So, let me just say...I am not good friends with this Cycle. My plans for this Cycle were that I would ovulate normally and on time then settle down and calmly wait until Feb. 14th. At which date I would board a plane, fly to Mexico and find out if I was pregnant or not. If pregnant, well then, hooray! If not, commence with margarita and michelada drinking. Both options aren't too shabby.
Unfortunately, my body laughed at my plans. I'm now on CD20 and have yet to ovulate. Oh well, no big deal, right? And yet, that extends my fanciful little timeline and puts me in Mexico right in the middle of my two week wait. Again, some of you might be nodding your little heads and thinking "Good, at least she won't have to deal with her period on a vacation" or "Oh what a relaxing way to spend the two week wait."
Others of you, who have read my blog for awhile, may remember certain references to my affinity for alcohol. And then you will realize that my body's joke of a schedule is going to force me to abstain from drinking *gaSp* while in Mexico!
So, now, you may be wondering "Does this girl have an alcohol problem?" and "Can she even function without alcohol??" and "How the hell is she going to make it as a mother??" Yeah, yeah, I know. But I've realized, after spending about 50% of the time abstaining during this whole thing, just how much alcohol is a part of my life. A glass of wine at night is a ritual for me. About calming down, leaving work behind, slowing myself into the moment. Or, dinner and drinks with friends is about socializing, enjoying the experience, and being young and carefree. When family comes to visit we open a bottle of wine, or go to a new brewery, or go out for a nice dinner with - you guessed it - drinks.
Ok, so now you're not just wondering if I'm an alcoholic. You've probably pretty much confirmed it inside of your own Superego. Right? And I'll admit, my own jury is still out. But in my defense, we're not talking all-out-drinking-until-you-puke, hanging-out-at-bars, crazy-stupid-drunk drinking here. We're talking about expensive wine and really good food. I mean, they just "go together"......
So anyhow. Back to Mexico. When I realized I wasn't going to able to drink my Micheladas in Mexico I got irrationally pissed. Like, seriously, irrationally so. And theeeeeen I started to jump onto the "She's got a problem" bandwagon. What am I complaining about here? I will be in a gorgeous boutique hotel in Mexico and I will be abstaining for something I really, really want. I felt very petty and clouded within my irrational, pouty anger.
But then, I realized. It's not about the alcohol. Ok, well, to be honest, it is a little about the alcohol. But really and truly it's about being in control. Being in control of my body, in control of my plans, in control of my life. And during sometime as basic as making a baby, you are not in control. The silly thing is, I had just started to accept that fact about the fact that this will likely take longer than I had expected/wanted. I had been settling in and realizing that I can make this a part of my life and it doesn't have to be my whole life (you may have noticed less blog posts/comments lately as a result). I was feeling smug and satisfied about this decision. But then, my body. Just. Wouldn't. Ovulate.
Basically, my body is laughing in my face right about now. Plans, schmans. What plans?
So really, I think right now I'm just mad. Mad at not being able to plan things the way I usually do. Not being able to make things go the way I want them to. And I'm not even talking about the whole having-a-baby part. I mean, the process of getting there. It seems somehow cosmically set to teach me a lesson. As in, just roll with it. Stop trying so hard.
So, what do I take away? Should I be more zen about this? Should I discover serenity? I don't really know. I'm too mad to think about it just yet.
No time for a real post today. I am buried in paperwork, late nights at work, and preparing for February (aka the month of houseguests and holiday weekends). I haven't thought much about this cycle. I'll just say, I'm on my fourth month of trying to get pregnant, currently on CD14 and really not giving much of a shit this month. I think I always had a secret thought that I would get pregnant in the first three months (I know, I know...) and so now I feel like I'm settling in and becoming a bit more calm about things.
Sooooo let me just update you with a few various and sundry things, in no particular order:
-I gave a presentation today, on Digital Ethics. I love presenting. In another life, I think I should have been a teacher.
-I got lost tonight on a dark street in a bad neighborhood. Wearing high heels and carrying my Marc Jacobs briefcase. A "nice" man tried to help me out. I was terrified and felt a little like Alicia Silverstone.
-Sangiovese is the same grape as Chianti. We're making friends this week.
-I'm listening to Flight Behavior on Audible, in my car. Did anyone ever read The Bean Trees?
-My husband booked our 120-lb German Shepherd an appointment at the doggie day spa today.
-My mom is coming to town on Friday. My sister and I are going down to San Diego with her for the weekend. Going to hit up Old Town for some margaritas.
That's it. Just some random stuff 'cus I miss all of you guys (I promise I am trying to catch up on your blogs!). I will leave you with this wonderful little photo story. Looks like we've all been doing it wrong!!
How to Make a Baby
Yesterday I had a lunch with a co-worker from my previous job, the one I left about a year ago to come this new clinic. Afterwards, I stopped by my old work and said Hi to everyone. It was a weird experience, like going back in time. I left that job because I had been there for four years since completing my doctorate and licensure and was just ready for something new. Specifically, I wanted a larger setting, with more possible learning opportunities, chances for advancement, and just....something new. You have to leave the nest where you hatched, right? Also, my last job was fraught with a lot of drama and "over-supervising" employees.
And my new job? Well, it has a lot of what I was looking for. But it also comes with all of the downfalls of working in a large, bureaucratic hospital. I am "one among many." Not sure about those "advancement opportunities" because it's easy to get lost. I haven't made any friends here and I don't feel as energized by work anymore. But that is a good thing and a bad thing. Before, I used to go home and complain to my husband for hours about what so-and-so did at work or how I should have received more recognition for-this or-that, or can you believe they're asking me to do this-or-that? Now I go home and my husband asks me about work and I'm like "Meh. It was just work." It's not that I'm unhappy here, I'm just......not much. I mean, yes, I could also enumerate the positives of my new job (there are many), but the point is......I'm just not that excited about it.
So yesterday, when seeing all of my old friends/co-workers, I was forced to put on a big smile and talk about how great it all is and how happy I am with my decision. During lunch with my friend, I was more open. I shared the pluses and minuses and she listened and commiserated. Then she said, "Well, no job is perfect." Which I wholeheartedly agreed with. Then she moved on to tell me about what it's like to be a mother to her 15-month-old son. She told me about the two weeks over Christmas that she spent home alone with her son while her husband had to work and we both pondered what it would be like to NOT work. *GaSp* Two highly motivated career women, pondering NOT-working, as we chatted over our overly-priced, imported, organic brunch?? #firstworldproblems
It reminded me of a previous conversation with another friend. I had shared with her that I am trying to get pregnant (it just seemed unavoidable when we ended up at a wine bar during the TWW) and gave her just a tiny glimpse into what this is like for me right now. Then I transitioned into talking about work. I tried to muster up some enthusiasm (I swear there ARE good things about this job!!), but I got beaten down by tiredness and didn't do such a hot job. I said to her, "Isn't it sad that I studied for so long and I'm just not in love with working right now?" And she smiled and said, "But don't you think you're just ready to be a Mom now?"
A while back, that statement would have filled my feminist, driven little soul with derision and fear. What? My job isn't important because I am going to be a Mom? What?? Excuse me? But now, I totally get it. I think I'm not as inspired by work because I want to re-prioritize life. I mean, I want to care more about breastfeeding than about writing case notes. I want to wonder about sleep schedules instead of supervision schedules. Basically, I just am not finding the meaning that I need in my job anymore.
I know that life is cyclical and (hopefully) a few years from now I will think back on this moment and think how crazy I am. I will crave wearing my high heels and makeup to work and giving presentations (goddamnit, I have one to give in 15 minutes....in Spanish. why am I blogging instead of prepping??) and supervising people and etc etc. But right now I'm just tired of all of that. I want to hold a sleeping baby and look and her little lips. I want to look up at my husband in amazement that we made this. I want to be connected to something more real.
In a way, it's kind of refreshing to acknowledge that I can put down the pressure to DO SOMETHING with my career and BE SOMEONE and just.....be. Hopefully that ambitious side of me is ready to step gently aside when the time comes. In the meantime, I'll just keep hovering somewhere in the middle.
Ok, so two weeks ago, I made a plan to document my adherence to eating "on point" (on Weight Watchers) on a once-a-week basis. Did any of you die-hard fans realize that I missed a week? What?? No?? Ha. Well, I missed it due to being sick all last week and stuck in my own little world of possibly-pregnant land. Thus, the lack of a food diary post correlates perfectly with my poor eating habits last week. The first week on WW I lost 2 lbs, then I prompted gained them back. Ooops.
So here we go again. However, it was a little harder this week. Due to previously mentioned reasons of being sick and semi-crazy last week, I didn't go shopping for healthy food. Which leaves me with minimal options. Minimal options usually means eating junk. Let's see how I did....
Breakfast. Hmm. A little bit of an indulgence. Nonfat Vanilla Latte from Coffee Bean (7 pts). 7 pts out of a total of 26 is a lot to spend on a coffee. But hey, I'm not a big breakfast person, it gives me a serving of dairy, and damnit, I had to work until 7pm tonight.
Lunch. Leftover Chinese Veggies and one cup of rice (8 pts). I could have probably just had a 1/2 cup of rice, but as I said, I love carbs!
Snacks (0pts). Some sad looking fruit here. Old grapes and semi-squashed blackberries. Oh well.
Dinner (11 pts). Boneless pork chop, garlic broccoli, and mashed "potatoes." The potatoes are really half potatoes and half cauliflower. It's seriously awesome......very buttery and nutty.
Not pictured....one point worth of peanut butter M&Ms :)
Bringing me to total of 26 pts for the day. Right on target. Which is good, because tomorrow I am going to a dinner theater magic show thing and who knows what I'll eat or drink there. That's why WW gives you weekly bonus points, right?
Anyhow, again, not sure if anyone really cares to know what I ate all day (I mean, unless you're a dietician or strangely obsessed with food), but this holds me accountable. So......enjoy!!
First of all, thank you to dspence at Donating Hope for nominating me for a Liebster Award. I'm not going to lie...I've seen this award before on other peoples' pages, and it seems a bit like a Chain Letter. Do you guys remember those? I remember when they actually came in the mail and said things like "If you don't mail this to 50 people, a flower pot will fall on your head and you will die." Or something like that. Or the opposite "If you DO mail this to 50 people, you will miraculously get $50,000 back in the mail!" When I was a kid, I really believed these things. Despite my mother's attempts to convince me they weren't true, I agonized and agonized over them. But in the end, I never mailed them out. Because I'm not good at things like that.
Then they switched to emails. As in, "if you answer these questions and then forward them to 50 people, a little girl in a foreign country will be saved from eColi!" I can't remember if I did those either. Probably not. I'm pretty lazy.
So here I am with this Award. On one hand, it's an Award (yay! I rule) and on the other hand, a very sweet person nominated me for it. So I kinda feel like a shit not following through with it. Plus, you know, Karma and Flower Pots falling on my head and all...
So here we go! To the best of my knowledge, A Liebster Award is an award for up and coming (aka poor souls who don't have a lot of readers??) bloggers to increase traffic to their site (somehow??) and acknowledge their efforts to write an interesting blog. According to my "research," which was really just trolling over peoples' blogs, Liebster is German for "cool" or "sweet." Who knows if that's true. Maybe it really means "hamburger??" Anyhow, the deal is, I have to nominate 11 other bloggers who have less than 200 followers (200?? I think I have like 10), then I have to say 11 Things About Myself, then I have to answer 11 questions, THEN I have to write 11 questions for my nominees. Holy shit. In this time span, I could write a lot of case notes at work. Hmmm.
But I'm committed, damnit. All of my bad karma from not mailing out Chain Letters is about to be WASHED AWAY!!
So, here we go.
11 Things You Never Needed to Know About Me
1. I could survive solely on pasta for the rest of my life and be happy. Blame it on my Italian ancestry.
2. Hablo español. Algunos dias, lo hablo mejor que otros.
3. I suck at thinking of interesting things about myself. Because I'm actually pretty ordinary.
4. I have a bachelor's degree in Psychology, a bachelor's in Spanish, a master's in Clinical Psychology, and a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology. So, I guess I like school?
5. I love to travel. Every time I go somewhere new, it just makes me want to travel more.
6. I always type "reproted" instead of "reported." This comes up more than you would think, as in writing my clinical case notes..."Client reproted somatic symptoms of..." Ooops.
7. My dream is to move to Northern California (wine country of course!), build the house of our dreams, and own three horses.
8. Yay, I'm already at number 8?? Ok....how about this? I am not very good at tolerating uncertainty.
9. I have been told, in professional situations, that I am "too nice." My feminist friends tell me this is because women have been trained to not stand up for themselves and not create conflict. I think it comes from being raised by an ultra-polite mother.
10. I grew up in Northwestern Montana. Picture mountains, lakes, rivers, horses, deer, bears, and a lot of really conservative people.
11. NUMBER 11. I made it. Uh oh, pressure to think of something really interesting....How about this? My most embarrassing moment. I once got up in a Salsa bar in Mexico and danced with my husband in front of the whole bar. Later, the waitress passed me a note that my skirt was tucked into my underwear.
11 Questions About Me
1. What is your favorite stage production, musical, opera, or play?
Uh oh, not sure how to answer this. Because I LOVE the theater and plays, but haven't been to many really big productions or "good" shows. Recently, I saw the traveling Broadway productions of Wicked and The Book of Mormon. Both were wonderful for completely different reasons. My husband and I both would love to see Les Mis someday. I've read the book and we're both obsessed with the music.
2.Would you classify yourself as on stage or backstage?
You know, I might say backstage, but I think everyone who knows me would say On Stage. I love to teach, I have to be "on stage" for my job, and I can have a very boisterous personality (rivaled only by my husband's). But that being said, I love to spend my evenings at home with a book and a glass of wine.
3. What is your best memory from your first car?
It was a 1981 silver Honda Prelude. So tiny that the backseat was pretty much useless. I don't know if this is a "best memory," but a funny memory that popped into my mind was driving around playing "Boof." The rules are simple. You drive around with a bunch of high school kids and every time you see a car with one headlight, you hit the ceiling and say "Boof." The last person to do it takes off an article of clothing. Kinda like strip poker. See? This is what high schoolers do for fun in Montana. Good thing we weren't also drinking Vodka at the same time!
4. If money was no object, what is the one trip you would take?
No question. I would get one of those around-the-world tickets and disappear for a few years. I would be sure to stop in Italy for a good part of that trip. Wait, is it cheating to say that? Is that like, if I had one wish, I'd wish for a million more? Oh well.....
5. What did you hate about university/college?
I didn't hate anything about college. Seriously, I didn't. I wish I could go back and do it all over again. But graduate school...that was another story. I hated that it took over my life, my personality, and my marriage. I would never do it again.
6. When it comes to fashion or design, are you timeless or trendy?
Uhhh.......I have no fashion. Seriously. Usually I ask my husband, whose tastes fall with tight and short. *sigh* Lately I'm into long dresses, because they seem to look good on my body.
7. What was your first job?
Around the same time, I had two first jobs. I worked part-time at a daycare (I've always liked kids) and I apprenticed with a horse trainer (awesome job.
8. Did you go to prom?
Many times. Meh.
9. Do you have any tattoos?
Nope. I'm not committed enough.
10. Who do you need to forgive?
The answer to this is pretty personal. But thanks for making me think about it. Good question.
11. Have you personally experienced God’s love and forgiveness?
Ok, I gotta be honest, this question almost made me not want to do this survey/chainletter/award thing, because I didn't want to offend anyone. But the truth is, religion isn't a big part of my life. I was raised by very spiritually New-Agey parents and have never been a part of an organized religion. I'd say the closet I come to feeling something more is when I'm out in nature. Really far out, as in back-packing into the mountains.
So that's it. I did it. I'm done, right? Oh shit, nope. I need to find 11 more people to Tag and ask them some questions.
My 11 Questions
1. What color are your toenails painted right now?
2. Tell a story about a childhood birthday party.
3. What are you addicted to?
4. Do you have any weird habits?
5. Are you happy in your career? Job? Way you spend your days?
6. When did you meet your significant other? Were you too old? Too young? Just right?
7. Describe your favorite item of clothing.
8. So, what's the point of a blog, anyway?
9. What food describes your mood today?
10. Where will you be when you're 45?
11. So why are YOU responding to these questions?
11 Lucky Nominees!
No really, this part is the part that is nice. I hope that this Award does what it's intended and increases readership for those of us who are just starting out. It's really touching that we are pouring our souls out to who-knows-who, and all of these bloggers I've found are so strong and admirable, each in their own ways. SO, I tried to find some people who have less readership, are inspiring, and hopefully haven't gotten this before? If you have (or if you haven't), oh well. Congrats to all of us for putting it out there. :)
1. Fallopian Grove
2. The Daily Grind of Not Enough Time
3. The Nation Plan
4. Bean Journey
5. A Method in The Madness
6. Fit Momma
7. Our Journey Through This Lovely Life
8. Moon on a Stick
9. Just a Little Off Kilter...
10. Daisy to Sunflower
11. Journey to a Better Birth
And...that's it!! I'm sure some of you have already been nominated. But I did try to choose blogs that I thought were just starting out, or those that I wanted to give a nod to. If you don't see your name here it's because I thought you'd already been through this craziness been nominated before.
Wow, i can't believe I just spent almost 45 minutes on this, when I could have been catching up on paperwork. Thing #12 about me: I am AWESOME at procrastination.
Today was a good day. I'm not sure how to write this post to totally capture what I want to say, but I'll try. I slept in this morning for the first time in a long time and rolled over and considered the idea of running away for the day. On one hand I had laundry and grocery shopping and cleaning and god knows what else to do.......on the other hand we've been working oh so hard and haven't had time to relax or connect with one another since Christmas.
So what did we do? What any other rational couple would do......we let Rock Paper Scissors decide. My husband took the side of Responsibility and I chose Fun. I won. So we took off. We drove north to wine country and just......enjoyed the day. We talked and talked and talked. Some serious stuff, some not so serious. We flirted and flirted and well, I may have even flirted with the cute guy pouring our wine who had a sexy tattoo. What can I say?
Anyhow, it was a good day. I'm so glad because I've been so down since I got my period. Yes, because, well, I'm not pregnant. But also because I think because I experienced the mood swings associated with hormones for the first time in years since I started taking birth control. What a bitch. How unfair. Like I was a black hole for about four days. Is that how it is for most women? Wow.
But now I'm back and I'm reconnected to myself and to my husband (and to wine country) and I'm just......back. It's a good thing because, throughout all of this trying-to-be-a-woman and trying-to-be-a-mother and trying-to-move-to-the-next-stage we need to remember to just BE. So, here I am. I'm back. Did you miss me?
On a positive note, I'm going to be in Mexico this cycle when I'm due for my period so, I'll either be pregnant or.......I'll pour a margarita and toast la puesta del sol.
Welcome to Inaugural Drown Your Sorrows Day!!!
On the Menu is a 2009 Stolpman Sangiovese (wine clubs are the best!). This full-bodied red wine is being served with a side helping of the Return of Logic and Clear-Headedness. The rich aroma and "chewy" taste will be sure to induce moments of Clarity, Realism and maybe even a whiff of Chagrin. With each sip, you will find yourself becoming more grounded in Reality and less and less concerned about previously all-important obsessions. Finally, the tastes of "pomegranate and toasted fennel seeds" will bring you smashing back to the full-functioning status of a strong, intelligent, independent woman. Basically, on this Drown-Your-Sorrows Day, you will accept Reality and Move ON!
p.s. Yes, the wine description really does say "pomegranate and toasted fennel seeds."
