Caffeine-Infused Blogging

I've been thinking about what this blog is about. Originally I wanted to start it so I could document my thoughts during this journey to becoming a mother. Specifically, because I don't want to overwhelm the few friends and family who know I'm trying and don't want to tell everyone else, I needed a place to just write it all down. The excitement, silliness, obsessiveness, craziness, and just general emotionality. I envisioned the blog starting prior to actually trying to conceive and then moving into "making a baby stage" and then pregnancy and then finally trickling into motherhood.

Isn't this what everyone envisions when they start their blog?

But now, I'm starting to read more on the TTC forums and researching others' TTC blogs and I realize the majority of people are not just TTC, but dealing with infertility. This is weird for me, because, as far as I know (*knock on every wooden surface possible*), I won't have problems getting pregnant. But, because I am reading so much about other people's struggles, it leaves me feeling weird when I think things like "Oh, it's a good thing I wasn't pregnant for Thanksgiving so I could drink exorbitant amounts of wine." Hmm. Kinda makes me sound like a shallow jerk, doesn't it? Or, less shallow, and more true, I have had conversations with my husband about how we actually are ok with this taking a few months because we feel so connected and close right now while we're trying to make a baby.

The truth is, I don't want to feel guilty or superstitious or shallow for having the thoughts I'm having. Every woman's journey is different and this is MY journey. Who knows where I'll be in this journey in six months. Pregnant? About to call my doctor? Right where I am now? Who really knows? But right now, where I am right this second, I want to be honest about what I'm feeling.

So, disclaimer to anyone reading this blog should I say something that sounds callous or insensitive. Believe me, I don't mean it that way. I'm just talking about myself, and where I am, right now, on November 27th, 2012. And that is what I want my blog to be about. So I'm going to be careful to not get derailed from what I want to write about. Hopefully it will be helpful or interesting to some people. But mostly, I hope it's helpful to me.

Soooo....that weird rant being said (I think I was lecturing myself....), where AM I today on November 27th? Physically, I'm sitting at my desk avoiding large amounts of paperwork by writing a blog entry. Mentally, I'm planning our Christmas road trip and dreaming about packing up and leaving. Emotionally, I am vacillating between overwhelming stress from work and positive contentment in my personal life. Cycle wise, I'm on CD8, which as I mentioned before, is not as exciting as CD8 the first time around. I'm hoping I ovulate earlier this month so it will be a shorter cycle. But in the meantime, I'm enjoying the pre-ovulation freedom and the pre-ovulation libido increase. Ha. No wonder my husband and I are so close right now!

Anyhow, signing off to get some actual work done.


p.s. Enjoying some Apple Cider Black Tea from Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. Delicious way to get in my morning caffeine!

Tech Savvy?

Ok, second post of the day, just to announce that I think I figured out how to put a Follow button on my page. Since when was this all so complicated? Since Google+ started infiltrating the entire Internet, that's when. I could write an entire entry (RANT) about Google+. But....I won't.

Long story short, I think I effectively added some kind of Follow Button. Let me know if it works. Preferably, by Following Me.

This was accomplished with the help of my computer-programmer-software-developer husband, who stared at me the whole time with a look of bewilderment and amusement as if he found the whole thing cute.

Cute. Hmmm.

Anyhow....Sigame.

Magic Number 31

I realized today that I will be 31 when I get pregnant. No matter when it happens (and this is assuming it will happen in the next 12 months), when I get pregnant I will be 31. My birthday is on December 8th and so it's now unavoidable. I know that's not a big deal and it's just a number, but it just kind of shook me a little. Probably mostly because I won't be 30 anymore.

When I turned 30, I was so happy. I didn't feel upset about getting older, because I was (AM) so happy with where I was in my life. I love my marriage, love my career, love my house, love my pets, and love who I have become. I'm happy with the fact that I've traveled to seven countries, can speak Spanish fluently, do a job that is meaningful, and have a future that I look forward to. Now, turning 31, none of that has changed. All is still true. The only difference is, I definitely feel ready to have a family.

Last night, after my family left, my husband told me that he used to get sad when guests left, but now he doesn't really get affected by people leaving, because he feels that our life is so complete. I completely understand what he means. I told him that we are so stable and happy that it just makes sense to be bringing a baby into our family.

This is getting pretty sappy, isn't it? Oh well. I guess the point is, getting pregnant at age 31 isn't so bad. It took us awhile to get where we are today and the timing is just right. But here's hoping it won't be "pregnant at 32." Hmm...if I get pregnant in the next 3 months, I could say "gave birth at age 31" instead of 32. Fingers Crossed....

Sunday Gloom

Sunday nights have always been hard for me. I don’t like the gearing up for another week, the nagging guilt over things left undone, and the anxiety about the upcoming week. Although I’ve gotten better at dealing with Sundays and can usually avoid the Sunday gloom nowadays, it still creeps in sometimes. Especially on days like today. A four day weekend of spending time with family, enjoying company, utter and pure relaxation. And now? Family’s gone home and I’m settling back into routine. Back to a list of things that will be impossible to complete in just five days. Yuck. Not only that, but I’m sitting amongst the debris of a holiday weekend that I really need to get up and take care of. (aka, my house is a damn mess.)

Also, back to cycling. I’m on CD6 of Cycle 2. Somehow, it’s not as exciting as CD6 of Cycle 1. Ha. The first time, every thing about this was exciting. Now I know that nothing much will be happening for at least a week. So, I’m just kind of…waiting.

So basically, I’m just stuck in the Sunday gloom. I’ll be fine tomorrow. Will feel better to get back to work, but in the meantime, here I am.

On a more positive note, it was a nice Thanksgiving. We made a ton of food, shared the meal with a group of ten close friends and family, enjoyed a lot of good wine, and basically just got to spend time with my family. We watched the last Twilight movie. One of those things…once you’ve watched one, you just can’t stop. I actually kind of enjoyed it (don’t tell anyone!).

How was everyone else’s break? Anyone else fighting Sunday doldrums? Anyone have a remedy besides a big glass of wine?


Update: After I wrote this blog, I went into bed and snuggled and laughed and played with my husband and just enjoyed having our house back to ourselves. Then I took a hot bath, starting reading On The Road by Jack Kerouac (prepping for the movie!) and sipped a glass of wine. Life is good now. All is right.

Is Anybody Out There?

Hey, so people are starting to visit my blog fairly regularly. Note that I say "visit." I can track how many people came here, but no idea if anyone actually reads it. But, aside from a couple of new friends (Thanks girls!), no one has been brave enough to leave comments yet. So...I'm just curious...."Is Anybody Out There???"

If you're out there and reading this on the day before Thanksgiving, why don't you leave a comment to let me know you're alive? Let us all know what your plans are for tomorrow? Will you have a big feast? Will it be with friends or family? What is your favorite part of the meal?

I don't have much time to write today (feverishly trying to get my work done so I can leave work early today), but I'll start you off:

My husband and I are hosting Thanksgiving. It's starting to become a bit of tradition. My mom, aunt, and cousin flew in last night from Oregon. My sister, her roommate, and her sister's roommate will come over tomorrow for dinner. As will our best "couple friends" who are so close that they are basically family. We'll get up at a leisurely time (maybe 9:30 or 10:00ish?) and get the turkey on. Then we'll make a big breakfast together, just family. Then we'll all get a little crazy and cook a LOT. We won't eat until later, maybe 6:00ish?, and mostly the day will just be about hanging out together and eating and drinking.

Did I mention the up side of getting my period is I can drink really good wine?? Well, I could also drink bad wine, but I prefer to stay with the good stuff for Thanksgiving ;)

Anyhow, Happy Turkey Day to all of you and I hope to get some responses about your favorite part of the meal. Oh wait, I forgot to answer that part myself. Hmmm. Is it silly if I say my favorite part of the Thanksgiving dinner is the gravy?? :)

Cheers!

Putting Things In Perspective

So this post will kind of be two posts in one. One is an update on me and where I am in my cycle. The second is about a friend and where she is at in hers.


Post #1: CD1

So I woke up this morning and my temp had plummeted again, all the way down to the lowest pre-O temp. I went into the bathroom and yep, my period has arrived. I keep expecting to have some kind of strong emotional reaction to this, but really the only emotions I'm having are a tiny bit of disappointment, a sense of relief (because of the surgery), and excitement. Excitement because I feel like Cycle 1 was kind of a bust due to having the surgery at 3DPO and now for Cycle 2 and I get to start fresh. Maybe get a Christmas positive pregnancy? Also, on a selfish note, excitement because I can enjoy drinking good wine and food during Thanksgiving this week :)

So for my first cycle off birth control, here's my stats:

35 Days Total.
Ovulation: CD24.
Luteal Phase: 11 Days (started AF on LP12).

Overall, I don't think its too bad considering it's my first natural cycle off birth control in 13 years. Would I like it change somewhat? Sure, I would love to ovulate earlier and I'm a little worried about my luteal phase length. Does anyone know if this may get longer as my body regulates itself more? I know less than 10 is considered worrisome, but how about 11? I'd be happier with 12+....

So that's me. Starting fresh. Back to day one. You can bet I will be welcoming in Cycle 2 with a glass of wine tonight :)


Post #2: 9 Flowers

The second post is for my friend. While I am just starting Cycle 2, she is on 2 years of trying and fighting a variety of infertility-related diagnoses. I mentioned her earlier in a post and her story just continues to amaze me. Watching her struggle with this, watching her grace and strength as she and her husband try to make difficult decisions and choices...it is powerful. I know that her story may seem no different (and yet it is unique) than many of the other women on infertility blogs and forums, but it is closer to me and therefore more present for me.

So why am I posting about this today?

Well, this month is her first cycle of IVF. She will be having egg retrieval next Monday and is going through more than I can imagine this week. So yesterday I received a group email from her to all of her friends, asking us to make a bouquet of 9 flowers, to represent her 9 follicles that she is attempting to grow. She admitted it seems a little cheesy, but asked us all to watch the flowers and think of her. I thought it was really, really sweet.

When I emailed her the photo of my flowers, I admitted to her that I had cheated somewhat and recycled flowers from all of the bouquets I received after surgery (Hey, you guys know how busy I am!). But I actually kind of like the idea of sharing love and combining flowers from different bunches to make a special one just for her.

So, here you go. If anyone wants to send some thoughts out for these little blooms, I'm sure it would be appreciated.

Hey, Calm Down!!

I'm a bit of an emotional wreck today. I don't know if it's from the stress of a work-filled weekend followed by three 12-hour workdays stretching out in front of me or the roller coaster of still recovering from my surgery or if it's just PMS starting. I have been on the pill for 13 years, so I don't know how much I can gauge my typical PMS-symptoms off of those 13 years, but what I've experienced today is pretty typical of about 2-3 days before starting my period. I'm having dull, barely-noticeable cramps, anxiety/mood swings since yesterday, and I had EWCM today (yes this was typical for me even on the pill, just a few days before AF). Oh, and my temperature, which has been slowly dropping over the past few days, took a nosedive today.

So, I think that's it. Honestly, it would be a bit of a relief. I told my husband last night that if I find out I'm pregnant in this cycle I will have 9 months of worrying about whether the surgery had negative effects. I would seriously rather just wait a cycle and try again than have to go through that.

In the meantime, I have to get through the next three days. I work from 8am to 8pm (plus commute time) today *insert whiny moan here* and then two more long days tomorrow and Wednesday. When I get home tonight I have to clean up my house because my family gets in tomorrow for the Holiday. I'm totally looking forward to seeing them, but feel bitter that, because of taking time off last week, I won't be able to spend time with them until Thursday.

I wish I could practice what I preach and use some coping skills or mindfulness to decrease my anxiety. I feel like something is hanging over my head...like I'm forgetting to do something...or something bad is about to happen. I guess that's the definition of free-floating anxiety, hey? But damn, it sucks. Ok, here's my plan: Get through the next 7 hours at work ( 7 hours?!? ), drive home while listening to relaxation music on Pandora, make a simple, no-cooking dinner for my poor, sick husband and I, and then put on some Xmas music while I clean my house and hang some Xmas decorations in an attempt to be festive. Good plan...how am I going to manage it without breaking down?

Step 1 - deep, diaphragmatic breathing.

Ok, somewhat better.

Step 2, remind myself that it's only three days and, as my husband always says, you can do anything for just a short period of time. After that, Thanksgiving, family and good food!

Yes, good point.

Step 3, get my ass to work and stop writing this blog about how anxious I am because I'm behind on my work!!

Wow, ok.....



Oh, and here's a little relaxation recommendation for all of you (mostly for me): check out this website at calm.com. You can pick your own relaxation scene at the bottom of the page and select a mini-relaxation session of 2 minutes or go for the whole 10 minutes (yeah, right, who has time???). I like the site, but it makes me a little sad to realize that other countries, other lifestyles, other cultures have actual built in down-time where you look at actual nature, not just a computer screen. Oh well, this'll do for now.

Sticky Fingers

So I bought a pregnancy test today. This is the first time I bought one while actually hoping to be pregnant. The funny part is, I realized why everyone likes to order their tests online. Holy shit, why do they have to make buying a pregnancy test such a humiliating experience? I walked into the store and realized that all of the pregnancy tests are stored in giant, shiny, plastic boxes the size of shoe boxes. Right next to the super-ribbed, extra large condoms that are also in giant plastic shoe boxes. So, your only choice is to take one of those giant boxes and carry it around the store until you get to the check out aisle where the clerk can't just pretend she doesn't notice what you're buying, because she has to set it aside while she rings up the rest of your groceries and then get out the special key to open the treasure box, ALL so you can have your pregnancy test. WOW.

All I can say is, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, kind lady at the check out stand who did not make a cheesy joke about "Oh boy, I don't know whether to wish you luck or congratulate you" or "Does your husband know?" or "Ohhhh a bun in the oven??"

I tried to think about why I, a successful, Ph.D.-educated, married woman is embarrassed to buy a pregnancy test? I mean, there is nothing wrong with buying a pregnancy test. In fact, it should be exciting and wonderful, right? I guess it's just because buying a pregnancy test is a personal thing. Making a baby is a personal thing. How you make a baby is a personal thing! So, having to announce to the world (ok, not the world, just the check-out lady, bag boy, and 2 or 3 people in line behind you) that you are hoping (or fearing) you may be pregnant is not exactly my favorite thing.

I guess there's a reason both the pregnancy tests and condoms are locked up, huh?

Wait. Did I just compare myself to teenage kids who steal condoms out of embarrassment??

Annnnnyhow, back to being a 30-year-old grown-up. The point is, I bought a test. A 2 for 1. That means I have two chances to test. As mentioned in my previous post, I am going to try to stay with my more rational side and not start testing tomorrow at 10 DPO. My goal is to test on Thanksgiving morning. If that is negative, I will test again on Friday....

This is the kind I bought. Is the digital one good? Everyone on the forums seems to always be squinting to look for barely-there lines. I'd rather just be sure. What's the catch? The cost? Because I can definitely see the cost as a major drawback. Damn. I see why people buy those dollar store tests....

The Statistics of Princesses

Ok, so I apologize to the small number of people who may be reading this (IS anyone reading this??) who were subjected to my pitiful whining last night. Basically, I had a hard day and was feeling stressed, tired and lonely.

Today I went back to work for a few hours and then for a follow up appointment to get my stitches out. It felt good to get back to work. It also felt good to have the stitches out. Like everything is back to normal.

I also started to get secretly hopeful again about maybe the surgery didn't ruin our chances this month. I'm at 8DPO and I had a drop in my temps today. Possibly implantation?

Ha. I have to laugh at myself. Researching all of this stuff has included a mixture of reading forums and reading actually scholarly articles. It's almost like it represents two different sides of me. The side of me that has a doctorate and believes in randomly controlled trials realizes that there is very likely no such thing as an implantation dip. It's an illusory correlation. Some women get a dip in their temperature halfway through their luteal phase. Of those women who get a dip, some of them get pregnant. Some of them don't. Obviously the predictive validity here is pretty low. In lay man's terms, it's just a damn coincidence.

But the part of me that likes to be hopeful and optimistic and excited likes to read the forums and buy into urban legends. Like, when my FF app says to me "You are at 8DPO, you may experience an implantation dip today" and HOly Shit, I DO experience a dip...well that is just freakin' exciting. This is the same part of me that wants to buy into the whole "hmmm maybe I should pee on a pregnancy test in a couple of days because there is a less than 10% chance it COULD tell me something super early!!" Ha. The researcher in me has read the studies and knows that the majority of women are just wasting their time peeing on anything before 14DPO. I mean really, you might as well draw some lines on a tongue depressor and pee on that. But the Rapunzel-in-a-Turret side of me whispers, "Oh go on...pee on a stick...you might be in the 10%!!"

Well, tiny group of readers, what kind of person are YOU? A researcher who looks at facts? Or a princess in a tower, dreaming of a Happily Ever After?

Self-Pity Moment

Second update of the day. My stomach hurts where I used to have an appendix. I feel lonely and stressed. I really don't want to go back to work tomorrow. Whine, whine, whine. Speaking of wine, why can't I have any again???

Waiting 'Til Turkey Day

So I think in an earlier thread that I mentioned I am an impatient person? Well, this week has convinced me that is true. I thought that I would love having four forced days off work to just sit and do nothing. The first two days were ok, but yesterday I started to get emotional and antsy and then today I have been a complete wreck.

I think the reason I’ve been such a disaster today is because taking four days off work will have maaajor repercussions for me when I go back tomorrow. Each day I take off equals multiple hours behind. I’m trying to figure out how to be more zen about it. I mean really, I had an operation…I shouldn’t be so stressed about missing some work, right? But ughhh, it’s amazing how much it piles up. Not to mention, with a job like mine, there are people counting on me and when I’m not there…well, anyhow.

I’m going back to work tomorrow and then I’ll leave a little early to get my stitches out. I guess after that, I’m back to real life? Yuck.

I’ve decided to write myself off mentally for this cycle. The chances that I could conceive through all that seem to be extremely minimal. The stupid thing is, according to Dr. Google, it is still possible I could get pregnant. That means abstaining from alcohol while my family is here next week for Thanksgiving? Argh. I don't mind abstaining for a baby, but abstaining for a tiny negligible chance I could be pregnant? That’s hard. I think I’ve decided to take a pregnancy test on Thanksgiving. I’ll be at 14 DPO and so something would hopefully show up then. I don’t even know if I’ll tell my husband I’m taking it. I feel like he and I were so connected on this before the surgery, but now whenever I bring it up, he just tells me not to stress over it.

*Sigh* I guess the good thing about all this is that there really is no crazy-symptom-spotting. As in, did my right eyelid just flutter??? Because, any weird feelings I am having I’m just attributing to the fact that I just had a major organ cut out of my stomach. I mean, twinges in my stomach? Yeah, probably has to do with the missing appendix. Fatigue? Yep, probably has to do with the anesthesia. See how this goes?

So, I guess, here’s waiting ‘till Turkey Day.

Counting Eggs Before They Hatch

I'm realizing that the impact of this surgery on my mental state is that I'm feeling sad, worried, and impatient during this weird "two week wait" that doesn't really feel like a two week wait. The way I see it, there are only a few options and most of them aren't great:

1) I'm not pregnant. I never was pregnant. I didn't conceive and so there really is no reason to worry at all. I feel fine about this option. If I never was pregnant, then I didn't lose anything, I didn't cause any harm by having this surgery, and nothing has really changed. With this option, there is no guilt, no loss, no sadness, and no anxiety.

2) I was "pregnant" (can you say pregnant if its three days after conception??) and the surgery will impact such that the egg never implants and never becomes a true pregnancy. This option is sad. There's no real "guilt" in the traditional sense of the word, because obviously it was something completely out of my control but there is a nagging feeling of sadness that an "almost" was lost. I suppose the good thing about is is there is no way to distinguish between Option 1 and Option 2.

3) I am still "pregnant" and the medications and anesthesia negatively impacted the baby in some way. This option is tragic. Tragically sad. Not only would it have long-term consequences but I would definitely feel guilt (however irrational that would be).
Basically Option #3 is the worst option.

4) I am still "pregnant" and there are no consequences at all because the egg had not even implanted yet and so none of the medication could impact it at all. Obviously Option #4 is the best option.

Sooo, right now I'm mostly feeling sad and impatient. Sad that this two week wait is likely not a two week "wait" but just a two week "nothing." And because of that, I'm just impatient to get my period and start over again.

A "Minor" Interruption

Ok, well, I have a lot to share. First of all, unrelated to TTC, I attended my husband’s first-ever company holiday party for his growing software development company. The party was held on a 3-story boat and it was so beautiful and just perfect. My husband gave a beautiful speech to all of his employees and thanked them and then he thanked me too. It was just such an amazing night and I was so proud of him and couldn’t stop smiling.

Unfortunately, while we were on the boat, I started to have a burning, aching pain in my upper stomach and back. I just thought I must be getting seasick or something but it progressively got worse. That night, I went back and forth between laying on the bathroom floor and pathetically crying/moaning/groaning and throwing up over and over. The next day, the pain had changed and dropped down low in my belly. It hurt to walk and felt like a tugging, ripping feeling. Of course, my husband started asking if I was pregnant and I said there was no way I would have such severe symptoms at 3DPO.

So I sat around all day, trying not to move a lot. But around 5:30, knowing I had to work a 12-hour shift the next day at work, I looked at my husband and asked him to take me to Urgent Care. I thought, well, maybe they can give me some good meds to get me through the work day.

Not quite. The pretty little doctor listened to my symptoms and got this big, doe-like eyes and said “I am very worried about you. You need to go to the ER right now.”

Oh, and she took a pregnancy test. Negative. (Obviously, just 3 days post ovulation!)

So my husband and I debated whether I really needed to go to the ER. I mean, seriously? It was just a stomach ache! But, as he pointed out, when a doctor tells you to go “quickly” to the Emergency Room, you probably shouldn’t argue.

Once at the ER, they through out the words Ectopic Pregnancy, Gall Stones, Appendicitis, and a lot of other scary words. They did another pregnancy test (negative – I kept telling them that there was no way it would show up on a urine test at just 3 days post O, but I guess they didn’t trust my charting abilities! – Ha!) and then did a CT to check my appendix.

In walks the Doctor.

Doctor: “Ok, well, it looks like we’re going to take your appendix out tonight. The surgeon should be here shortly and you should be in surgery in just under 30 mins.”

Me:

One thing you should know about me: I am a fairly healthy (and lucky) person. I have never had any medical problems, don’t routinely have to go to the doctor, and have never, ever had any kind of surgery. Not even dental surgery. As a result, I am DEATHLY afraid of medical procedures, especially surgery. So I started stammering about how couldn’t it “just be a stomach virus?” and then started having a minor panic attack in the ER.

Long story short….they did the surgery. Everything went fine. It was much, much easier than I expected (the whole thing was done laproscopically) and they sent me home the next morning.

BUT the unfortunate, tragic part of this whole ordeal is that it happened in my very first cycle of TTC. Remember how close and connected I had been feeling with my husband? We had just had a wonderful feeling knowing I “could be pregnant” and had felt so excited and happy. Now I feel like, no way could implantation happen after a surgery and anesthesia, and even worse, if it did actually happen, what would it do to the baby?? Ugh. So, aside from the surgery and recovery, I also feel a little bit like a balloon with the air let out of it. Like I was so happy and excited and now just…deflated.

It’s silly I know, because it’s just the very first month. And it’s not like *knock on every type of wood surface imaginable* this type of thing will happen every cycle. It’s just a fluke occurrence. But that doesn’t make me feel good about it.

Oh and how are my husband and I doing? He’s exhausted from taking care of me and is trying to catch up on lost time at work. The rosy feeling seems to have left the building for the day. Poor guy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Post Script: On a funny note, everyone (doctors, nurses, surgeons, etc) kept asking me when The First Day of My Last Cycle was. And, as I mentioned in my previous post, it was the first time in my life I was able to easily answer that question without staring blankly and showing how little attention I pay to my body. Ha.

Waiting Begins....

Well, I'd been suspecting for two days now and then FF confirmed this morning: I ovulated!

It feels like it was a long month building up to this. I officially ovulated on CD 24, which is technically considered "late ovulation," but for my very first cycle off birth control, it seems pretty damn good to me. I feel like I joined some kind of club of womanhood, or "Women Who Ovulate." After being on birth control, each step of this cycle has been surprising and exciting to me.

And the best part is, it has brought me closer together with my husband. We've both been so close and felt so connected, it's been wonderful. In a way, I think we both saw trying to have a baby as a much stronger commitment to one another than getting married was. Neither of us wants to have our children experience a divorce, and so having a child together is the real deal. Much easier to separate two adults than to separate a family. Coming to this decision was a hard one, but, in this first month of trying, we talked about how absolutely amazing it was and how happy we both felt.

And so now, the waiting begins.... :)

Rainy Day Descanso

My job has been crazy busy lately. I actually like the busyness. I thrive on bouncing from one thing to the next. The only problem is, it doesn't leave any time to catch up on paperwork, phone calls, and other hubris that keeps accumulating. Also, it tires me the hell out. I've been working 12 hour days for the past two weeks. Barely time to talk to my husband at night before it's time to go to bed.

But today I had a reprieve. I have switched my work schedule so I now get Thursdays off (plus the usual Saturday and Sunday). What a luxury! Granted, it means I have to fit 40 hours into 4 days, but I was doing that already!

So how did I spend my first Thursday mini-vacation? I slept in, ran some errands, went for a riding lesson, came home, read a book, drank a beer, and now I'm going to go out for a going-away dinner with some close friends. Ahhhhh. Very, very nice. To top it all off, it was a dark, rainy day (as you can see in the picture) and so everything felt cozy. I turned on the heat for the first time this year (yes, we use heat in Southern California) and I'm curled up on the chaise lounge, drinking my beer and wearing my Ugg boots as I write this. Nice.

In terms of TTC, I feel like things have calmed down a lot. I'm still temping and charting, but not really worried. I'm having a lot of symptoms - cramping in my stomach, sensitive breasts, etc, etc, but no changes yet in my temps. So, I'm just... waiting. At first I was really anxious trying to figure it all out. But now I realized, I'm enjoying this time with my husband and connecting with him in a really intimate, exciting way and I'm ok if I don't get pregnant right away.

Hmm. After I wrote that I had two instant reactions. First, it seems awful to say that when I know there are so many women out there battling infertility that would probably be shocked or hurt or...something to hear me say I'm in no big hurry. But, I hope that they would understand that I am just saying, this will happen when it happens and I'm enjoying the journey to get there. My second reaction was a little more is a little more irrational: I freaked out that I might jinx myself by saying I'm in no hurry. Ha! Superstitious, much?



On an unrelated note, here is a cute Instagram I clicked of a little pony at the barn enjoying the cool, rainy day. He kept chasing the other horses around and squealing like a naughty little boy. I told him he would get himself in trouble, and eventually, he did. He ran so fast on the slick mud that his feet went right out from under him and he fell over. Wish I had gotten a shot of that! But then he got right back up and started causing trouble again. Ha!

Cheers, Obama

I spent the evening with my husband, sister and her boyfriend, toasting the election results at a wine bar near our house. Nice night if I do say so myself.


Oh, and I was inwardly cringing in pain from knife-life stabbing pains in my lower left abdomen that I am hoping are ovulation pains and not the beginning of appendicitis. We'll see tomorrow I guess!

Balancing Act

So here's what I did today.

I went with my friend and her daughters to an equestrian vaulting workshop. So random and so fun. It was good to do something totally unrelated to work or thinking about TTC. I focused just on myself and learning something new and entirely out of my comfort zone. Aka, standing up on a moving horse. I was surprised how difficult it was!

Here's a recap: We started with some limbering exercises where I proved how incapable I am at touching my own toes. Seriously. Then we practiced doing lifts and jumps onto a pommel horse. Again, it seemed a little too-gymnastic-like for my unlimber body. I mean, they wanted us to hold ourselves up with our arms and do kicks in the air behind us? I can't even do yoga! Wow....Then we started doing yoga positions on a moving horse. At this point, I feel a little more secure, because at least I am comfortable on a horse's back. But then...we practiced standing up. And I realized how scared I was of falling. Funny because I haven't felt afraid like that on a horse's back in sometime. I had to trust my body, trust the horse, and relax my muscles in order to move with the horse. Only when I trusted my body, relaxed, and let go, could I stand up. (Hmmm. Sound like a good message for those who are trying to get pregnant??) At the end of the day, we took turns riding the horse bareback on the lounge line, with arms out in the hair like wings. This is something I used to do when I was learning to ride as a little girl. For some of the adults in the clinic, this was scary and hard. For me, it was like being free.

Anyhow, it was nice because I didn't think at all today about what cycle day I am on or wonder about the future. I was just in the moment. Which, no matter what is going on in your life, is always a good thing.

Just Waiting....

So I'm now on CD 19 and waiting to ovulate for the first time off of birth control. I've had some signs that things are happening, but then my temperatures are up and down in such a consistent manner that it really doesn't seem like anything is going to shift.

I started to get a bit impatient about it and then I realized how irrational that is. My body just needs time to readjust after birth control. What made me think my body would just say, "Ok great, so I will adhere to a perfect 28 day cycle after you put random amounts of hormones into me for 13 years? No Problem." The other irrational part is just the fact that I'm even getting impatient. Seriously? Having a baby is a big deal. There is no need to rush it. Both my husband and I will be just fine with a few more months of not-yet-being-parents.

I think part of the problem is I've never really been that great at waiting for anything. It's just never been one of my strong suits. I can hardly wait for the tea kettle to whistle without getting bored or antsy. So, in a way, this is just a way of telling me to chill out and relax. It's only been 19 days. I'm not even outside a "normal" range of ovulation. So just CHILL!

Besides, each day that I haven't ovulated means another day I can guiltlessly indulge in a glass of wine. :)