Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Counting Eggs Before They Hatch

I'm realizing that the impact of this surgery on my mental state is that I'm feeling sad, worried, and impatient during this weird "two week wait" that doesn't really feel like a two week wait. The way I see it, there are only a few options and most of them aren't great:

1) I'm not pregnant. I never was pregnant. I didn't conceive and so there really is no reason to worry at all. I feel fine about this option. If I never was pregnant, then I didn't lose anything, I didn't cause any harm by having this surgery, and nothing has really changed. With this option, there is no guilt, no loss, no sadness, and no anxiety.

2) I was "pregnant" (can you say pregnant if its three days after conception??) and the surgery will impact such that the egg never implants and never becomes a true pregnancy. This option is sad. There's no real "guilt" in the traditional sense of the word, because obviously it was something completely out of my control but there is a nagging feeling of sadness that an "almost" was lost. I suppose the good thing about is is there is no way to distinguish between Option 1 and Option 2.

3) I am still "pregnant" and the medications and anesthesia negatively impacted the baby in some way. This option is tragic. Tragically sad. Not only would it have long-term consequences but I would definitely feel guilt (however irrational that would be).
Basically Option #3 is the worst option.

4) I am still "pregnant" and there are no consequences at all because the egg had not even implanted yet and so none of the medication could impact it at all. Obviously Option #4 is the best option.

Sooo, right now I'm mostly feeling sad and impatient. Sad that this two week wait is likely not a two week "wait" but just a two week "nothing." And because of that, I'm just impatient to get my period and start over again.

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