. I love my house, I love my career, I love living where I'm living, and I have never been happier in my marriage. It sounds cheesy, doesn't it? Almost gag-me cheesy. But it's true. We are happy. I am happy. And yet, I keep dreaming.
I suppose it always comes back to balance. I can dream all I want, as long as I keep two feet on the floor. I don't want to spend so much time dreaming about my dream home, that I don't look around at where I am right now.
I suppose the more concrete example here has to do with trying to have a baby. I told my husband last night that I was discouraged that I hadn't ovulated yet, because I want my body to hurry up and get back to normal after having been on birth control. We were laying in bed after a particularly amazing, um, experience, and he looked at me like I was crazy and said "But why?" I gave him a bunch of calculated reasons why I want to ovulate on a regular schedule, all having to do with future planning and inevitably ending in (of course) getting pregnant). And he kept looking at me and said, "But right now we are closer than we've ever been. We are enjoying the journey to get pregnant and we will never have this moment again in just this way. So just...enjoy."
Wow. Since when am I married to such a wise, wise man?
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Baby in Your Tummy?
Well, I started off the New Year in the same way I'm sure many other people did - wandering bleary eyed to the bathroom, drinking a huge glass of water, peeing, wandering back to bed, drinking more water, and deciding to go back to sleep. Except...THEN I remembered, Oh Shit! I haven't taken my temperature! So, of course, I did. Which, if all of the things I did before taking it wouldn't have messed up my temperature, I'm sure the fact that I was still probably partially drunk and couldn't figure out how to enter the numbers into my phone didn't help (Picture me, fuzzy, bleary-eyed, and blind without my glasses, tapping ineffectively on my iPhone. Awesome).
SO. Long story short, even though I have a theory I ovulated yesterday, I really have no way to know since my temp jumped so high my chart looks like a cliff face. Haha. I guess I'll just discard today's temp and wait a few more days to see. Anyone else have this problem or am I the only one that decided that splitting a bottle of champagne with my friend was somehow a GOOD idea??
On another note, I wanted to share a cute story that happened last night. We spent most of the night at my friend's house who is currently five months pregnant (No, that is NOT the same friend who split the champagne bottle with me!!). And I got to meet her 18-month-old baby for the first time. She was totally precious and sat with me for half of the night, just playing and snuggling. At one point, my friend told us about how her daughter is confused about the idea of there being a "baby sister in mommy's tummy." And so sometimes she thinks the baby sister is inside of HER tummy, which I thought was adorable. So then my friend start's asking her daughter "Where's your baby sister?" And she pointed at MY tummy! I turned bright red and my friend, who knows I'm TTCing, said "Wow, you better stop drinking that glass of wine!" Ha,ha.
Here's hoping that adorable little toddler knows something I don't, hey?
Last note: Check out one of my Christmas presents.
Cute, hey? But I read through it and there seems to be way more in depth information available on the Internet/forums. Good book to read before you start, I think.
SO. Long story short, even though I have a theory I ovulated yesterday, I really have no way to know since my temp jumped so high my chart looks like a cliff face. Haha. I guess I'll just discard today's temp and wait a few more days to see. Anyone else have this problem or am I the only one that decided that splitting a bottle of champagne with my friend was somehow a GOOD idea??
On another note, I wanted to share a cute story that happened last night. We spent most of the night at my friend's house who is currently five months pregnant (No, that is NOT the same friend who split the champagne bottle with me!!). And I got to meet her 18-month-old baby for the first time. She was totally precious and sat with me for half of the night, just playing and snuggling. At one point, my friend told us about how her daughter is confused about the idea of there being a "baby sister in mommy's tummy." And so sometimes she thinks the baby sister is inside of HER tummy, which I thought was adorable. So then my friend start's asking her daughter "Where's your baby sister?" And she pointed at MY tummy! I turned bright red and my friend, who knows I'm TTCing, said "Wow, you better stop drinking that glass of wine!" Ha,ha.
Here's hoping that adorable little toddler knows something I don't, hey?
Last note: Check out one of my Christmas presents.
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