Bear with me on this post. I am extremely exhausted and emotional today (maybe a leftover from my extreme excitement and emotions yesterday) and I am currently sitting at work, curled up with a pillow in my lap, crying in a melodramatic way a la a Victorian lady.
But that aside, I've decide to write a post that I've started writing a few times before and then scrapped because I am afraid I will offend someone or come across naively clueless or will just...not get my point across correctly. But, here goes....
Yesterday when I posted my post of exuberant happiness about how healthy my baby is and how happy we are, it was bookended by some blog posts in my blogroll that seriously broke my heart. After reading these other posts, I almost considered deleting my own post because it just felt so absurdly insensitive. Who am I to blurt out my good fortune when others are losing their hopes or losing their babies? How awful.
You see, when I started this blog, I wanted to document my experiences getting pregnant, being pregnant, and having a baby. Mostly because I didn't want to overwhelm my friends with my obsessive nature, so I needed an outlet. And then, in an effort to find other people to read my blog, I stumbled across other people who were trying to get pregnant. Seemed like a good fit....until I started learning about the heartbreaking world of infertility and realized that most people who blog about trying to get pregnant are actually veterans at this art. Through this, I learned about the strength, the dedication, the hope and the inspiration that comes from people going through this struggle. Simultaneously, I happened to have a friend at work who started to go through IVF.
That was the first point I considered making a post about my guilt and about my not (as far as I knew) having infertility problems. But then I decided against it. It seemed too self-centered to call attention to it by apologizing somehow. So then I got pregnant. Again, I considered making a post. I even wrote it out. But I didn't. I felt like, this isn't my "right" to imagine what others might be feeling while reading about my pregnancy. I'll just let people make their own decisions about continuing to read my blog and respect their decisions either way. So, on I went.
But yesterday, when I saw the wonderful comments left for me by so many people, some of which I know are struggling with finding a path to their own baby, and I re-read the blog posts written that week that are filled with heartbreak and strength, I just felt...shocked by the contrast.
And thus, this post. I'm not sure what the purpose of the post is. But I guess I just want to put it out there. I want to let my readers know that I am not taking my good luck for granted. Seeing how hard women are struggling just makes me feel so...blessed (yes, I said blessed, and I'm not even religious) to be lucky enough to get the news I got yesterday. I wish there was a way to share this "luck" with the rest of you, but instead, just know that I don't take it for granted. And if you are going through months, years, a lifetime of chasing your dream of a baby, please know I am so impressed by you and your strength.
Great post! That is really kind & sensitive of you. I know what you mean. I actually was one of those ladies who struggled for a long time to get pregnant. Even so, I feel guilty for sharing my good news about pregnancy. I often wonder if I'm hurting people without meaning to. My heart just breaks for those still waiting, and I know how difficult the journey is for them. Pregnancy announcements can be tough when you're dealing with infertility.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was still waiting to get pregnant (and stay pregnant), I actually loved it when I saw people who were excited and grateful for their pregnancies. Not everyone appreciates it so much. I can you really do though! I love that. It doesn't matter if you tried for 6 years or 6 months, you're a kind person who is supportive of others and your pregnancy should be celebrated. I can't wait to hear more! :-)
Yes: "It doesn't matter if you tried for 6 years or 6 months, ... your pregnancy should be celebrated."
DeleteAnd I also love reading sensitive, honest, pregnancy journeys.
Thank you for your reply. It's good to hear your response. Especially from someone who's been on both sides. Like I said, I really didn't know whether to post this or not. I just felt like I had to say something because I want to acknowledge it.
DeleteYou don't have to feel guilty about your blessings! It is true, you are one lucky girl, but you appreciate it, and you are clearly grateful for it.
ReplyDeleteWhen you go through infertility, pregnancy announcements are difficult to handle on a personal level because they are a reminder of what's not happening, a confrontation with the harsh reality that *your* situation is not the norm. But this does not mean you can not be happy for others.I am very good at staying in my own bubble, at keeping myself distracted, at truly enjoying our life as it is right now. And I have gotten better (the hard way) at understanding that our path is different than that of others. But if I start thinking too long of what is not here yet, I can get down pretty fast, and sometimes pregnancy announcements can do just that. So I have to shut up those thoughts. However I am at the same time genuinely happy for friends (including bloggy friends) when they share their news, it's two different things.
(What I really can't stand, I think I shared with you before, is when pregnant women start calling the conceputs/embryo/ foetus a parasite, a tumor or an alien. I just can't take it, it drives me to the edge. People are free to express their feelings, to tell their story, to let the world know how they experience things, and I know that with pregnancy you don't control anything, it can be overwhelming, feel like it takes over your life. I have never expected it to be an easy ride, I guess because in Mexico it's a part of the culture to share the good and the bad and I have always known you might not always feel well. Add hormones, massive body readjustments, growing spurts... of course you are going to feel uncomfortable to put it very, very mildly. But from there to acting like you are Bella on Twilight, pretending the baby is a monstrous entity trying to make your life miserable, is a very big step, and the assumptions are so full of misconceptions and facts that are plain out wrong that I just can't take it).
You are not insensitive, clueless or naive. You are a kind, honest girl, and both the joy and the pain deserve to be shared. I for one look forward to reading your journey, stories like yours give me hope, even if for whatever unknown reason this is not happening to us yet, even if our path is different, I refuse to give up on this dream yet, and looking ahead at what's to come keeps me going. So thanks. And thanks for your honesty
The other day I had an awful crying rant because someone called their journey a "bumpy road to pregnancy" after conceiving in roughly 6 months. I understand that when you are looking for a baby, every month of it not happening is a huge disappointment, since month one. And I (like anyone who's been at this for a few months) know all about how repeatedly getting your period feels like it's the end of the world, so I understand the feelings because I was also naive enough to expect to get pregnant instantly when we started this (thanks to the media and to my arrogance, thinking *knowing* biology and having perfect regular cycles was gonna grant me this), but at the same time... calling it a bumpy road just struck me as insensitive, specially when you know the numbers: 30% of couples achieve pregnancy on the first month, 80% of after 6 months and 90% after 1 year. This couple fell straight in the statistics (even on the "you got pregnant fast side of the curve"). But hey, not everyone has studied all the science behind, specially if you are not forcefully faced in this path.
Wow, "giving hope" would be a wonderful gift to give. Since I can't give some magic with a magic wand. I think that you are absolutely right in your comments about treating the baby like a parasite or treating taking six months to get pregnant as "a bumpy road." Those types of comments, to me, are insensitive and unaware. I think, to me, I'm just hoping to be aware. It's been an unexpected side effect of starting this blog. That being said, I also have more awareness now for why "trying to get pregnant" is stressful no matter how long it takes. It takes over your mind and body a bit. Just the unknown. I had the tiniest taste of it to barely imagine what it must be like to go through it for such a long time or with so many interventions.
DeleteAnyhow, again, thank you for commenting. I was curious about your feedback because you always seem so grounded and focused and able to be healthy in your perspectives. I'm sending magic and hope your direction!
I love reading your blog. I think you are very sensitive to the feelings those of us who are still trying for baby. Anyway, you have every right to document your journey and if people find it too hard to read they don't have to.
ReplyDeleteI know there were times in my life where I was blessed very quickly and easily with things that people I knew longed to have so bad. (getting married, buying a home, getting pets etc) I tried to be sensitive to their feelings, but it is a tough balance and sometimes people's feeling get hurt. I've found the key to my happiness is not comparing my life to others. I never ask "why her and not me?" because I truly believe we all have our own paths in life, and our own suffering.
I hope you know you were one of the reasons I wrote this post. I have been thinking of you a lot lately and where you are at right now. Your genuine enthusiasm on my last post was so touching. I continue to be amazed by your positivity. I think you are a wise person and I hope that things fall into place for you soon, in the way that is meant to be for you.
DeleteWhat a sweet, thoughtful post. One nice thing about the internet is that if people don't want to hear about your happy moments, they can just click away! Stop reading! They are in control of what they take in. My philosophy is, your blog is for you. You should write about whatever you feel. Personally, I love reading about your journey and your healthy pregnancy, and I genuinely look forward to hearing about it. Your post about being so excited gave me an opportunity to imagine myself in that position one day, and I loved it.
ReplyDeleteSo, please keep posting happy things! And thank you for posting this, it's very sweet to know you're pouring one out for your infertile sisters, metaphorically speaking. :)
Thank you, thank you. I really appreciate your thoughts on this. And you're right, people don't have to stay and read if it's too hard. I will definitely not change a thing about my blog. It's just that...well I wanted to say what I'd been thinking.
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