Waiting to Fall

I'm writing this, but I'm not sure I'm going to post this. At least, not yet. The reason is, I'm teetering on the edge. Edge of what, you might ask? I think the edge of insanity?

But first I have to admit something. There is a well-known phenomenon in psychology called social referencing. This is where we compare ourselves to others to either feel good about our selves (as in - "At least I remembered not to tuck my skirt into my underwear today. I am looking good.") or to pressure ourselves to do better (as in - "Damn how does she get all of that done and still seem so put together?? Maybe I should at least wash my face and pay my library fines."). Social referencing can make you seem, well, a little bitchy. And I have to admit that I am guilty of a little bitchiness. Not intentionally, but out of fear. When I first stated reading the TTC forums I did some downward social referencing. Things like, "Well I will never get THAT crazy!" and "I will never over-analyze THAT that dramatically" and "Oh, ok, get over it, you're getting your period. Accept it and move on."

See? Bitchy, right?

But it honestly came out of fear...out of a hope that I could distance myself from that pain that drives us to cling so desperately to a hope. And now? I have completely gone off the deep end. Seriously.

I have every imaginable sign that my period is starting. My temp has dropped below coverline, I have brown-tinged CM, and I am moody as hell. And yet, here I am, googling symptoms, hoping, wishing, ignoring reason... Basically, obsessing and over-analyzing dramatically. Now there is no more downward social referencing. I've dropped into the pits.

So, looking up from these pits of craziness, I am waiting to post this blog entry in the hopes that...what? My period won't start today? It wont' start tomorrow? That I'm pregnant? I feel so silly writing that. I know at this that I'm not pregnant. It's so absolutely crazy. I feel like I'm hanging onto a cliff just hoping there is a net down there to catch me when I fall.

Let's hope we all have some safety nets, huh?