Flashback - An Unexpected Hospital Visit

So remember how, after our Mexico Incident, I said I just wanted a boring, nondescript pregnancy from then on out? Well, the pregnancy gods granted me that wish. I was feeling calm, happy, healthy and just….good.

Until this morning. I woke up feeling a bit of wetness in my underwear and laid there for awhile thinking it was probably nothing, but finally a nagging feeling in the back of my head convinced me maybe my water had broke, so I got up to check. Now, if my water had broken, it would have been unexpected, as I’m still two weeks from due date and nowhere near ready for this baby to come, but it would have been fine. No big deal. We would have grabbed a few things and then made our way to the birth center.

But it wasn’t amniotic fluid. It was blood. Again. More than there should have been. As in, this wasn’t “bloody show,” this looked like a moderate period. Every time I wiped.

Before I woke B up, I just sat there with this feeling of disbelief and anger that this was happening again. Right when I was feeling so wonderful and calm and ready for labor and then, this. So, I woke B up and set him to work looking for cell chargers, etc, and I called the midwife on call. It was the same midwife who answered my middle of the night phone call from Mexico. I am not kidding when I say I was having real flashbacks to that trauma. She listened for a second and then said, “Ok, take a deep breath. You need to go to the ER.” I knew she was going to say that. That much blood can never be ignored. Even when you are 38 weeks along. But I wasn’t prepared for what she said next – “Are you feeling the baby move?”

Oh my god. No. I wasn’t. But of course, I had just woken up. I had no idea if he’d been moving or what was going on with him. But suddenly I was terrified. The words placental abruption kept flashing behind my eyes. So, I grabbed a jug of orange juice (as instructed) and jumped in the car, chugging OJ as we sped along empty streets of Santa Monica, breaking every traffic law along the way.

And guess what? He moved. He moved 3 times on the way. Thank god.

So, to make a really long story short shortish, we got into Labor and Delivery, tumbled through the confusion of our midwife-out-of-hospital-birth situation and finally got them our back up OB’s number. They hooked me up to a contraction monitor and fetal heart rate monitor, briefly checked my bleeding, told me I wasn’t hemorrhaging, and then left us to wait for the doctor.

I have to say…as someone who is planning an out of hospital birth with minimal interventions, I definitely was LOVING the heart rate monitor at that moment. B and I both closed our eyes and just let his heart rate soothe us. It was so nice to hear his heart beat accelerate nicely as he’d move, or kick the monitor on my stomach.

Finally, the doctor showed up. Now, this is a “back up doctor.” Not someone I have a real relationship with, just someone who does ultrasounds and is willing to meet us at the hospital in a “just in case” scenario. Such as a scenario where you are awoken at 5am by sudden bleeding.

She doesn’t have the best bedside manner, but she is straightforward and to the point. She started with a cervical check. Holy shit. That hurt. The nurse helped me breathe through it, but the doctor looked nonplussed as if she was just digging around looking for the toy in the bottom of a cereal box. The verdict? Only “1-2 cms dilated.” She couldn’t even be specific about which it was? I was only having minor contractions as well, so I clearly wasn’t in labor.

However, after staring at the blood on her gloved hand (again flashback to the cervical check in Mexico), she muttered, “Get me an ultrasound machine. I need to get the placenta.” Remember, I had originally had a marginal placenta previa, which had cleared itself up by our 28 week ultrasound. When she checked today, she said that it was clearly out of the way of the baby’s head and not classified as “previa,” but was still “low.” I was frustrated because she was really wishy washy and wouldn’t (or couldn’t) say if that was the cause of bleeding or how that could affect my birth plan to have an out of hospital birth.

She did throw around the “C word” way too much for our comfort. Talking about if it were a previa, then we would need a c-section. But when I continually clarified that it isn’t a previa, she said confirmed that it wasn’t. Her concern is that, as I start to dilate, my cervix could extend up and past the placenta. But she wasn’t sure. Again, I was so frustrated because the perinatologist we saw at 28 weeks was easily able to measure from my cervix to my placenta and give me a straightforward answer that there was plenty of room for a vaginal birth. She wouldn’t do that.

So now, here I am. Waiting. Waiting for answers. Waiting for labor. Waiting to know.

Monday morning we go in to see this doctor again for another ultrasound and to discuss more. That afternoon we will meet with the midwife to discuss the doctor’s appt. And basically, we will go from there. In the meantime, if I start bleeding again, or go into labor before we know more, it looks like I will be having a hospital birth for sure.

At this point, I don’t know what to think. Part of me wants to throw the whole birth center idea out the window. Who cares about birthing in a beautiful birth suite? Who cares about laboring in a luxurious tub? Who cares about having respectful, caring, supportive midwives tending to me during labor? I just want everything to be safe.

But on the other hand, I remember the perinatologist telling us that I may have bleeding again in the pregnancy and that’s no big deal and not a risk to the baby and that the placenta was just fine. I trusted him way more than I trust this other doctor, who seemed so ambiguous in her responses. Also, the midwife said, as long as the baby isn’t at risk (this was confirmed that he’s not), we could always just go to the hospital during labor if I started bleeding, just like we did today.

So I don’t know what to think. My two sides are battling it out again. Really and truly I’m just scared if I go to the hospital, I will end up with a cesarean. The doctor kept saying how “great” it was that the OR was so close. And that really is true. As long as it’s really needed. I just don’t want to jump to any conclusions here.

The truth is…no one seems to know. No one has a clear answer for me. So for now, we are just focusing on the fact that the baby is doing wonderfully and they sent me home from the hospital. Everything, for now, is ok.

I will keep you posted as I think more, decide more, and plan more. I am currently not on bed rest, but was told to take it really easy over the weekend because we don’t want labor to start yet as we are still unsure what is going on. I have no idea if we are anywhere near labor starting, but I definitely feel very different than I have in the past week. It started yesterday because I woke up feeling so sick and tired and nauseous and that ended up going off and on all day. Then, obviously, the bleeding, which the doctor said could be a reaction to my cervix dilating. And now I’m having way more cramping and contractions that I would have previously called Braxton Hicks and now I just call “uncomfortable.” Oh, and I had diarrhea this morning (TMI?) which could just be a reaction to all of the stress, or could be a sign of my body “clearing out” for labor. Who knows. Until then, I’ll keep monitoring the minor spotting still going on, try to stay calm, and do some soul searching about how I feel about my birthing options.

Oh, and wouldn’t you know, it was on my List yesterday to pack a hospital bag and then I got sick and didn’t do it. So…I’m thinking that would be a good thing to get done this weekend.

38 Weeks: Searching for Mary Poppins

Well, this morning was interesting. I woke up feeling like my head was about to explode. My nose was running, my eyes were tearing up, I was coughing, sneezing, and there was a vise on my head. For the past few months I've been waking up early, feeling alert and awake. Today I couldn't drag myself out of bed. I felt like I was filled with sawdust. When I did finally get up, I felt dizzy and like I was going to throw up. I had no idea what was going on. So, I drug myself to the kitchen and made myself a bowl two bowls of noodles with butter and salt. Then I downed an entire Nalgene bottle of ice water. And then? I felt better. And then I realized....ohhhh, this is what the first trimester was like! Damn.

I'm 38 weeks as of today. After this morning googling "cold symptoms labor signs" and reading random forum postings where women try to connect their snotty noses to impending labor, I realized, oh shit, this is symptom spotting all over again. This is a Two Week Wait (potentially Four Week Wait) to my due date. So now, I'm sitting here, feeling better, munching on candy corn, with a renewed resolution to not symptom-spot my baby out of my body. I'm still very much enjoying being pregnant and am not in a hurry for him to get here.

So. On to the real purpose of this post - Childcare. We have been pretty wishy-washy about looking for childcare options. Part of that has been due to our "possible plans" to relocate in the Spring, meaning we wouldn't need childcare in LA at all, because we could move right when I'm supposed to finish my maternity leave. Part of that has been me being consumed by other all-important things, like buying pretty swaddle wraps and finding the perfect mobile. So, during our wishy-washy-ness, my chance to put baby on the extremely long waitlist for our highly-ranked, extremely well-reviewed daycare at my hospital has gone out the window. I mean, the waitlist is so long they tell you to put your baby on the list when you start trying to get pregnant.

I think part of the reason I wasn't more gung-ho is I didn't know how I felt about infant daycares. Now, I have worked in many daycares and just as many preschools in my lifetime and I am a strong advocate of putting your child in a group setting for at least a few days a week because I think the experience is irreplaceable. But. For an infant? My protective vibes kick in. Not sure how I feel about it. Even though my logic argues with me about all of the wonderful benefits...I'm just not sure.

So that leaves us with a nanny. Downsides to a nanny? Trust and cost. Nannys are a privilege. An expensive privilege. And you need to find someone that you trust implicitly. The nice thing about a daycare is that there are regulations, multiple caregivers, multiple parents reviewing the setting at all times. With a nanny? You better hope you made the right choice. Also, I realized you can't really find a nanny months in advance. Most of them are looking for a job right away, because well, it's their living. So I had put the childcare question on the back burner for a while, purposefully avoiding it.

Then B comes home from work and says, "I think I found us a nanny!" Huh?? Apparently, a guy that he knows through work (just a random acquaintance) is having a baby a month after us and has found the "perfect nanny." And they were looking for a nanny-share. Now, from what I've read, a nanny-share is the best of both worlds. You get a nanny for a reduced price, your child gets to socialize with another baby, and you have two sets of parents vetting the situation to make sure the nanny is doing what she says she will.

Apparently the nanny came with glowing reviews from seven different families she has worked with. She has done a nanny-share before for two infants and is comfortable with doing so again. People in the area were actually jealous that this family managed to snag her because she is so well-known in the area. Cool. So this sounds promising.

So, as is typical for my husband, he got super excited and set up a time for us to meet the nanny (and the other couple) the following day. I knew it was equally important that we not only approve of the nanny, but also of the other couple because I could envision a ton of issues sharing a nanny with someone with very different views than us. And? We liked both of them. First the couple is down-to-earth, relaxed, flexible, and seemed to have (on first glance) no extreme parenting views that would clash with ours.

The nanny is young-ish (in her early 30s), immigrated from El Salvador, energetic, funny, and relaxed. She told us stories of the babies she has cared for before and showed us videos of the babies she has cared for playing and laughing happily with each other (Picture the famous YouTube twins video). One of the things that was important to me was having a bilingual nanny, so we chatted in Spanish for awhile and she seemed surprised and happy to find out this random white lady speaks fluent Spanish. Overall, we really didn't know what questions to ask, but she just "felt right." And most importantly, having such strong recommendations made me feel good. I did ask some things just to feel like I'd checked...such as, yes, she is certified in infant CPR. But basically, it felt good. She told us that she likes to "interview" the families just as much as they interview her, because she wants to feel like she can work with them easily and said she "felt good" about us too.

So....now what? How do you make this kind of decision? Is it irresponsible to choose the first person you meet? How do you know if she's the Right Person? Is there such a thing as the Perfect Nanny?

Well, after meeting with her, we went out to dinner with the other couple, to get to know them more and discuss options. During the dinner, I think we were all a bit on a high about meeting such a great nanny and it felt a bit like things got out of control. Before I knew it, B was committing us to this Nanny-Share and I was nodding along, ignoring a feeling in my stomach that maybe we were rushing a bit. And then we split the check and that was that. We officially have a nanny lined up to start in March. She will care for both babies, we pay less than we would for an individual nanny, but she in turn makes more money. She will split the time between our house and theirs (just down the road from our house). And that's it.

Then we got home. And I started freaking out. First, I freaked out because "wait-a-second, we just committed to a nanny for next Spring. What about our potential plans to move next Spring?" Now, we both knew we would likely not be actually moving next Spring, but closer to Spring of 2015, but still. This felt like shutting a door on that plan permanently. As soon as I brought it up, B started apologizing for committing to something without talking it through with me first. But I pointed out that I was nodding happily as he went ahead with it. That didn't stop me from feeling trapped into another year of living in LA. Finally, B said, "worse case scenario, we back out. they already told us they were going ahead with the nanny whether we decided to share or not. we can always just apologize and change our mind." Ok. Even though I didn't feel great about that, at least I didn't feel so trapped. Also, as I said, we both know that it was unlikely we'd move that early anyhow, so I felt better about that.

Then I moved on to my next, and bigger, Freak Out. The is Freak Out is called How Am I Going to Be a Mother AND Have a Professional Life???? Now, you might wonder why hiring a nanny would provoke this Freak Out? I mean, this is something I've been thinking about throughout the whole pregnancy and before...why suddenly was I freaking out on a random Wednesday night because we just hired Mary Poppins? Well. The Nanny's schedule is 8:00 to 5:30. Five Thirty people. Remember, for me, getting home by 6:00 is an early night. I mean, I knew I'd need to change my work schedule, but some things are unchangeable. For instance, I'm required to be at work one night a week until 8:00. I also need to be available for prime, after-school time slots for my clients (all kids, remember) which means seeing clients at 3:00, 4:00, and 5:00. Which puts me home at 7:00 (remember, long commute). At this point I was starting to hyperventilate. How can I be a good mom if I'm never home? How can I be a good mom if I can't even make it in time to pick him up from the nanny? B calmly said he would pick him up, no big deal. But then I'm freaking out because B is automatically the better parent than I am. I suggest maybe we need a nanny to stay later. He points out that wouldn't I rather have our baby be with him than a nanny? Oh right. So, back to me being the less-involved parent. Again, Freaking Out here.

B tries to calm me down by suggesting ways I can flex my schedule which I stubbornly and resolutely quash without even considering them (does anyone else ever do this??). We discuss my original plans to go back part time, but I become pessimistic that it "won't work" and that my job doesn't lend itself well to part time. B suggests maybe not going back to work? I Freak Out again. I want the best of both worlds.

Finally, B leads me into the nursery. He turns on the nightlight and the turtle light that sends stars scattering about the ceiling. He even turns on the soothing white noise owl hanging from the crib (wow, I needed to be soothed like an infant). Then we crawl onto the bed together and he holds me.

And I realized, it will work out. I don't know how, but it will. These are good problems to have. I have a baby coming whom I will love so much I won't want to be away from him and a career I care about so much I'm not willing to give it up. We have the financial flexibility that I can cut back on hours if my boss allows me to do so. Somehow, the stars will align and it will work out. Just as they did with this nanny situation.

So yeah. Let's focus on the positive here. We have a Nanny! I'm 38 weeks pregnant! Eating two bowls of noodles cured my third trimester morning sickness! And....I'm not planning on getting dressed today.

Nursery Photos

Ok guys, so here is my attempt at Nursery Photos. And by that I mean, I am terrible at taking pictures of indoor spaces. Everything looks so cramped and condensed. Granted, it IS a bit cramped, since we had to combine a guest bedroom and a nursery, but I promise it's not as bad as it looks in photos. Also, after looking at some nursery photos that are so "perfect," I realize ours is not like that. We didn't have much of a theme, except I wanted everything in really bright colors. You will see we went more towards lime greens, blues, and oranges, but there's a bit of everything. So, without further ado, here is our very un-themed, unprofessional Nursery. I think he'll love it :)

Ok, terrible picture here, but it's the widest angle I got. You can see you the room functions as both nursery and guest room.

We wanted a little bit of Monte in the room, for after he's gone...

Ikea dresser/changing table.

We had these special made. They are hand painted on wood. Again, it's a good thing B is involved to pick out "little boy stuff" or we would have ended up with jungle animals instead of adorable robots.

Bear snuck into a photo here...

And then, since we had limited space due to the guest bedroom, we decided to convert a space in our living room that had previously been under-utilized as a sitting area. So now, it's a Play Area and place to nurse or rock the baby.

And that's it. Considering it's a rented house (aka no fun painting to be done), I think it turned out pretty well. The rocker is now my favorite place to sit in the evening and blog from and dream about the future. I hope he likes it!

I Should Swaddle Myself

So we just home from a class on Baby Care. You know, where you learn about things like diapering, bathing, swaddling... basic things like how to keep your babies alive after you make it through giving birth. Before I tell you about the class, let me caveat this by telling you I think it was actually a pretty good class. The information the instructor provided was great and a lot of it was helpful things I had never thought of before. In fact, B rated every score on the evaluation form as a "10." The problem is, you are going to hear about the class through my slightly skewed filter. I realize that sarcasm doesn't always come across well in text, so if you are not sure I'm being sarcastic or dramatic, I probably am. Ok, you've been warned...

So, one of my concerns about doing classes at our Birth Center has always been that we would be "that couple" who is not hippie enough, not organic enough, not...whatever enough. Until today, that's never happened. I've always felt so comfortable and had a great time at the classes. Today started out fine. We were learning about post partum care for the family, what is normal for newborns, how to bathe them, etc. And then the instructor asks, "And is anyone circumcising their babies? Note: We had previously learned that all of the couples in the room were having boys. They started on the other side of the room and every single person looks at the instructor as if she'd asked if they were killing Bambi (yes, sarcasm...) and says "No!" And then they get to us. B says "We think so." I decide to be brave and just say, "Yes." She starts throwing questions at me. Who will perform the circumcision? Do they know what they are doing? At what age will you have him circumcised? Have you considered that newborns blood doesn't clot as fast and this is a risk factor? Is this for religious reasons? Holy shit. I feel terrible. I couldn't look at the other people in the class but I'm imagining their polite expressions of horror. As in, these people are going to CUT their little boy. Really, this isn't a decision we made lightly. It was hard and we weren't sure what to decide. But, in the end, this is where we landed. Sooo....move on, right? Except from then on, every time she talked about something...bathing, diapering, being a good parent (yes, I'm kidding!), she would have to stop and caveat whatever she was saying for us. As in, "Oh, except for you guys because...."

Alright, enough about the circumcision. B assures me that, while it was somewhat awkward, it wasn't that bad. But, it put me in a bad mood. Then we start practicing holding babies. You may remember that I always feel uncomfortable holding babies. I watch B pick them up and they just melt against his body like magic and I pick them up and feel like I'm holding a breakable thing that just won't mold itself into a comfortable position. Today I realized that uncomfortableness translates into holding FAKE babies too! Great. So everyone is doing this "football hold" thing, that to me looks extremely insensitive and awkward (I mean, who holds a baby like a football??) and so I'm trying and I'm looking at all these people doing the hold correctly and I don't know where to put the baby's head and I can't even tell if I'm doing it right and then B looks at me and says, "What are you doing? You're holding it backwards..." Great.

And thennnn my hormones just took over. Or something. In the last week, I've definitely been more emotional and moody and the typical pregnant lady stereotype. I really don't think (and B backs me up) that I've been an emotional rollercoaster throughout the rest of this pregnancy. But this week is another story. And it definitely caught up with me during the class. I am starting to feel like there is no way in hell I will be a good mother and all of this is just beyond me and can we just fastforward until the baby is three and I know what to do with him?? I'm also starting to feel claustrophobic and really thirsty and wishing I brought a bottle of water and wondering to myself why B doesn't realize how extremely upset I am (he later told me I seemed very composed and he had no idea).

Then after watching a film on adorable babies that I couldn't appreciate because I was stewing in my poison-mood, we start to learn about swaddling. Now, I have always suspected I may be a disaster at swaddling. People say things like, "Oh it's just like making a burrito!!" Well, I've never successfully wrapped a burrito that didn't explode at the seams. So, we're down on the floor, swaddling babies and of course B is jumping around to help everyone else and teaching them his amazing baby-expertise and one of the girls is commenting on how good he smells (yes, this time I'm serious!) and I am just staring at the baby in front of me and thinking this is like being in Calculus class all over again. So then, B decides to come help his poor wife. But, we're on the floor, I'm having braxton hicks, my bladder is full, my knee is hurting from this stupid hands-and-knees position, and I'm trying to not let my massive breasts fall out of my dress to flash the (super good looking) guy across from me...and so I just give up, halfway through the swaddle. B looks all confused, but has no idea what's going on.

And thennnnn the instructor finishes helping us and proceeds to tell us that, after you have swaddled your baby, you should "prop them up on their sides with two little rolled up blankets so they will sleep better and more soundly." WHAT?!? I literally said that out loud. "What?!? But that goes against EVERYTHING we've been told! You are blowing my mind right now!" And she goes on to explain something about how it doesn't pertain to swaddled babies because the reason we put them on their backs is so they don't roll over or smother themselves, but in a swaddle, they can't move as much, plus they are propped up, but can't get close to the blankets propping them up, sooo...they're safe!! Again, I said, What?!?

And this just seemed too much to me in my emotion-laden state. I stood up, leaving my baby half-swaddled on the ground (see? I'm an awesome Mom), and went to the bathroom, because my full bladder was one thing I could take care of. And guess what? I became a pregnant stereotype. I cried in a public bathroom. Really.

To wrap this up, I made it through the rest of the class, kept it together enough that no one seemed to have any idea (including my husband) that I was losing it on the inside, and that was that. But....what the hell happened to me?? Is this just the stress of the last three weeks catching up with me? Am I having some type of hormonal surge? Am I tapping into some unconscious fears of not being a good enough mother? Excuse me, but what the hell?

So please, someone tell me I'm okay, I'm not crazy, I will get through this and go back to being level-headed AND I will be a good mother whether or not I can swaddle my baby.

Between Now and Five Weeks From Now

Photo stolen from Pregnant Chicken's hilarious email updates.

Just time for a quick post here to announce the enormity of the fact that....I've made it to full term! Baby could come at any time! Bow down, people. This is a big deal. I believe B put it best when we were last at a midwife appointment and she was going on and on about "being prepared" and getting lots of rest so you are always rested enough to go through labor. Then she pointed out how I need to stay prepared because baby could come anytime between now and five weeks from now. That is when B so astutely described the situation: "It's like you are preparing for a Marathon. Only, you have no idea when you will have to run the Marathon. Instead, you have to constantly be prepared and ready, just waiting for someone to call you and the phone and tell you to start running." Wow.

Anyhow, as I said, this is a short post. Because I am still caught up in this frantic drive toward The Last Day of Work. Which, actually, is tomorrow. I feel like I used to in graduate school when I was rushing blindly through to the end of the semester and having a hard time thinking beyond that.

I know, in so many ways, my life is about to change. First, not only will my professional identity change (still yet to be determined exactly how) in a large way, but I will also be spending the next five months not working. And yes, yes, I know that raising a baby is the hardest job in the world. But it is a completely different job and identity than anything I have ever done before. I am not sure what it will be like to not be career-driven for that long. Next, the transition to being a mother. I want to give this some more thought and write more on it later, but obviously, this is an extremely big deal. Also, continuing to watch my relationship with B grow and change as we approach this next phase of our long, complicated, enmeshed relationship that is Us.

Finally, because I can't ignore that this is happening....Monte has been a part of our family for almost ten years. He recently took another turn for the worst and they tried one more last ditch effort to save him. We will find out on Wednesday the prognosis. In my gut I have this terrified feeling that Monte's death is going to coincide with the baby's birth in this twisted, cosmic way, such that our first "baby" will leave us in time for us to begin the next stage of life.

SO. Changes. A lot of them. Occurring anytime between now and five-weeks-from now. I am just looking forward to being Here. Being at the transition state where all I have to do is rest, wait, and try my hardest to prepare myself for what's about to happen.

p.s. I will catch up on your blogs this weekend. I know many of you have excited things going on...birth stories, hope-and-anxiety filled cycles of IVF, and some beautiful nursery pictures I just spotted in my feed. I'm hoping after tomorrow I will be much better at staying up to date.

Don't Judge a Midwife by Your Preconceptions

Today was a sad day. I helped two families deal with their separate experiences of loss. I was a witness to tears and pain and connection. Normally I don't have a problem doing what I do. I am able to see the hope instead of the tragedy. But today, I didn't have any defense against the sadness.

But that's not what this post is about. I've been doing too much bitching lately. This post is about yesterday's midwife appointment and how I found myself guilty of jumping to conclusions.

You see, since day one at our Birthing Center there has been a midwife that I've been dreading meeting with. Her photo on the website features her in some type of Yoga-like pose that makes her look like a zen-momma-midwife. Stories of her around the clinic are that she tends to be the most "strong-minded" and alternative in her beliefs (regarding things like circumcision, herbal remedies and vaccines). And the one experience I had with her over the phone when I was having some spotting left me with a bad taste in my mouth. As luck would have it, we've somehow missed meeting with her in our rotation of midwives. Until now.

I went into it with an inwardly sarcastic smile, knowing I wouldn't like her. Ooops. Just goes to show anyone I can be a judgmental bitch before I actually get to know someone. Because, really, I liked her. She's been doing this the longest and it shows. She was no-nonsense, calm, and knowledgeable. Here are some of the things I liked about her:

-When she raved (twice) about my blood work.
-When she told me I "look comfortable being pregnant."
-When she provided helpful suggestions and backed them up with research.
-When she told me my baby was extremely healthy, weighing in around 6 lbs, and could probably "come today" and still be healthy.
-When she didn't judge me (the first midwife so far!) for what I've been eating and said, "Sounds like that works for you."
-When I told her my biggest fear about giving birth is that the baby might be born not breathing, and she looked at me and said, "Mine too."
-When she told my husband I had a beautiful belly.
-When she recommended adding a glass of wine to my bathtime ritual as a "muscle relaxant" to keep my uterus calm. (Still not likely to happen - I'm too paranoid).
-When she told me my baby is in the "best possible" position for delivery (LOA).
-Most importantly....when she found baby's heartbeat right away and it sounded like heaven.

So yeah. Oops. I stand corrected against this poor midwife whom to date I haven't been able to talk about without rolling my eyes. Sorry, zen-momma-midwife-lady!

The craziest thing about yesterday's appointment (besides me being wrong), is that it impressed upon me the nearness of this impending ENORMOUS life change. I mean, the whole appointment felt different. We discussed prelabor signs, how and when to call, what to bring to the birth center, and post-partum care. She stressed to me that the baby could come any time now, especially as I myself was born at 36 weeks. She encouraged me to hurry up and stop working so I can enjoy my last time without kids. Basically, it just felt real. Since then, I've vacillated between terror, exhilaration, disbelief and shock. Now when I play my Calendar Game, I look at the month of October and see a bunch of days that could be baby's birthday. I mean, I realize I could still have almost 6 weeks to go, but I think that it sunk in that every day from now on is a possibility.

But, as I said before, I want to keep ticking off those "possible days" until we get much closer to the due date. I'm really not ready to give up my transition/preparing/self-care days before baby gets here. I feel like it's important for me to take this next step. Not to mention, I am going to need a week after I finish working to recover my strength in order to push this baby out!

I will leave you with a glimpse of the "beautiful belly."

36 weeks: Due Date Month

Today is my day off. But instead of lounging around in my pajamas, I went to work at my husband's office (perks of being the boss's wife) to work on a psychological report I have to write. I love coming here. The atmosphere is so relaxed, so friendly, and pleasant. My job, in contrast, is so isolating. I know that sounds ironic because I talk to my clients all day, but that's not the same thing. So, today I'm here, in efforts that I will be able to focus better and finish my report by the end of the day. Rather than spending my Thursday doing ultra-important things like watching every single Netflix episode of Orange is the New Black.

I realized, in the midst of my oh-poor-me-I'm-so-stressed blogging lately that I haven't shared any updates about Baby. I think that's because there's not much to share. As opposed to the first trimester, where there are so many important appointments, the third trimester (if all is going well), is more relaxed, settling in, getting to you know your baby time. I'm 36 weeks today and have a midwife appointment this evening. After today's appointment, we will switch to weekly appointments (!!!) and I'm sure it will be time to start talking about things like, what to bring to the birth center, the on-call schedule for the midwives (cross your fingers I get one of my favorites at my birth) and early signs of labor. But for now...things are just calm. It feels like I feel Baby almost all the time. I mean, I know that's not actually true, but it feels that way because he's just such a constant presence. A pressure from his back here, a foot poking out there, a bottom to rest my hand on right under my ribs. This morning, when I woke up, I laid on my back and watched him hiccup for a few minutes. I just feel really close to him right now.

Physically, I'm doing okay. My feet started to hurt a few weeks ago, so I ordered two pairs of Moccasins (one pair of shoes, one pair of fleece-lined slippers) that I am basically planning on living in for the rest of the pregnancy. Screw fashion sense! Sleep is NOT my friend anymore. My hips hurt so badly and the BHs take my breathe away every time I have to pee and sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night just feeling completely claustrophobic in my own body. I take a lot of baths. I choose baths over sleep. They are the only thing that helps my body feel free. I haven't been to the chiropractor in 3 weeks or so because I've been so busy. I have an appointment scheduled in a week and then I plan on going weekly again until baby comes. But really, I am ok. For most of the day, being this pregnant doesn't really stop me in my tracks. I mean, I'm working 12 hour days here, so I must be doing ok, right?

I've gained 30 lbs as of this week. With four weeks to my due date, I feel okay about that too. Awhile back, I went through a phase where I was feeling fat. Just huge all over. But now my body has changed again and my belly has gotten so big that I like my silhouette again. I think it's because, in comparison to my belly, the rest of me looks small. Still no stretch marks, so I'm excited about that. My belly button is this weird, flat thing that is a strange color of brown. Why is it brown??? Recently, I've been thinking that once I'm done with work, I may give a little love to my physical appearance before baby gets here. I was of the opinion that I should just wait until after he gets here, but then I realized it may be a long time after he shows up before I have the energy to do a little personal care. So I'm thinking I may schedule a brow wax, a Brazilian, a hair cut, and maybe even highlights (something I haven't done the whole pregnancy). For women who've been through this, what do you recommend? Waiting until after baby or getting it done pre-baby?

I think that's about it. I'm happy to finally be in October. The Month of Waiting. One more week of work to go, and then I'll be free to sit and wait and do last minute things for baby. I'm not in a hurry for him to get here. I hear women saying that they just "want the baby out!" right at 37 weeks. I think they're crazy. This is my last chance to just be myself and enjoy my time before he gets here. Besides, I like having him inside me, safe and sound and comfortable. Annnnd I want him to wait until my mom gets here on the 29th. So yeah. Stay inside baby. We'll see you soon.