I'm writing this, but I'm not sure I'm going to post this. At least, not yet. The reason is, I'm teetering on the edge. Edge of what, you might ask? I think the edge of insanity?
But first I have to admit something. There is a well-known phenomenon in psychology called social referencing. This is where we compare ourselves to others to either feel good about our selves (as in - "At least I remembered not to tuck my skirt into my underwear today. I am looking good.") or to pressure ourselves to do better (as in - "Damn how does she get all of that done and still seem so put together?? Maybe I should at least wash my face and pay my library fines."). Social referencing can make you seem, well, a little bitchy. And I have to admit that I am guilty of a little bitchiness. Not intentionally, but out of fear. When I first stated reading the TTC forums I did some downward social referencing. Things like, "Well I will never get THAT crazy!" and "I will never over-analyze THAT that dramatically" and "Oh, ok, get over it, you're getting your period. Accept it and move on."
See? Bitchy, right?
But it honestly came out of fear...out of a hope that I could distance myself from that pain that drives us to cling so desperately to a hope. And now? I have completely gone off the deep end. Seriously.
I have every imaginable sign that my period is starting. My temp has dropped below coverline, I have brown-tinged CM, and I am moody as hell. And yet, here I am, googling symptoms, hoping, wishing, ignoring reason... Basically, obsessing and over-analyzing dramatically. Now there is no more downward social referencing. I've dropped into the pits.
So, looking up from these pits of craziness, I am waiting to post this blog entry in the hopes that...what? My period won't start today? It wont' start tomorrow? That I'm pregnant? I feel so silly writing that. I know at this that I'm not pregnant. It's so absolutely crazy. I feel like I'm hanging onto a cliff just hoping there is a net down there to catch me when I fall.